To Be Better
by GreyVixen
Summary: James T. Kirk. Son of George Kirk, Captain of the USS Kelvin. James is ten years old and his life is about to go from painful and boring to painful and interesting. This is Jim; his struggles, mistakes and what it'll take for a ten year old boy to grow into one of the best captains in history. He wants what his brother is naturally. To be better than what he is.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note**: Hello everyone. Just to let you know this story is very dark and very long. It is extremely explicit and has graphic scenes. It is also posted on archiveofourown in case it gets taken down. It has all-around trauma; including, mental, emotional, physical and sexual. There is abuse against children and suicidal themes. I just want you to know that this is a prequel and the sequel (taking place just after the movies) will have a happy ending. It'll just take a long time to get there.

If you have any problem with the warnings, please don't read. I do not wish to offend anyone or disturb you. Thank you. Please let me know what you think.

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><p>"Listen to me James. I know it's hard but you have to start realizing that the world isn't going to give you breaks. I've let you off too many times. No, don't try to talk your way out of this. I'm calling your parents to pick you up." Jim sat frozen in the chair, glaring, in front of Principal Richards. He knew the world didn't give a damn about him. He lived the past ten years knowing that. His mom was off planet, had been for the past seven months. He winced as he noticed the time. 2:15. It was in the middle of Frank's soap that he loved to watch. Sam would have his head for this. He winced once more as he heard Frank bark a greeting from the comm. Richards glanced at Jim with a frown. "Hello, Mr. Rivers, I have James here with me...I'm afraid he started a fight again today." Jim huffed and glared at Richards. He did not, in any way, start the fight with Ben. He just ended it, then got caught. Besides, did one punch define a fight? Ben went down right after it. But all of Jim's anger fled into fear when he heard the shouts from the comm, even on mute and held against the principal's ear, Jim could hear him. He knew he'd be missing school tomorrow. Even Richards; who was an ass most days and even worse on others, looked like he was regretting calling. The comm was now held away from his ear. Richards kept on glancing from him to the comm and reluctantly said, "James will...need to picked up today. He will have a three day suspension for his punishment." Great, thought Jim feeling slightly better, healing time. Now he wouldn't have to lie to Miss. Adams who taught his advanced science class. She was nice but too nosey.<p>

Frank said he couldn't make it until three and promptly ended the call. Richards looked shocked and Jim couldn't help but feel furious at him, furious at everyone. His anger mounted until he had to hold back a sneer, his hands shaking. Jim took a deep breath, gave his signature grin, his eyes flat and said mockingly, "Well, Richards it was nice seeing you today, I'll go wait for the old man on the steps now. See ya in three days." He grabbed his bag, saw the man's expression turn into it's usual scorn and knew everything was right in the world. He hated everyone right then. Stepping outside, after getting his homework, most of which was horribly boring, he took a couple shots on the brick wall. His knuckles soon were scrapped and bleeding. The sight of it made him feel calmer. Jim's mind started racing then, he would need his energy. Taking deep breaths he sat down feeling his tension mount every minute. This was what Frank loved doing. Jim couldn't help that his awesome and lovely brain came up with different ideas of what the loser would do to him. Would it just be a yelling, or a smack across the face? Or more recently, would he be beaten until he couldn't stand for hours?

The minutes crawled by and by the time three o'clock came by, he finished all of his homework just in case he couldn't hold a pencil. His thoughts were even more worried about what his brother would do. Sam never liked it when Jim got into trouble because punishments were sometimes on both of them. His head lowered even more as the last bell rang out. It was made even more awful because Sam looked happy. Really happy. "We got a new student today! Did you see him at all? He's an alien. A Vulcan. You never see them this far out of cities!" Jim was surprised, he never heard anything about it, but his school was large, the only one in Riverside it held A-13. All ages came here. Sam was three years older than him, and even though they were easily on the same level academically, the school refused to push him up because of his bad behaviour. He could slowly see Sam's expression fall. "What did you do this time?" The harshness in the tone made Jim wince and he looked down as he grumbled, "I hit Ben Wright." Sam sighed and spoke, "Again? Can't you just leave him alone? Why do you have to push everyone until they snap?" "It really wasn't my fault this time!" Jim couldn't help but say, his frustration making him louder than necessary. Ben had been picking on him everyday during the summer. He had kept himself in check until Ben pushed him into the wall, his back stung and the pain made him react instinctively. He hadn't even meant to throw that punch.

"George?"

Both Kirks turned at the formal, quiet voice. Sam grinned and Jim was left breathless. Wow. His mind stopped for a moment, the first time in his life. It stopped. The Vulcan in front of him was stunning. He had to be a couple years older if Sam knew him, tall, lean with straight brown hair and eyes. Jim quickly stood not wanting to look smaller than he already was. "Hello, I'm James Tiberius Kirk, Sam's brother. But everyone calls me Jim for short." Instead of reaching out, he raised his hand in the formal ta'a. The Vulcan's head turned looking stoically calm. The Vulcan returned the salute and replied, "Greetings James. I am Tevik." Jim nodded, excited. Tevik turned to Sam and asked, "George, I am agreeable to meeting tomorrow, if that is acceptable to you." Sam smiled, the first genuine smile Jim had seen in a long time. "Sure thing Tevik. I'll meet you here after school tomorrow." Tevik nodded, said, "Very well," and left.

"Dang. A Vulcan, huh?" "Yeah." Both Kirks starred as Tevik disappeared into the crowd and then Sam remembered what they were doing out here. Right before the old fashioned red car pulled up he slapped Jim on the head. Not expecting it, Jim quickly turned to his older brother, "What the hell?" "That's for being stupid again. Now I don't know whether I'll even be able to meet him. I hate you sometimes." As Sam walked up to the car in front of him, Jim made sure Sam didn't see the face he was making behind his back. The car ride was utterly silent except for the crackling noise coming from the engine. A bad sign. Sam kept glancing at him, the previous mutterings about Jim being awful forgotten. It wasn't until Jim got inside that he knew he was in real trouble because the first words out of Franks mouth were the worst. The very worst.

"Sam, get upstairs. Now."

He tried to catch Sam's eyes, to get him to stay. He needed Sam with him, he was thirteen, he was taller and stronger. Together they could totally take Frank down, at least for tonight. Hell, Jim talked about running away from here all the time. Sam never thought he was serious.

Sam never did catch his eye.

The first slap made him gasp. The second hit had him on the floor, by the third punch Jim's instincts kicked in as well as his stupidity, and he kicked out at Frank. He lost count after that. He knew he crashed into the coffee table at some point, glasses and beer bottles smashed on the floor. Franks voice was so loud, he was thankful the nearest neighbour was a mile away. It seemed like it would never end. "You worthless, piece of shit! I don't know why you didn't just stay with your aunt! You got no fucking respect for anything or anyone! I should keep you here for all the good your doing at that damned school! You're No One! You're Nothing, you always have been! You're not worth a single credit...You little shit...worthless...Nothing..." It went on and on until Jim stopped fighting back. Frank beat himself out after awhile. Jim had no clue how long the fight lasted, only that he was determined not to whimper. Not this time. He wouldn't give Frank the satisfaction. Frank stood up, panting, with a cut on his cheek and forehead, he glared around the room.

"Samuel! Come down here now!" Jim winced at the booming voice and held back a hiss. Blood was running down his face making him blink rapidly. His body was protesting every little twitch he made. Sam entered the room, quiet as a mouse, he eyes widening at the scene before him. Frank quickly backhanded him before shouting, "I'm going out, you clean up this mess and I don't want a single thing out of place by the time I get back!" Frank turned to Jim and he shrank even closer to the floor, nevertheless, Frank reached down and grabbed his arm. Wrenching him up to his feet made Jim shout in pain. Cursing himself mentally, he couldn't help the sounds he made as Frank dragged him to the stairs, dumping him onto them painfully. "Get up to your room and don't you dare come out of it for the next three days! If I so much as see you outside, you won't like what will happen to you!"

The door slamming was Frank's exit and then he flinched as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Shh, Jimmy, it's me. C'mon." He groaned as Sammy helped him up the stairs. Each step hurt worse than the last, until painfully, he slumped into bed. It was moments like these that made Jim think Sam didn't hate him. Because whatever big brother instincts Sam had always kicked in after Frank left. Sam gently wiped his blood off with a cold cloth and then got the med kit from under the bed. Because of Jim's allergies, he couldn't take regular pain killers, so instead Sam always applied cool presses and gave him a hypo of leth'am, an alien version of Tylenol 78, that while made him slightly dizzy, worked perfectly fine on the pain.

With his shirt and shoes off, Jim could see that blue and purple bruises forming across his body, combined with faded yellow and green ones, his body looked awful. His foot caught his eye, the colour blackened blue, he had twisted it during the fight, his foot landing at an odd angle, this combined with the fact that he landed poorly two days ago from jumping Johnny Rockwell's fence meant his foot was badly sprained. Sam tested it slowly, and Jim couldn't help but hiss. Sam nodded wordlessly acknowledging what he already knew. "It's just sprained, you have to stay off of it as much as possible. Your rib might be cracked but it's not broken. Your wrist however..." Sam trailed off as his eyes wandered up to his right hand. It was going a weird colour of purple and green. He could see the bone had snapped out of place, the pain sharpened as they both looked at it.

It wasn't the first time Jim had broken something, even when he wasn't fighting, his adventures never turned out as he intended. So Jim braced himself and with an efficiency that only came with practice, Sam snapped it back into place. A grunt sounded from Jim and just as quickly his wrist was encased in a knitting wrap. The black bandage was the best use of credits that Sam had thought of. Within minutes his skin would activate the hardening process and then it would send seven different chemicals through his skin to the bone. While it didn't heal as fast as a bone knitting laser, in a week; he'd be as good as new. The best part was that it then softened back into fabric form and they were able to use it six times before the chemicals ran out. "Now just so long as you don't jostle anything we should be good." Just so long as there was no second round, is what Jim thought. The pain was just fading from a piercing sensation to a dull ache. Sam looked tired and older than thirteen when he finally stopped and looked at him in the eye. "Jimmy, you've got to start listening to people. You can't fight all the time." Jim glared at him but kept his mouth shut. He wouldn't have to fight if everyone would just leave him alone. "Alright. I have to clean up."

When he reached the door, Sam turned around and said, "Mom should be coming home this month. Maybe she'll stay a couple months this time." Jim could see the brightening in Sammy's eyes and he too felt a little bit of hope. If their mom was here, Frank wouldn't hit them as much. He was always on his best behaviour with her, after all she paid him good money every month. But as Jim was left to himself, aching body protesting every move, he couldn't help but feel even worse. If his mom came home, he'd have to deal with her ignoring him again. Or worse, starring at him unable to look away. He wished he could just tell her what was happening. But if Frank found out it would be very bad and she'd either confront him or tell Jim he was a liar and he'd be left with Frank anyway. He couldn't face that. He couldn't face her when she would tell him, he wasn't worth saving. The drugs were kicking in then, making him tired, he'd be tired over the next couple days for sure. Thankfully, he wouldn't feel the pain so much tomorrow. His thoughts wandered until they faded and he fell asleep.

The next day, Jim stayed in the room, not able to get up without sharp pains to his abdomen, foot and arm. His head was aching and everything felt heavy but he had the day off from school, his door lock was engaged as he waited for Sammy to get back from his time with Tevik. He could hear Frank about the house and he knew better then to go against his orders. He had gone to the bathroom before Frank had woken up, with the help of Sammy carrying him out of bed. He had eaten the breakfast his brother had gotten for him. But now as he listened to the loud television and Frank's mumbled voice on the comm, his stomach growled and he really needed to go to the bathroom again. He knew by experience it would be a bad idea so he glared around the room, hatred rising up at the unfairness of it all.

Jim spent half the day thinking of ways to get of the house, to land Frank in jail, and to beat the crap out of him. It was becoming a routine thought process. The other half of the day he was on his PADD going over games and reading some articles and poems his aunt had sent him. He had already read all of them, but he went over them again, smiling at certain passages as he remembered her reading them to him. It never failed to put him at ease, even when everything was so messed up. His aunt was the only one who really gave a crap about him and Sam.

Sam came back in the evening and since Frank had left a hour previously, he was in the clear. He came right up and Jim told the computer to let him in, surprised and happy to see him holding a takeout bag. Even in the middle of nowhere with hardly any aliens around, Kaba Kaba diner was always popular. It was the only restaurant in town that served alien foods and Jim found he loved Tith'nek pasta from Vulcan. Although, he did add hot sauce and spicy chicken in it. "Got you your favourite and me some Mansas." Jim practically inhaled his pasta, his stomach empty, and Sam laughed and then took a bite of his green and blue sticky pastry. Jim moaned his appreciation. Sam spoke, still chewing, "I don't know how you can stand that. Vulcan food is worse than Caitan food." Jim swallowed after taking a large bite. "So not true. Caitan food is completely awful. Vulcan food, while bland, is supper good. It's the only food I know that will actually make me want vegetables. Also some old fashioned hot sauce just makes it perfect."

By the time Jim was done with his pasta, Sam had finished eating, cleaned up, attempted to look at Jim's injuries and then stole his PADD and started doing his homework. Finally giving up, his fork falling again because his wrist was hurting, his fingers numb, Jim placed the almost empty carton on his side table. "Okay, out with it." Sam looked up innocently curious. Jim rolled his eyes and Sam grinned. "Okay, well I met up with Tevik at school and, well, it was kinda weird. We walked around the town and I showed him all the spots, Adam's Quarry and even Captains Rock. That was nice." Jim snorted, trying to picture a Vulcan looking out into a large lake and not being horrified at all the water. Sam continued, "Then we talked about his life and Vulcan. It was so cool. He lived in T'Paal and knows how to swim." "Huh. Never figured a desert race to learn." Sam nodded, "Apparently, most learn the basics in a pool, at their school. Anyway, he's way smart. Smarter even than you, it's amazing the way his mind works and he's talks so properly, I always have to correct myself before I talk. His dad is here working with scientists, their home is actually in Phoenix but they're doing experiments with the soil here and working with the Andorians for something. He went into an excited speech and I kinda blanked out." Sam's cheeks went red and he looked down embarrassed but Jim didn't notice; too caught up in the Vulcan and how he would have actually caught on to what Tevik had been talking about.

Jim tried his best to ignore the twinges of pain as his mind went over Tevik. "What does he like doing?" Jim asked curious and Sam glanced at him and smiled. "Well, he likes working on computers and I think wants to work engineering on Vulcan. I couldn't imagine having everything planned right now. I don't even know what I want to do in five years never mind the rest of my life. But he's like that, I could tell, he likes everything to planned." "Typical Vulcan then." Both of them laughed but Sam shook his head and said, "You better be nice to him Jimmy. I like him and I don't want you messing it all up." Sam hit him friendly on his good shoulder, said goodnight and left. Jim smiled slightly, nah, he wouldn't mess it up. He wanted to get to know him too. It would be good to meet someone who didn't already know him as a trouble maker.

Two weeks later, Jim's bruises were healed, not a scratch on him. He swore one of these days, fate would catch up and he'd be scarred beyond the point of even a dermal regenerator could repair. Frank was out of the house more lately and only came back in the early hours of the morning. Sam and him kept the house clean and Sam was teaching him how to cook now that Frank wasn't hovering over them, but it was Jim who lost on a credit toss and had to steal some credits for groceries again. Luckily, Frank had a hangover the size of a star ship and it only earned him a loud lecture and a small smack. When they left for the market, Frank gave them a list of things he wanted. Looking at the limit Jim tried not to get angry. He was really trying to hold it in. But the list was long and they probably wouldn't even have enough for actual food. Sam looked worried too, his brows furred and he scanned the small store for deals. Once they had a few bags of groceries, leaving behind half because of Frank, they made their way across the street to the hardware store.

There, Hector, the old man who ran the place, sold a few vintage car tools. Their dad had left a very nice car to their mom and since she was never on planet, Frank had claimed the damn thing. It made Jim feel like scratching it or setting it on fire. It only reminded him how he wasn't here, and Frank was. They stood almost behind the counter debating whether to get the battery or not, Jim insisting they go back to the market, when they heard their names. Turning, both Jim and Sam were surprised to see Tevik and both broke out in smiles. "Hey." They both said simultaneously. Tevik nodded and said, "Greetings. What are you two shopping for?" Jim spoke first, he was now familiar with Tevik, they had hung out when Jim's suspension was over, the three of them going for walks about the city. "This battery. Hector keeps some stuff back here for the car we have at home but I don't want to get it today." "Why not?" Jim looked to Sam. Sam winced a bit before replying, "It's going to eat up our allowance. And we have a lot to do before our mom comes home." Nice save, thought Jim. Tevik, Jim thought, was about to frown but he didn't, instead, he asked, "Well then, why do you not wait to save up the credits needed to buy such a purchase?"

Sam paused and Jim said, "Well, it's our baby you know." Tevik gave a very adorable expression of confusion and Jim couldn't help but smile explaining, "We've been working on our dad's car for all our lives. Now it can finally be finished, it's something that's important." Pretty much the truth and Jim saw Sam nod. Tevik's eyes darkened at the mention of George and he looked back and forth between them as he said, "I can understand the need to remember one's father. It is very honourable of you both." Jim felt warm from the praise and then guilty because he really hated the car. It wasn't something that inspired happy memories, after all as Sam had pointed out over the years, Jim never knew him, their dad was a complete stranger to him. He had nothing to remember but a few pictures and a medal. It wasn't at all honourable that Jim usually only gave thought to the car when it involved explosives.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked and Tevik seemed to relax a bit as he said, "I am here to purchase some supplies for my experiment." Jim was instantly curious and couldn't help but ask, "On what?" Sam nudged him, silently telling him to shut up. But Tevik turn his attention to him and didn't seem to mind, "While I attend your Terran education program it seems that it is not as advanced as the system on Vulcan, my father has set me up with courses during the evening with Vulcans who live in Phoenix and are available to advance my studies." Jim had to hold back a laugh. He knew just how stupid the people were at his school. It wasn't their fault but he loved how someone saw it other than him. "I'd love to hear about them sometime. If you want, that is." Jim stopped talking not wanting to embarrass himself more. Sam was looking at him sternly but Tevik raised his head. "In our previous conversations I have noticed you are interested in computer engineering, I would be able to share knowledge on the topic." Jim couldn't believe it. His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat, "You'd teach me?" Tevik nodded, "If you wish it," He then turned his attention to Sam who looked tense and said, "I would also be available to go over equations and share with you some of my experiments. I think you would...enjoy...a few of them." Sam gave Tevik one of his rare genuine smiles and they were about to launch into questions when an adult approached them.

The man was Vulcan and Jim found his eyes widening a bit. The Vulcan man was stern looking, even more expressionless than Tevik, his eyes cold and black. He was tall too, with the same dark hair as Tevik. "Tevik, to whom do you speak?" Tevik turned and said, "Father, this is George Samuel Kirk and James Tiberius Kirk. They go to the school I attend and George and I are in the same advanced mathematics program. James, George, this is my father Balev." Balev arched a brow and tilted his head, eyeing them and then said, "Hello. I am honoured to meet you both. I believe the correct human introduction with friends involves inviting them over for a dinner. Is this still practised?" Balev looked at both of them and Sam and Jim glanced at each other. Together they quickly lied, "Yes," they said taking advantage of the opportunity to see Tevik's place and spend more time with him. Jim smiled and continued, "It would be very proper and polite of you to invite us over. If it isn't of any inconvenience to you or your family, that is." Balev nodded and asked, "It is of no inconvenience. Is there any particular date in which is best?" Again, Sam and Jim replied as one, their minds going straight to Frank. "Friday." Balev arched a brow but Jim thought he looked slightly amused.

Their mom commed them a couple days later on Wednesday night, saying repairs to her ship the USS Triton's engines would delay her a few days, so she'd be home on Saturday morning. Sam spoke to her mostly, Jim tended to avoid all conversations with his mom, even over sub-space communication light years away. They spent the evening outside in the fields listening to Tevik talk about warp core stabilizers and scramblers, and astrophysics, all the while switching from English to Vulcan. Most of their conversations needed repeating so that Jim and Sam could understand the complex topics, but they both agreed, they were very lucky to have met the Vulcan. Both Jim and Sam were wracked with nerves Thursday morning, only one day left. He hated that Sam got to spend class time with Tevik and he didn't. But he cheered himself up by remembering they would be spending Sunday together going over computer programing, just the two of them. Tevik was like a sponge with knowledge, Jim was always surprised at the vast amounts of different subjects he could remember. It always left him in awe and wanting to learn just as much as the Vulcan. Jim never felt more alive or happy than when the two of them were in vivid discussions on everything from Vulcan culture to trans beaming engineering. Most of which was above Jim's actual level of understanding and he loved it.

The day was sluggish and Jim spent most of the morning apologizing to Johnny and Max for not hanging out with them much the last three weeks. He had deliberately blown them off two nights prior so that Tevik could help him with pronunciations in Vulcan. Though, since Sam had interrupted them and taken most of the Vulcan's attention away in a very subtle way, Jim should have just gone out with them. He promised that he'd be free after school and found himself more excited for a day without Sam. While he loved his brother and he wanted to spend all his time with Tevik, Jim found himself always controlled. Tevik focused him and Jim was now getting used to being challenged academically as well as behaving more politely. But the days of having to watch what he did and said were starting to wear on him. Sam, he knew, would be more than happy to have a day with Tevik without him, which nevertheless made Jim burn with jealousy. Besides, he had to apologize for them being late two nights ago, he owed Sam. Especially since Sam was the one with the well hidden bruises this time. He also needed that day to blow off steam, he wouldn't admit it, but meeting more Vulcans, especially Tevik's family tomorrow, was making him nervous.

When Jim stopped Sam in the hallway before their last classes to tell him he wasn't going to meet up with them, Jim found himself right because Sam broke out into a wide grin. Again, Jim felt the burn of being so unwanted, it made him want to punch Sam right in the kidney, where he knew a purple blue bruise was. "So we're even then." Sam immediately scolded, the smile vanishing and shook his head, "My back is still killing me, Jimmy. And besides, you're doing this because you want to, not for me. So no, we're not even." Jim groaned and hit his head against the wall he leaned against, feeling angry and frustrated. Sometimes, Jim had to question whether Sam really did hate him, especially when he made that expression to him. The expression that clearly stated, Sam would be happier without him. And just as he walked away Sam had to go and be brotherly, calling out, "Be careful Jimmy. And get home on time tonight!" His scowl didn't lighten even when Miss. Adams gave him more challenging work on his PADD.

That evening Jim convinced Johnny and Max to help him steal Mr. Andrews old fashioned fireworks. Still on an adrenaline high from succeeding and running away from the hollering man, the boys found themselves outside Old Tom's abandoned barn and with Jim being the captain and finishing the argument, "All right, enough. We didn't steal them to look at them. C'mon." Jim gave one of his brilliant grins and the boys looked at each other cautiously before reluctantly agreeing and sticking the gigantic rocket into the ground. Jim lit the firework with the lighter he had taken from Frank. He couldn't help the fact that he loved how his heart raced, once it was up in the air, the cops would have their location and since Mr. Andrews didn't believe in being easy on kids, Jim knew he was most likely going to lead Johnny and Max into something awful, but he just couldn't help it. He loved the fact that in a few moments they'd be running and the whole field would be alight in blue and purple and white lights. He couldn't even bring himself to worry about Max and Johnny. He knew he was in for it tonight, Winona would be staying for the longest stretch in three years, so that meant Frank would need to let all his anger out tonight. If he was going to be beaten tonight, since he knew he was already late on curfew, he felt like pulling others down with him.

Letting Max and Johnny get into trouble was truly the worst thing he had done, but he still felt that anger that made any hesitation seem to dwindle and die. He wanted others to hurt just like he knew he would that night. Just like that, faster than he realized, the rocket caught and shot up into the sky, only Jim knew immediately something was wrong. Max and Johnny looking upwards, didn't catch it right away, but then they did. Johnny shouted and Jim nodded, not even hearing him. He knew, and just like that he could see Mr. Andrews running after them, not rage on his face like always but worry.

"Dammit!" Jim couldn't help but say as he pushed Max and Johnny, "Run!"

The rocket didn't go far up and before it blasted, the wind tilted it in the one direction Jim really wish it wouldn't go. It only took seconds but Jim knew he planted the damned thing in the wrong spot. It tilted toward the old, rotted barn. It only took a spark to ignite it, and when the firework exploded right above it, the barn leapt up into a burning flame within a minute. They boys ran flat out through the field; Max and Johnny wide-eyed and out of breath. Jim stopped and both boys shouted at him, panic in their voices. It was drowned out by the multiple bangs above them. "Shut up!" Jim shouted and thought fast. Now his selfishness and anger faded as he looked at them. Both were wide eyed, panic stricken, he felt absolutely horrible. He couldn't get them into trouble, it was awful and horrible of him. They all couldn't make it, and Andrews knew it was him, if he was caught later that evening with them, they'd all be in trouble anyway. He felt guilt pile up and talked quickly, "Max, take Johnny and head towards Katie's, go through Mrs. Zola's backyard, you know where the piece of fence is missing. Go straight to Henry's, his mom's got migraines, she won't even know you weren't there this evening. That's where you were. You were with Henry all day, Mr. Andrews saw me and two guys from Backwater. Go!"

"Jim..."

"Just shut up and go!"

Already he could hear the sirens, they'd be here any minute. He watched as Johnny and Max ran over the hill towards Katie Barry's house. He turned and froze as he saw how big the fire was, the smoke was black and thick, most likely the whole town would see it. The sky was indeed alight, the bangs still producing brilliant light now shadowed by overwhelming smoke. Each spark set off more flames and Jim knew this was the big one, he had seriously crossed a line. For a moment that awful selfish feeling came back and Jim stood in awe at what he had done, even by accident. Some part of him that he would later try to pretend didn't exist, liked how beautiful it looked. He liked that he made it, made something terribly pretty.

He snapped out of it quickly this time, opening his comm to call his brother, he found that Sam had left him a message earlier. He'd be staying at Tevik's house that night, apparently Tevik had invited him over to study and his mother had invited him to stay as per human customs.

It made Jim feel ten times more awful and he slumped to the ground as the police showed up.


	2. hope?

Jim sighed as he laid down on the grass. Sam was so lucky, he thought for the billionth time that week. Winona noticed Sam, she noticed if he limped or sat more quiet than usual. For the past two months, his mom barely looked at him in the eye. He could count their conversations on one hand, each with less than nine words spoken. Except, of course, when she first arrived.

Frank had let him spend the night in jail to teach him a lesson, needless to say, he did not end up spending Friday dinner with Tevik's family. Instead, he spent Thursday night barely sleeping, the stuffy cell making it difficult to breathe, the noises constantly jerking him back to wakefulness. While he found himself slightly shocked that he was actually staying the night, he found it didn't frighten him, which in turn just made him more surprised.

The next morning he was wide awake before the sun even rose, his own personal officer sat him down and explained the seriousness of his actions and what was in store for him. It all boiled down to being George Kirk's son, the famous one that is. He'd be charged a fine for vandalism, and stolen property but it wouldn't go to court, though, he would have a record of it. Also, he had to agree to service detail.

That afternoon, he witnessed his mom holding back tears when she looked at him. Again. Her first words to him in eight months, were full of anger, embarrassment and disappointment. "How could you do this? Do you have any idea how serious the situation is? You're going to have a record now for juvenile behaviour! It's all over the Fleet news, everyone knows what you did! What would your father think of you?" It was at this point that Jim couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"I don't know Winona. My dad's dead if you've forgotten, I have no clue what he would say since I never knew him." Her face drained of blood and her eyes went wide, making Jim feel like apologizing for his harsh tone, but not his words. He wouldn't take back the truth. He did however offer to pay her back the full credits of his fines. She laughed and when he saw the amount, he knew it would be a long time before he was able. There was a price to not going to court, he thought.

Since then, Jim spent his time avoiding her sad gaze, only to meet Frank's concealed one. Over the last two months, Jim was lucky to get service detail. Him and five other boys roughly his age helped with harvesting the wheat and working at the factory where their local grain was produced, for a couple hours a day, it got him out of the house which was fine by him, except of course he had to return straight home afterwards.

Most nights, his mom was out with Sam or meeting up with other officers in meetings as they passed through town. She hadn't gotten her placement as first officer because of his very public offence and the fact that she stayed planet-side for longer than she expected to, she had a lot of making up to do. Sam, by default, was spending his days with Tevik who had approached Jim three days after the incident.

Tevik had made Jim feel the worst with his logical, wonderfully-awful-smooth voice. Tevik explained why Jim's actions were both illogical, since they served no purpose, then why Jim had not stood up to Tevik's expectations. Tevik, then explained, in a soft tone that their acquaintance would not be severed. Jim had looked up then, not realizing his head had bowed in shame. His eyes wide, he felt his heart skip a beat. "You still want to be my friend after what happened?" Jim couldn't believe that such a race as rule abiding as Vulcans would still want to associate themselves with him.

"I have listened to your explanation of what happened and taking into account your emotional state at the time," Jim cringed and regretting telling Tevik how angry, upset and messed up he had been, "I see that you are often seen as older than your actual age because of your remarkable intelligence. I have spoken to my family on the matter and we have decided that after you are finished with your punishment, which you will fulfil without any complaint," Tevik had given him a firm glare at that point and Jim had hurriedly nodded, the compliment 'remarkable intelligence' running through his head on a loop. "I will continue to teach you if you are still wishing to learn basic engineering and more complex Vulcan." Jim nodded again and this time he could see Tevik hesitate. "What else?" Tevik straightened his shoulders, a habit Jim knew that came when the Vulcan didn't agree with something. "My family does not wish us to be alone while we are conversing. We will need to be in public places and you are not permitted to enter our household."

Jim had to swallow at the last part, spoken the softest but he nodded and for the last two months it had sustained him. He didn't complain at getting up at five am, he didn't complain at the boys who were much more of asses than he was. He certainly didn't complain about Sam and Tevik spending more time together. And he didn't complain that the two months that Sam and his mom were keeping busy outside the house, it was only Frank and him at night.

It had been eight weeks. Eight weeks of learning maintenance of agriculture of the twenty third century. He could tell anyone how wheat production was treated, how the natural strains of both Earth and alien seeds were intertwined making for more nutritious types of grains. Jim noted that the slight majority of genetically spliced plants were still affected by Earth's climates, many cross-breeds had to be raised in greenhouses mimicking their alien climates. Henry Salt, their supervisor, was fair and liked how much Jim was able to learn while working, he let Jim spend the last of his week in the actual lab.

Although, it was just labelling clear glasses before the qualified scientists took them from him with amused expressions as they answered his never ending questions.

Jim sighed again, relishing in not breaking a rule. The grass was cold and soft beneath him, the cold wind made his bruises and aches less sharp. Winter was officially here, he shivered as the cloudy sky threatened to snow. His comm beeped, notifying him he only had ten minutes to get home. He groaned hating the fact that he would have to rush now. But he didn't regret laying down, it was the only time he felt relaxed. He waved to Henry, for hopefully the last time, Henry nodded at him through the window. He knew when he got home Frank would be there, he was always there lately, always drunk too.

That night was no exception. Jim learned two years ago that when his mom did come home, going in the back door in the kitchen was the safest bet. While he was farther from the staircase, which was in the front of the house, he could hear if they were yelling, or if Frank was was the living room watching his tell-tale shows that signalled his whiskey time. Unfortunately, that night Frank was in the kitchen, taking out a bottle of Vodka. He turned just as Jim entered the house.

"Where you've been little Nothing?" Frank asked calmly, a cruel smile on his face.

Jim's heart sank.

* * *

><p>Jim woke up the next morning, feeling gleeful, cold and achy. He loved the fact that he was free, he could talk to Tevik now, though they had spoken in between class periods, now he could spend hours with him after school like Sam. He never knew just how much he missed Tevik until that second. It was like an ache had entered Jim's chest and it wasn't noticed until it disappeared. He was still healing from Frank's attacks over the course of the past couple of months, they had shortened in length but had gone up in intensity. Winona now questioned Jim's every move, surprisingly not yet back out into space, but Jim could see she was itching for it. Her eyes only brightened when she said she was going to the station just outside of town.<p>

He covered as much of the bruises he could with the dermal regenerator and, pitifully, some make-up. His broken arm, he said he'd gotten falling while trying to fix one of the machines in the factory last week, he had actually fallen to make it seem real. Henry had seemed genuinely distressed. The broken rib, he had to hide, since he had already used his bandages for his stomach last month. It took Jim fifteen minutes to get dressed and ready, each step felt like walking on needles. By the time he reached the door, his make-up in place, he set his shoulders back trying to ignore the pain and made sure his face didn't give anything away.

Over the course of the last month, Sam had helped him less, not being around much, he wasn't getting punished like Jim, Sam only got the occasional slap, which almost never left a true bruise. Jim didn't want Sam to help him, didn't want to drag him down. He felt more ashamed of his actions towards Max and Johnny, both of whom weren't really speaking to him besides a nod or a single word. And since Sam was getting off easy, no matter how angry Jim got, he wasn't going to be the one to ask for him. He wouldn't let Sam down too.

Walking downstairs, he forced himself to be natural, although, he was slow. He felt Frank's eyes on him as he ate breakfast, he knew they were gleaming and it sent shivers down his back. "Mom, are you going to be here for Christmas?" Jim almost sighed at Sam's hopeful expression. Winona frowned and then looked surprisingly, at Jim. Jim found himself starring back at her blankly. She nodded, "Yes, Sammy. I will be here for Christmas, not New Years, though. I've requested a transfer onto the U.S.S. Haroll, so I'll know by the twenty third and be off by the twenty sixth or seventh depending on if I'm accepted."

Sam nodded, looking at bit disappointed, then his expression cleared and he said, "It'll be great having you here. This year, we could put up some decorations, it'll be awesome." Winona's blonde brows went up, she looked questionably to Frank and asked, "You guys don't put up decorations?" Frank shrugged unconcerned but Jim could see his expression sour as he gave Sam a slightly concealed glare. "The boys never want to celebrate without you. I tell them constantly that they need to cheer up, that you'd want them to celebrate the little things. I've given up trying. You've got very stubborn little boys darling." Winona smiled though her expression was still sad. She nodded, "You're right. You boys have got to learn that just because I'm not here, doesn't mean I don't care. I love you both more than the entire galaxy. So from now on, every year you guys have to celebrate the holidays. Even when I'm not around. Especially, when I'm not around."

She kissed them both on the cheek when they left for school, both boys grimacing. On the way, all Jim could think about was, if she loved them more than the galaxy, why did she take off into it instead of staying for them. Jim knew. She might love them more than the galaxy but she loved their father more than them.

They spent the afternoon in the local library. The front desk clerk actually had to have the Vulcan tell her off because she was about to shoo Jim from the building before he moved a step outside the foyer. It was the first time Jim had really gone into the library. He usually just used his PADD when he wanted to look anything up. Libraries were viewed as historic buildings, and since being historic, were protected under several different laws. The books were not to be removed from the building, each rare and expensive. The most used portion of Riverside's library, was an adjoining building in which held public PADD's for those people who couldn't afford one or just needed to send files on the go. Jim found himself loving the quiet, he trailed his hands over several books, the paper feeling elegant and soft under his hands.

Books piled high on their table. The conversation flowed from Sam's theories on sub space travel, to Jim's questions on more complex phrases of High Vulcan. Tevik finally asked the question Jim knew he curious about, ever since they started talking in Vulcan. "Jim, how is it that you are so advanced in the Vulcan language?" Jim smiled brightly, leaning back without slouching so his ribs would throb less. "You mean, how come I'm better than Sammy at Vulcan?" "Knock it off," Sam said throwing a PADD stylus at him.

"Hey!" Jim laughed and stuck his tongue out, then said, "Our aunt taught me. I was six when we went to visit our Aunt Kara Kirk, so Sam was nine. She was a science officer in Star Fleet back around twenty years ago. She started out as a communications expert, the woman knew tons of languages and she could be fluent in it within two weeks. Apparently, she helped diplomatic relations between Vulcan and Earth about twenty years ago or so. Almost was one of them enough for a dual citizenship, but well, you know."

Tevik's brows rose in both surprise and confusion. "I do not know, Jim. What is it?" Jim smiled again, "Well, Vulcan's can be a bit exclusive." Tevik glanced at Sam and then back to him, his lips twitching slightly in agreement, "Anyway, she found her real passion; it was botany and she retired to research alien spores, or more importantly, the Jarvis Mavs." Tevik looked even more surprised.

"I was six and she had finally settled down. Mom was deep space and Frank had a family situation that he couldn't bring two kids along. Sam was old enough to wonder around the castle on Zana Mi, I stayed inside and Aunt Kara talked. A lot. Every summer I would go to her planet, for vacations too, Christmas, Spring Break. Sam sometimes would come with me or he'd go with mom on small federation space missions." Sam snorted, "More like errand running. Mom would never let us go on a ship that was actually going somewhere fun. The most I did in those weeks in space was corner science officers and engineers. They weren't even the brightest either, not important enough for a flag ship."

Jim shrugged with a small smile. He continued, "Well you know the Jarvis Mavs. It causes a disease remnant of old alzheimer's. Except, this kind doesn't have a cure and it's progression is super rapid. About a year and a half ago, she got infected. Too close to the spores I suppose. So instead of curing it, she fell to it." Tevik nodded his eyes showing his sympathy, "That is unfortunate. So you stopped visiting her, it is appropriate since she would not be fit to look after you." Sam snorted again and nudged Tevik slightly, "You would think so, huh?" Sam smirked at him and Jim scolded.

Tevik raised a brow again and Jim sighed, "I didn't tell mom or anyone but her neighbour, so that she'd be looked after." Tevik actually slipped slightly and both boys could see plain surprise on his face. He quickly controlled himself but both Sam and him grinned.

Jim tried to explain as best he could, "I didn't want to stop seeing her and mom wouldn't let me if everyone knew. Besides, she was looked after, her neighbour was her doctor. It worked out." Sam shook his head and he looked over to Tevik, saying, "Jim spent five months there last year running away during summer break, missing school and everything. Mom and Frank were very upset to say the least." Jim cringed at the memory and loved the fact that Frank didn't scar him after that blowout. Sam even winced as their eyes met, remembering. Jim shook it off first and let Sam continue, "Apparently, when mom got there last October Auntie thought she was back at the Vulcan Academy talking in Vulcan as if Jim was one of her students."

Jim didn't look up from the book in front of him. Kara flashed through his mind, her blonde hair tied up in a fashionable braid, her sing-song voice teaching him the ups and downs of five different languages, switching them often as different memories vied for attention. Her presence was commanding, intoxicating, it felt as if he was closer to his dad when he was with her. If, since they were twins, she brought something of her brother to Jim, and Jim loved the fact that Kara listened to him. Even when she did think he was a boy named T'hak or she moved from Andorian customs and went straight into the warrior culture of honour that Klingon's attuned to, describing different traditional weapons. She was one of the few that had that information on the secretive warring species.

She always saw the good in everything. And part of him thought if he could get her talking about the spores, he could help her. She was so close, so very close to solving it, creating a vaccine. It didn't matter that he was only nine, he knew how to make breakfast, he had brushed her hair and made sure she brushed her teeth and showered, he even knew how to grocery shop by himself. He did a fantastic job looking after her. Now, he only saw her once a week on a comm and each time, she remembered less and less of who she was. Who he was. By this time next year, there would be nothing left.

Tevik did something truly unexpected, he reached out and touched Jim's wrist. Jim froze at the cool contact, his heart leaping. Looking up, his concentration was solely on the dark haired Vulcan in front of him. "I am very proud of how you thought to take care of your family member." Jim swore the smile that split his face must have radiated throughout the room. Tevik blinked and Sam was openly glaring at him, though he didn't see it. Tevik retreated but Jim didn't stop smiling even as he continued, "Although, it was very foolish of you to think that at nine years of age you could look after a failing adult. It would have been more wise to contact adults and see to it that she had proper care, as she does now." Jim nodded, saying, "Huh-uh," still smiling.

The days now that Jim didn't have to work went by amazingly fast. Jim's bones healed, his ribs taking longer than usual, but he was now getting used to the sharp pains that stabbed him every now and then. School let out and then Sam, Jim and Tevik spent their days either at the library or wandering around town. As the days past though and snow started falling, Jim took pity on Tevik who was always wrapped up in layers of clothes and parka's. "You guys can go to Tevik's house. It's alright." Tevik tilted his head as he paid for their dinner at Kaba Kaba. "We've been spending a lot of time outside and I know you're freezing every time." "You do not need to worry about my comfort, I can assure you-" "No Tev. It's alright. Your parents don't like you hanging out at our house and besides, I have to catch up with Johnny sooner or later. You guys have fun and thanks again for supper." Tevik finally nodded and Sam gave him a smile and told him he'd be back home later. As they parted Sam drew closer and whispered, "Don't go home right away. Frank should be leaving in a hour or two and mom will be home in three for sure. Just wait a bit and you won't have to worry." Jim tensed as his aches made themselves known but he nodded and waved bye to them.

A half hour later and Jim was cold. Johnny had fallen to the stomach bug going around, Max was off visiting his uncle for the holidays and Jim felt suddenly alone. He found himself wondering about Christmas for the first time since he banned it from his mind a year ago. Kara had been the only one he liked spending it with and his mom had come and gotten him in the start of October last year. He didn't get to spend Christmas with Kara and he knew he never would again. It had made last Christmas horrible and before Tevik he thought it would be like that again. Now, he wanted to do something for the Vulcan who had in such a short amount of time made his and Sam's life better. Tevik warmed them, made them feel hopeful again, even with Frank here. Jim walked into Florence's and absently looked around.

Christmas would be in a little over a week. He hadn't gotten Sam anything, though they never did exchange presents since both of them never had credits for it. Frank didn't celebrate the holiday and never encouraged them to either. They were lucky if he needed to see his family members and they got to spend the day alone. Jim wondered around the shelves looking at the trinkets, most were too many credits for him but he stopped in front of an arts section. Jim cringed at the thought that passed through his head but he knew it was either this or nothing. Besides, Vulcans didn't usually place an importance on gift exchanges. Sam would either laugh at him or just shrug in indifference so he didn't matter too much. He sighed, knowing it was his only option, he grabbed some strings and a little bag and went to buy them before the store closed.

Jim wandered down to Captain's Rock a few minutes outside out town, the opposite side of where he lived; he took as deep a breath as he could welcoming in the cool air. The lake was frozen, signs had gone up to stop kids from walking on it, in case it wasn't thick enough. The huge rock that judged out in the middle of the lake was named for the first captain of Star Fleet who had been born in this town. Since then, the kids of Riverside always swam out to the rock and touched it, a good luck charm, as if the captaincy would wear off on one of them. It only did once on George Kirk Senior. Jim was the only kid who didn't participate in the tradition.

Jim stayed sitting on the cold bench, his feet slowly going numb like his nose, his bare hands shaking as he put together his gifts. The sun had set early, and the wind picked up. A part of him hated this cold weather and another liked the fact that he couldn't feel his sprained foot. Finally, Jim realized he had to get home, on his foot, it would take him almost an hour and he was getting tired. His ears were stinging and every time his moved his hands, the bone deep ache from the cold, made him cringe. He was just able to get the presents into little bags before he stuck his hands in his pockets to warm them. He hissed at the aching pain and knew it was time to leave for certain. He just prayed he had been out for two hours.

He was right; the walk was horribly long and agonizing. Everywhere stung and the wind, which now, when he wasn't protected by those few trees, was blowing strong. He bowed his head against it, gritting his teeth. When he did finally get home, his breathing laboured, he realized how bad his ribs were killing him. Frank had hit him there repeatedly before they were healed and without his bandages, he wasn't getting better as fast as he was used to. Stepping inside, the first thing that happened made him jump slightly.

"Where the hell have you been?" Jim took a deep breath wincing, only then realizing it wasn't Frank but his mom, who looked stressed and wide-eyed. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" "Sorry. I lost track. It won't happen again." He watched as his mother took in his shivering body and she went from angry to worried. "Jimmy, you're freezing. Come on, we need to get you out of those clothes." She came up to him and all he could think about were the purple-blue bruises on his ribs and back. He tensed and stepped away from her, making her stop. "It's alright. I can take care of myself. I've been doing it long enough." Jim straightened his shoulders, on the way upstairs he didn't show any signs of a hurt foot.

After a half hour wrapped in blankets, his mom came into his room after knocking lightly. Surprising him, she brought him some warm soup and took his temperature. "You look okay, but just in case I want you in bed for a day or so. You gave me a fright. Here, eat something." He hesitated not used to her being so attentive. Looking at her, he saw Sam, the exact expression he used when he was worried and sad, he reached out for the bowl and nodded his thanks. He didn't know how to tell her all the things he wanted to. He had spent most of his life feeling angry and then guilty. Angry because he looked nothing like her, angry that everyone saw the famous hero and that George Kirk's son was a disappointment. Most of all, he hated that she saw it too and that they couldn't talk because of it. Then he felt guilty for being angry, guilty for being the one who took away the real love of her life.

Instead, he stayed silent and didn't tell her to leave like he usually did. She stayed with him until he fell asleep and he couldn't help but feel oddly safe with her in that moment.

* * *

><p>His ears were slightly frostbit the next day but this lead to his mother buying more medicine for their kit at home. Jim even got more bandages to which Winona sighed, "You really need to be more careful Jimmy. I know you think your invincible but even medicine only goes so far. I don't like seeing you hurt. So please, promise me you'll be careful from now on."<p>

Jim nodded but Sam caught his eye, and both looked away from each other.

Christmas came up quickly. It was, Jim found, one of the best Christmases he had. Their mom stayed home, impressed them all (even Frank who was only tipsy that day) with her skills in cooking, although, where she got them none could say. They had the works and both boys ate deeply, knowing tomorrow it could all be thrown out. Winona had gotten Frank another piece for the engine, the boys got new clothes; Jim froze as he opened his smallest present. "Mom, what's this?" Inside the package were small old fashioned business cards, not exactly what one got their kid for Christmas, but then again, this was a Fleet household.

"Those Jim, are options." Sam picked up his identical package and tore into it, revealing the same cards. Jim got his PADD and ran the translucent square across the screen. In a moment, a site pulled up that displayed a homepage for a education program. It was off planet. Sam who had done the same thing looked up at him and their mom in shock. She continued, smiling at their identical expressions of shock, "I know you two are bored out of your mind in this town." Winona looked down, her eyes on her still half-full glass of wine. Her expression was calm but Jim could see the underlying sadness. This had been their dad's hometown, well, one of them at least. "You two are bigger than this town and you need more. I know you all like that Vulcan boy for a friend because he challenges you. So, these schools are options that you both need to look into, they're top of the line and I've been saving some credits over the years, I'll be able to put you into one of them."

Winona looked over to Frank next to her and put her hand on his knee. He looked about as shocked as they did. Jim then wondered how Frank would do just by himself, he then quickly shoved the thought away. Hopefully, he'd die in a ditch somewhere. "There are going to be ground rules though. You two both need to decide on one school, all of them except both your ages. If your going to go it won't be right away but for next year. You two can't force one to comply to another. I don't want to hear any fighting about it or you'll both be spending your high school years here. These school are academically based, you can't just coast along like you've been doing. The homework will be much more different and much harder than what your used to."

Jim and Sam glanced at each other and spent the next hour going through each and every site.

* * *

><p>Tevik, who was not celebrating Christmas, came over that night and Jim found out Sam was thinking the same thing as he was. They all went upstairs to Sam's room which was bigger than his. "Thanks for coming over." Tevik nodded as Sam opened the door, as it slid open Tevik replied, "It is...pleasant to meet your family." Tevik's eyes wandered around the room, walking in first. Jim glanced at Sam who didn't take his eyes off Tevik's back. The room had an old hardwood floor, soft green and grey paint, the bed was in the middle. It looked almost identical to his room, only his was blue, his window faced the backyard, not front and his bookshelf was littered with trinkets from Zanna Mi and a few trophies from school.<p>

Tevik looked at all the pictures on the wall, magnetized papers showing math equations and formulas that Jim wasn't interested in, except the diagram of a food synthesizer, that Jim had given Sam two years ago, when Jim got to help the man who fixed the one in school. "You said you two had news." Jim grinned and Sam followed, Tevik raised a brow at their ecstatic expressions. Both boys pulled out their cards and showed Tevik them, explaining each one and all three sat on Sam's bed. By the end of their visit even Tevik expressed happiness. Just before Tevik was about to leave Sam went red and said, "Wait. I got you something." Sliding off the bed he opened his dresser drawer and pulled out a small blue bag.

Tevik's expression didn't change but Jim noticed how his body relaxed slightly, "Sam, you did not have to get me anything. I myself did not think to get you anything. It is not a custom on Vulcan." "It's okay Tev. Consider this an introductory into human holidays." Tev, Jim could see, still looked slightly embarrassed but he composed himself quickly and slowly opened his present. While he did that Jim went to get his. He arrived back in the room just in time to see Tevik open a small black box. Both Tevik and Jim froze, Jim was shocked that Sammy would give him that. "Sam, this is beautiful and extremely rare. I cannot take such a gift from you." "You can and will. It's been in my family for generations, it was given to me on my thirteenth birthday and now it's mine to give to who I want. I want you to have it." Jim, looking at the very old pocket watch in Tevik's delicate grasp, felt his shock and anger subside. After all, he didn't want his father's watch, who else better was there to have such a present. It was perfect and he felt like a fool for holding his bag right then. He half wanted to put it back under his bed.

"Tev, you should have it. We really aren't going to do much with it. At least you'll have that to remember this year with us when you leave." Jim said just as Tevik was once again going to remind them of his eidetic memory, Jim cut him off continuing, "You know what I mean, here. It's not as good as Sam's but it was all I could get." He shoved the cloth bag onto the bed hating that his face felt so hot. He didn't look up a both Tevik and Sam picked out their little tie-string bags.

Sam snorted when he opened his bag, picking up the bracelet he said, "A friendship bracelet Jimmy? Seriously? Your such a kid." Jim didn't look up feeling like he wanted to sink into the floor. Tevik's voice made him glance up, however. Tevik spoke, "This is my family name in these beads. The three strings are my house colours. This is very pleasant James. You called this a friendship bracelet?" Tevik glanced at Sam who shrugged looking embarrassed as well. "Vulcan's do not practice this ritual-" "Trust me-" Sam said smiling, "It has fads throughout the centuries, different types too. Bracelets, necklaces, even those Andorian rings. It was only picked up again a few years ago." Tevik held out his hand and said, "I can show you what Vulcan friends do. It involves entering your mind. It can be intimate and it is not to be taken lightly, though I will not delve in deeply. It can be...my gift to both of you. Although, only if you consent."

Both Sam and Jim consented to undergoing a Vulcan meld, though this one was as Tevik explained it, not deep nor intrusive. Tevik reach out with his hands and carefully touched their temples. Right away Jim felt a tingle and his heart started jumping. "Relax," Tevik said, his voice sounding like an echo, he didn't know whether he was talking to Sam or him. Then he felt it, like a push on his mind, a soft presence. He heard a gasp and didn't know if he made it or not. Tevik's presence was all around him, it felt as if they were hugging and Jim felt a peace come over him, another emotion he couldn't name, he felt all at once, safe and at home. Then Tevik was gone and it was just him, he felt an echoing sense of loss. Both boys were out of breath and Jim couldn't help but launch himself at Vulcan showing him his first human hug. Before he knew it Sam followed and all three stayed like that for a couple moments before Tevik really did have to leave.

It was, Jim thought as he got into bed that night, the most thought provoking holiday they had and one of the happiest. Tevik was now, for certain, his best friend. The powerful connection a meld could do, floored Jim and he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wanted that sense of peace again, he wanted Tevik to do it longer, he said it was merely a friendship bond, not something taken lightly but not something profound either.

Jim blushed feeling like his thoughts were two steps ahead of him and when he thought of Tevik again, it was his lips and how he wanted to show the Vulcan what a human kiss was. He groaned embarrassed and knowing now he truly had a crush on Tevik, he shoved his head in the pillow, making himself think of something different. A possibility of living off planet. Some of them however were in Europe, Africa, one was even on Zanna Mi. He could see Kara every now and then. Maybe he and Tevik could now see each other too. Tevik wouldn't be on Earth, neither would he and Sam, they could visit, go to a school close to Vulcan.

As Jim feel asleep, it was to listing off every possibility and feeling the one emotion he wasn't used to-hope.


	3. Off to the Stars: Part One

His mom left the next day, off for another seven months. She'd comm them, check in. Sam and Jim cleaned up the house, the holidays officially over. By New Years, which they spent with Tev, introducing him to the illogical festival, everything was back to normal. Tevik knew by now not to ask how Jim got a black eye, not able to hide the swelling with makeup. And when he finally did (because both boys knew the Vulcan would ask) Jim came up with the only excuse he could use. He got it doing something wrong. It had made Tevik frown and try once more to give him advice but it didn't stop the Vulcan from showing up four days later to Jim's eleventh birthday. No presents were exchanged or anything, but Jim did have a meal paid for by Sam which was just as nice. No one mentioned George Sr. for the first time.

Life with Tevik was honestly the best, Jim thought for the billionth time. He was granted a day to spend with Tevik's parents, though they did make it 'Vulcan obvious' that they preferred Sam to him. By the end of March he felt like he won them over a little bit as he spoke to Balev about his work that would be ending soon. While their social life was looking up, both Jim and Sam narrowed their school choices to three.

Sam's number one choice was Arcadia, an off planet program that Jim was impressed by, his only objection was that it was too new and so Star Fleet centric it turned him off. Their second choice was Norva, which was located on Victor Five. Jim liked it because, while it was Star Fleet (as all their choices where), it had history and set out on different working programs not just the Fleet. Their third choice was solely Jim's; he didn't back down from living on Zana Mi. It had lead to several arguments that neither boy told their mother.

While this was happening and giving the boys something to hold on to. Their life inside their house had become much darker. Something had changed with Frank and neither boy knew what precisely; perhaps because they were leaving, they only knew he no longer cared for appearances. Their bruises now could mark any part of their bodies, not just where they could hide it. Sam had gotten paid back for all the times he was with Tevik. It had been the first time Jim saw Frank use a belt and not his fists. He saw Sam trying to curl up on the floor as Frank twisted his arm, his hand thrashing down, the belt cutting into Sam's back. It was also the first time both boys fought him at once. It didn't matter in the end though, Frank was as strong as a horse, even with all the alcohol in him. Jim found out just how much the belt cut.

Then came the day in late February that Frank came up with a new strategy in hurting them. He used the one thing that had both boys at his mercy.

Food.

By May, Jim was getting used to hunger pains and had learned to steal a couple cans from the market and hoard them under his mattress. Sam wasn't fairing any better than he was and since he wasn't very good at stealing, Jim had to share with him. But while they both got a break from their house once a week to go to Tevik's, they found themselves more and more reluctant. The Vulcan family were extremely perceptive and each time Tevik's mom T'Vala would ask them if they wished to discuss anything. When they left, each time Jim could see confusion and slight worry in those brown eyes before they quickly disappeared in stoicism. The one thing that Jim found he was grateful for was that Vulcan's didn't understand abuse. Their culture did not allow such actions, they could not see logic it and therefore it did not exist. It lead to late night discussions about the planet Vulcan and what it must be like as learned more advanced ways to heal open wounds.

Jim finally lost his battle in early June, he found himself once more alone with Frank. He was still seen as a delinquent to most of the town especially since a week prior he had gotten caught stealing for the first time. His mother had yelled at him through her responding comm. And Tevik had not been too pleased either, his parents re-banning him. He knew then that he didn't, at all, win them over. He had spent his second night in jail and this time two extra days on top of it. No charges but another fine. And another report, which then took the school on Zanna Mi off the table. It made Jim lash out the moment he was home, and Frank lashed back.

Which was why, a week later when Sam practically ran to Tevik's, Jim found himself still grounded, facing more community service, and his back barely healed from the belt Frank had used against it. That night Frank had come home beyond drunk. It always amazed Jim how much the guy could still stand and walk without tumbling a bit.

Jim had frozen at the sound of the door closing, his head in the empty fridge wanting even a piece of mouldy cheese. He hadn't eaten anything the past couple of days. Not being able to go out, especially to stores, Sam having eaten his way through Jim's pathetic stash in those three days he was away, Jim found himself dreaming of food. He slowly closed the door not wanting to alert Frank, maybe he'd crash on the couch like he did the night prior and leave him alone.

It didn't happen. Frank came straight to the kitchen. He leaned against the doorway when he spotted Jim and spoke, "What do you think you're doing up at this hour, No One?" Jim's heart sped up a bit, Frank calling him no one was never a good sign. "I'm just headed upstairs." "Is that right? And the stairs are, what, in the fridge?" "I'm going to bed." Frank didn't move as Jim approached the doorway. "You think you're so smart, don't you No One? Going off to a Star Fleet school soon. Did you ever wonder why? It's your mother shipping you off so that she doesn't have to come back here every couple of months. She doesn't even want neither of you. You're Nothing, you've always been Nothing. You'll always be Nothing. No one will even miss you when you die."

Jim knew not to take the bait so he said quietly, "I am going to bed now. Goodnight." He didn't move though, Frank blocked the doorway and he didn't want to get in arms reach of him. Frank took a step forward and Jim stepped back. He could feel Frank smile, his eyes on the other man's feet. "Funny. Sam always tries to defend her. He's naive that way. Always threatens to tell her about what happens here. But you, you're so unlike your brother. Both blonde, both smart, both brats, but you- you have your father's baby blue eyes. Not your momma's brown. You have his grin, his walk, his attitude. Hell, I have no doubt, your daddy would have favoured you if he had lived." He paused, his eyes taking in every inch, it made Jim feel bare and little. He hated feeling it. He couldn't help but glare back at Frank.

Frank smiled at the sight. A smile with no feeling beneath it. "You're a wolf," he said quietly, his voice growling. His eyes still too intense, Frank continued, "unlike your brother. You bite back as hard as you can. Do you think about revenge Jimmy? Does it cross your mind? Your brother doesn't, the moment he's out running after that Vulcan of his, he forgets this place, leaves it all behind. I've seen him out on the streets, laughing and joking. You, boy, you No One, you like to pretend you're away, but you never feel it. You never leave this place do you?"

Jim had backed away from Frank's advances so much he was against the wall. His heart was racing, whatever Frank was planning it wasn't good. It was going to be very, very bad. And Jim was used to that, so then why was he so terrified? "I'm going to teach you never to forget. You're never going to leave this house No One. Not even when you're halfway across the galaxy." Frank caught him just as he grabbed the sensor to the back door. It slid open but then slid shut in front of him as Frank threw him to the kitchen floor.

Jim knew this time something was different. This was rage, it was cold, not the heated fights that Frank usually initiated. He needed someone to help him. His scabbed over wounds on his back opened up as he scrambled to crawl away from the monster. Frank slammed his head down to the floor so hard, he felt his nose break and blood flowed down his face and in his mouth. He coughed, stunned for a moment, enough time for Frank to hold him down. He found himself facing Frank on his back, the strong, unyielding body pinning him down. "Get off me, you bastard! I hate you! I hope you fucking die!" Frank above him laughed a loud, unchecked bark of a laugh that sent fear coursing through Jim.

Frank hit him in the diaphragm, making his next comments catch in his throat. He coughed as the next blow hit his already bruised ribs. He heard a crack and then the sharp pain made him try to hit back. Frank laughed again as the poor hit connected with his face. "You're going to have to do better than that No One." Jim gasped at the backhand that followed the statement.

He was flipped over and again he tried to get away. "Stop it boy. I said enough!" His heart raced as his worn shirt was torn from his back. His breathing, shallow and painful from his face and ribs, made his voice crack, "Stop...no..." The sound of Frank's belt unbuckling was what made Jim press his stinging, swollen face into the floor just before it descended on his back.

Jim bit his lip so hard it started to bleed, his body shaking and flinching under the assault. The pain came after the initial strike, burning, it seemed to go on for an eternity, the pain turning into something less sharp but more deep. Blood soaked through the rags of his shirt, making the floor slippery beneath him. He coughed, wheezing, his face pulsing as he tried to crawl deeper into the floor, held still by Frank who was panting hard on top of him.

When the whipping slowed, agony was the only thing Jim felt. It overwhelmed him, engulfed him with each beat of his heart. Everywhere hurt, his ribs, his face, his back, his whole body was tense, strung so tight he thought he'd break into pieces. It was as if every nerve ending was on fire. Jim's hands were curled into fists, red with blood that was drying on the floor.

He found himself silently praying, he never really believed in god, no one really did anymore, but he did. He just wanted one thing. One thing. Just make Frank pass out. Just pass out. Go to sleep.

Please.

Frank's hand that had been painfully clutching his hair, released him and Jim found himself shaking, unsure whether to try to move or not. Just as Jim was certain he'd himself pass out from the assault, he felt dread. He felt a terrible sense of horribleness. Frank's hand smoothed over his hair, straightening it, almost fatherly. "I know you Jimmy, and I know this for certain; you'll never forget me."

Jim closed his eyes, his empty stomach wanting to heave. His body was pulsing with pain and his heart leapt as he felt Frank's hands move to his hips. Jim, mouth full of blood, unable to move from enticing even more stabbing pain throughout his body, finally, finally gave in. He lost.

James T. Kirk swore he wouldn't cry out. He swore he wouldn't give Frank the satisfaction of seeing him being scared. Right now he was terrified. He had spent the last half hour biting the inside of his mouth, so much so, he had to spit out blood every other minute. But he lost and as he tried, in vain, to once more get away, he cried out. As his jeans were roughly pulled down, he twisted and kicked and yelled. He called out for Sam. He called out for his mom. For Tevik.

It was no use.

Jim lost his battle and he ended up sobbing; showing just how much power Frank had over him. He gave up.

-BREAK-

Sam was looking down at him, his brown eyes full of worry. "Hey Jimmy." His voice was quiet, soft, not his usual tone. Jim groaned dizzily, before everything came back to him. He tensed and Sam's frown deepened. "Jimmy, it's okay. It's just you and me. What the hell happened to you?" Jim took a few deep breaths, shaking and looking around. He was in his room, it was day time, slowly, he closed his eyes. He felt tears weld up but he quickly lifted his hands to his eyes. He pulled them away quickly, sniffling, seeing that they were bandaged. His nose gave a twinge of pain, but he could tell from the way he was able to press against his face, it was somewhat healed.

"How many days has it been?" Jim asked drily. Sam handed him a glass of water and Jim took it, trying not to swallow too fast. "Three. I had some explaining to do to Tevik, he wouldn't exactly take the whole flu thing again. You get sick too much. Jim...what happened? I came home and you were passed out in the shower. The water was freezing, you had to have been in there for an hour at least." Jim tried to sit up but hissed as his back protested. "You know what happened. What usually happens."

Sam surprising him moved quickly, making Jim flinch instinctively. Sam's brows went up and he couldn't help but comment, "That's not what usually happens." He said as he laid next to him. Jim edged away slightly, ignoring the stinging. He changed the subject grasping at anything. "Did you tell the school that I had an infection? They know I have Lannect Syndrome, it's been awhile since I was last sick for them." Sam was already nodding by the time he finished. "They also know you have a mild case, so it's kind of touch and go. After-all, I'm not the liar of the family. You have two tests to make up for though. Exams are this week, in case you've forgotten." Jim nodded, silent.

He could feel Frank's hands on him, feel the tiles beneath him, his blood in his eyes, his mouth. He felt like he was drowning in his own blood. "Hey," Sam said reaching out. Once more Jim tried to move away and Sam pulled back. "Jimmy, I'm on your side. We can leave soon. We'll be gone. Just a little over two more months and we're out of here." Bile rose in Jim's throat. Two more months. He couldn't do it. He'd have to look at him, talk to him, go into the...kitchen.

He only managed to turn over before he threw up the water he drank.

Two hours later, even Sam ignored better judgement and with his help, they ended up pulling together enough credits for a hover cab and ended up at Kaba Kaba. Jim half fell, half sat down in a secluded both in the back. He had sight views of the entire place and he wondered why he didn't always sit here before. It was when a small salad and light yogurt was placed in front of him (Sam wouldn't let him order anything heavy) that Sam had enough. "Tell me what happened Jimmy." Jim shrugged tense, sore and still feeling waves of fear that came and went. His body was still stiff and burning in places that he didn't dare think about. He needed another hypo. He ignored it.

"Where is he?" Sam shrugged replying impatiently, "He said his sister needed him for something." Frank's sister was addicted to Tellarite Xannic root, which worked as a pain reliever and was banned for humans because it was so potent. Frank would be gone for awhile then. "He took off a day and a half ago. He asked how you were though." Jim clenched his jaw, taking small spoonfuls of yogurt. He hadn't eaten in such a long time, he didn't know if he'd keep it down.

"Jim-" Jim snapped, his hand slamming down on the table. "Enough Sam!" Sam froze as did half the restaurant; Jim took a deep breath and winced, his hand throbbing. "It's nothing, okay? I got it bad and it's over now. I just-I just hate him." Jim felt that darkness well up, he kept on hearing how he was nothing, he kept hearing Frank's voice as stated so calmly that's he'd be nothing, how he was no one. No One. He starred at Sam then, and Sam didn't move, didn't show anything except a widening of his eyes, that Jim didn't notice. All he could think was that Sam probably wouldn't miss him, and that Frank was right on that one thing. Then he felt a breeze against his neck and cringed, spilling it all out, he spoke in a quiet rush.

"I wish he would die. I wish he'd knelled over today. I wish I could do it. If I was older, stronger, I'd kill him. I'd plan it all. I'd make it look like an accident or just run. I'd disappear completely. It'd be worth it." Perhaps, it was his lowered voice, the calmness, the tone of which he spoke but when Jim looked up, his face deadly serious, his eyes bright not with excitement but cool rage, Sam had frozen a look of pure shock and slight fear in his eyes. He couldn't have known how much he looked like Frank in that moment. Jim realized what he said feeling guilty. His eyes lowered to his food but for all of his guilt, he couldn't take it back. He meant every word. And then he found that he was scared too. Scared of himself, scared that he saw beauty in fire.

Frank didn't come home for a week and a half. Jim was still bruised, more hurt than he had ever been so far. He was still flinching which he hated and tried his best not to do. He hadn't slept much, Jim found he had nightmares every time and now hated his eidetic memory. He could still _feel_ everything. He stayed awake most nights going over how many days until they could leave. They needed to decide on a school. Jim and Sam needed to take entrance tests, they needed to get out. To get to sleep he started caressing his new scars. The game of fate that he had lost spectacularly. He let his fingers gently glide over the small little crescent shapes on his palms. One, two, three, four...for some reason that Jim couldn't explain, it helped. He knew, he needed to leave. He really needed to leave. Now.

He always had his door on lock even if he was only in his room for a few minutes. They finally had enough credits from Frank to eat regularly, after the past four months, they were only just getting used to it. Both of them still on small portions. Jim had finally given in on Friday after he completed his tests to see Tevik. He was healed enough on the outside that the Vulcan wouldn't see so much.

Tevik met them at the front entrance of school. It was the last day they would attend there. They walked silently to the library but Jim could feel Tevik's curious glances. Once they sat down, Jim came out with it, "Sorry I haven't been able to see you. I missed you, but I was sick and had tests to study for." Tevik nodded, though, his eyes were worried. "Sam did enlighten me to your condition. You are very lucky to have survived such a disorder as a child, only ten point seven percent of children do so. Although, how you became infected with such a rare illness is perplexing." Jim shrugged his mind focused solely on Tevik. He found himself more and more needing the Vulcan. He had commed him every other day on mute, so Tevik wouldn't see his bruised and broken face. Each time the call ended he felt better. Tevik made him focus on something other than what had happened.

"I was two, travelling with my mom. You know how kids were allowed on vessels back then. Well, I tended to outwit my babysitter and ended up in the science labs. They were doing experiments, I got into them. It didn't end well for me. But I did get excellent help and obviously didn't get too bad. Got a ton of allergies though and every now and then, when I get an infection, it can get dangerous but usually if I get help right away, I'm okay." Tevik tilted his head and Jim tensed knowing he was in trouble. Tevik had thought of something and was about to point it out when Sam seeing the same thing interrupted him.

"Tev," Sam said, "What are you planning on doing now that school's over?" Tevik, knowing him as well as they did, wanted to frown. But he held his composure, he was so much more Vulcan stoic than when he had arrived it made Jim feel frustrated and sad that it took him longer to tell what he was feeling. "I had previously planned to return to Vulcan with my parents. As it is, recent events have offered multiple courses of action." Jim frowned, he had been counting on Tevik going to Vulcan. Norva was just a day from Vulcan on a warp drive ship. Much closer than Arcadia which seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. He had been hoping to use that against Sam. He had to give up on seeing Aunt Kara, he didn't want to give up on seeing Tevik for who knows how long. He felt dread well up and with it.

His hands started to burn.

"Recent events?" Sam asked, his tone as tense as Jim felt. Tevik glanced at him and said, "You have discussed in detail your wish to attend The College of Norva or The Institute of Arcadia. I have been studying such programs with you and have found them to be extremely fascinating at how much improved they are from our last system." Jim snorted and Sam smiled. Tevik continued, "My education has not lacked due to the Vulcan elders who were able to take time out of their schedule to educate me on Vulcan practices. My father, himself, has dedicated much of his time in the past ten months. However, I..." Tevik hesitated and both Jim and Sam leaned forward. They knew what came after hesitations tended to be personal and all the much more powerful. "However, I have become comfortable with some more human practices. These programs that you have chosen are much more gratifying than ones on earth. While Norva has an exemplary engineering program and is closer to my home, Arcadia already has three Vulcans attending and the school is capable of accommodating the quicker pace of Vulcan learning. My family and I have discussed that I join the program on Arcadia with the priority being that I join their more advanced group."

Jim and Sam nodded knowing from their readings that the more advanced group was for the distinguished students and those were able to access the labs and actually start working on what they would later make careers in. While Jim admired it from afar, all he could think about was that Star Fleet was making ready made cadets that would join young and ready to jump as high as the Fleet said to. Jim was even less enthusiastic about it than ever. He didn't want a single person to control him. To pin him down. To make him powerless.

He shuddered.

Sam on the other hand, brightened, looking like it was his birthday and Tev sang him a birthday song. "That's amazing. We could continue to go to school together! We'd be off planet and together." Sam grinned and Tevik nodded his eyes glancing towards Jim. "That was what I was implying, although my family has yet to come with a definite answer." Sam nodded and asked, "But if it is a choice. They would prefer Arcadia right?" Tevik nodded again and Sam turned to him. Jim just swallowed feeling bittersweet. Tevik and a Star Fleet school. Or no Tevik and a more liberal school.

He sighed, knowing there was no choice. He'd follow Tevik wherever he went.


	4. Off to the Stars: Part Two

When they got home the holovid was on, the screen showing a popular drama. Frank was back, sitting in his chair, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. A half eaten sandwich lay on a plate on the side table. His eyes flickered to them as they entered. Jim felt cold sweat down his back. Frank's attention quickly shifted back to the holo and they went quietly upstairs.

Jim lay awake, fully clothed, listening to his heart beat, counting, one...two...three...four. His fingers brushing his scars that he had made himself. His back still itched from where he had sloppily tried to use the dermal regenerator. He remembered laying on the floor, in and out of consciousness, how he made it upstairs, however, he still didn't know but he remembered dragging himself into the shower. He had laid in there trying to get clean, the water scorching hot. He had to wash it all away, rid himself of it somehow. Jim had to hypo himself, reset his nose and ribs and then curled up, passing out completely. He couldn't imagine how Sam must have felt, finding him like that, and he must have been the one to clean all the blood up. Jim must have left a small scattering trail up the stairs from...that room.

He still hadn't gone into the room. His concentration snapped into awareness as he heard movement from downstairs. The footsteps were heavy, slow. Frank was drunk, not tipsy. He held his breath, ready to jump up as the footsteps came upstairs, then slowly toward his room. Jim only let out a shaky breath as Frank past his door and went to his own bedroom. The sound of the door sliding shut seemed loud in the silence of the night. As did the pounding in Jim's chest.

It was then, when he slowly released the tension from his body that his fear started to morph. In the course of a few minutes he clenched his hands not in fear but in hate. His fury consumed him, making his sit up swiftly and turn to punch his mattress, not enough pain to make it satisfactory but he couldn't risk waking anyone up by hitting the walls. He hated Frank, he hated the fact that Sammy had been out, he hated his mother who was so oblivious. He hated that his life was always shit. He even hated that he was going to Arcadia. He knew in that moment he preferred Norva even with Tevik's involvement. He growled holding in a scream.

In his mind he pictured himself going downstairs and picking up a knife from THAT room. He pictured thrusting it over and over into Frank's passed out body. He pictured burning this horrid house down. His father might have loved it but he was dead and Kara would be dead and no love had been here since Jim had been born. It wasn't ever his home. He grew so angry that he did end up hitting his headboard which while not as painful was enough to scratch his knuckles.

Breathing hard, trying to control his emotions, he felt tears weld up; stinging his eyes as he held them in. He'd get back at Frank. Somehow. Still shaking with anger he curled up determined not to give in. He didn't sleep that night, but his mind didn't wander back either, which he thought was a slight improvement.

It was three days later, they had just completed their entrance exams and passed brilliantly; Tevik had informed them that his parents had agreed to survey Arcadia when they left for Vulcan next month and would then have a final decision for him at that time. Jim was counting the days now. Classes would begin September eighth, Terran calendar. It meant seventy more days.

Soon it would be July and their mother was due to come back in less than two weeks. She's only be planet side for a month this time but Sam was looking forward to it. Jim couldn't help but wonder what Frank had planned before her arrival. He hadn't so much as yelled at them since he'd been home and it was putting him more on edge than usual. They were just arriving home when they both noticed Frank tuning the car. It was the last check up now. The new comm unit had been installed and the metal was shinning in the daylight. The red paint gleamed and the engine purred. Jim felt his rage spike at site of Frank half sitting in the front seat, a cloth going over the dashboard.

He looked up at their approach and his eyes staying on him longer than necessary. "I want both of to fix the fence in the backyard and I want it fully painted in three days. Get on it!" Without a word, Sam and Jim dumped their bags in the entrance way and then made their way to the shed. Frank kept it supplied for when he got bored. He liked to think of himself as a handy man. Though really, it was Jim and Sam who did most of the work. They both stood still, both carrying boxes of tools. The fence was half falling down, crooked and chipped so badly Jim felt it would have been better just to replace it all. Sam sighed and went to the left, Jim found himself frozen. He swallowed the burn that threatened to consume him. He HATED Frank.

They made quick work of it, the hot sun beating down. The new compressor and Vulcan Haitek, made the work go by twice as quick as what would have happened if they used only Terran tools. At one point in late afternoon, a part of the fence collapsed and Jim was ready to throw a fit. He was thirsty, his neck was sun burnt and his anger mounted to dangerous levels. He threw down his drill and with Sam calling him back distantly, he marched back towards the house. Sam reached him just in time.

"Don't Jimmy. C'mon, stop. You'll just make it worse. We're almost done. C'mon." Sam held him tightly, his body shaking in his brother's grasp. Jim took a few deep breaths and they both looked up when the back door slid open. Frank, broad and tall filled the doorway. And Jim froze his gaze lingering on the older man. His gaze focusing on the room behind him. He felt his heart start to pound. Frank smiled, his arms crossed across his chest. "I don't think you two are finished, are you?" Jim clenched his jaw as Sam drew him back and Sam replied, "We're getting it done. C'mon Jim."

His hands were red, his skin peeling on his arms and neck. He had been the one who offered to sand the fence. He needed to let out some of his energy. Sam had let him, looking worried, offering to do half of it. Jim hadn't let him, he only just finished when night had finally fallen. Sam had sat on the porch, paint cans now resting beside him, ready to be mixed and brushed on the next day. Frank hadn't said a word to them, except to tell them to go straight to bed, they didn't get to eat until the fence was finished.

Jim laid awake for hours, he finally fell asleep once he heard Frank go to his room and the door slid shut behind him.

The next day Jim finally lost it. Sam was outside, muttering and scowling but taking the old paintbrushes and working. Jim wouldn't. He practically ran inside the house, going through the kitchen without seeing it. Without hesitating or noticing. He found Frank non-surprisingly in front of the holovid. "You can't be fucking serious! We are not going to paint that whole fucking fence with paintbrushes from the last century! Where's the real brush?" Jim stopped, realizing how loud he was yelling. Frank put down his beer and leaned further back into his chair. "First off, you'll keep your damned mouth shut boy. Second, you'll paint with whatever I tell you to paint with! Now get to work, or you won't be eating today!"

"Fuck you!" Frank was out of his chair faster then Jim could move and Jim stumbled over the backhand that Frank gave him. He grabbed his hair and panicking Jim flung out his fists, earning himself a yelp from Frank. Jim might be only eleven, he might be smaller than average and skinny, but he knew a person's body. He knew where punches hurt more. For the first time, he let his anger override him. He hit Frank in the diaphragm just like Frank had hit him. He kicked out at the older man's knee making him buckle. Unfortunately, Jim was still in his grasp and they both went down, spiking Jim's terror.

He elbowed Frank's throat and tried to knee him, but Frank, coughing and looking murderous used his strength against him. A hard blow, feeling like a hammer instead of a fist hit Jim square across the face, making him gasp. "Fuck me, huh? I've had you Jimmy. I've fucked you into the ground. Maybe you've forgotten already? Maybe I need to remind you?"

Jim couldn't scream but he did fight back this time. Doubly hard. He wouldn't! He couldn't! It took minutes, Jim scratching, kicking and biting, both of them yelling. But Jim was flipped over and just when he thought it would happen again, just as Frank's hands were once more on his clothed hips, Frank froze. His body on top of his, both of them panting. Jim looked up and froze too. Sam was standing near the opening to the living room. His face full of horror.

How long had he been there? How much had he seen? How much had he heard? Did he know?

Jim felt a blow against his head and gasped. "Both of you, out! Samuel get to that fucking fence! You, boy, you want something else to do? Go clean the car!" Jim jumped as Frank kicked him one last time, he slowly stood, his adrenaline racing. He didn't look up, he didn't want to see Sam's face right then. Instead, his gaze went to the side table in the foyer. He felt a sick sort of pleasure.

A minute later, he looked back at the house, he could see Sam starring at him from the backyard. Frank couldn't be seen through the window, he left the living room for the kitchen. Most-likely, getting another beer. Heart still racing, he took the keys he stole and jumped inside the car. It only took seconds. He pushed the key in, turned it, set the gear to drive and pressed as hard as could on the petal.

Fear coursed through him, thinking of all the punishments waiting for him. It took a minute, maybe two for Frank to comm him, threatening. He turned him off, his fear morphing into excitement. He turned on the music, blasted it and quickly popped the hood. He raced down the highway, feeling his whole body explode. Adrenaline, fear, blinding happiness at being free for just a moment. He screamed, loving it. He had a plan and he knew exactly what to do.

He saw Johnny and couldn't help but call out, not seeing him in weeks. He hoped they'd be on speaking terms still, Max hadn't spoken to him in over two months. When the police showed up, he felt his fear spike again but he turned sharply, not letting it stop him. He stepped harder on the gas, going over a hundred miles an hour. The fence raged up and he smashed through it, luckily. Surprised, he gave out an involuntary chuckle, needing to release something. His whole body felt like vibrating. This was it, he was going to do it. He needed to do it.

Concentrating, he switched gears. It was coming, he was almost there. He screamed releasing every emotion, everything he felt over the past couple of years. His hate, his fear, his sorrow, his jealousy and need. He thought of Frank, of Tevik and Sam, of Kara, his mom. He switched gears, turned...if he didn't calculate it right, he'd die. He knew he die. A part of him didn't care, another part was just too high, too full of emotions to do anything but act. He tossed open the door and jumped.

He landed hard, sliding, his grip almost lost but he pulled himself up. Breathing hard, he laid there for a second dazed. The officer appeared then, standing in front of him. Jim stood up, taking a breath, he couldn't help but look down, even after hearing it crash, he needed to see it. He couldn't believe he made it, that he did it.

He looked back at the officer, and couldn't help but ask, "Is there a problem officer?"

He felt like smiling.

-BREAK-

His trail didn't last long, a little less than a week. His mom was there looking tired and disappointed. Sam was stone faced and he knew enough not to even scold him. Jim couldn't help but think though, how Sam was now stuck with Frank. Alone. Because Jim now, wasn't going home. He was spending the next sixty days in a juvenile detention centre outside out town.

-BREAK-

It ended quickly. More quickly than Jim thought it would. He had declined visitors for the past two months. He had eaten three times a day. He actually slept. The boys, after a few fights, all of which he ended up winning, all of which took place after lights out, settled down and didn't try to attack him anymore. By the last three weeks, he made three friends. He learned how to sleep light and yet rest at the same time. He no longer jumped at the sound of a mattress squeaking or a boy snoring too loudly. He felt better. He felt a lot better than he had in a long time.

When it came time to leave, it was only Arcadia, Arcadia that might still accept him, that made him want to leave. Half of him felt safe here. The food was terrible, but it was there, the bed lumpy but no one tried to join him. He knew what to expect from everyone around him. It was nice not having to tip-toe around people. With his free time he got a hour of library time. No one here used it, so he had it to himself. He kept up on his readings, the guards even bringing him new books, some even from their own collections. He also started exercising more. It was something everyone here did, purely out of boredom. There were no PADDS, no holovids, just books that you couldn't take to your dorm and an exercise room, and of course chores. They all were kept busy doing the smallest of things. Yard work, maintenance (only for the few privileged, he wasn't one of them), and painting, ironically, using the same century old paint brushes that Frank had made them use.

His mom was the one to pick him up surprisingly. Sam was nowhere to be seen. He wished now he had let Sam in to see him. What if he was hurt so badly, that he ended up in the hospital? "Where's Sam?" Winona frowned, her eyes narrowing. "Jimmy, get in the car, okay? Sam's at home." That was it. He slid into the passenger seat and sat quietly. It was August thirtieth. If he was still going to Arcadia, he'd have to leave within two days. The whole ride was tense, he had no clue what was waiting for him back home. He half wished he was back in his dorm. If Arcadia didn't except him... He turned to look at his mom as they parked in the driveway.

They didn't get out. She looked at him and his heart sank. "Why didn't you tell me?" Not expecting that question, Jim froze. "Tell you what?" His heart sank even further as he saw tears start to build up in her eyes. "Stop that." He said a little too harshly. She flinched at his tone, her eyes widening. "You're always crying around me. I'm sorry alright. I'm a screw up. Okay? I hated that car. I still hate it and I'd crash it all over again if it was still here!" He quickly opened the door and got out, his heart pounding. Sam was in the doorway and Jim tensed as his brother ran up to him.

Not expecting anything, he tensed further as Sam hugged him. "Hey Jimmy. Dang you grew a couple inches. You're not going to believe what happened over the summer." Sam looked to Winona and smiled. Jim sighed. "Could I take a shower? Please?" Jim was still wear his uniform that all the kids had to wear. Grey shirt, grey pants. He no longer fit his old clothes. It was a shame, he liked his old jacket.

He stepped inside the house first and looked around. It was strange, everything was so...clean. Winona spoke her voice soft. "Honey, Frank and I got a divorce. It's why I'm still planet side. I'm going to travel with you two and Tevik to Arcadia, then get dropped off on Star base Alpha Nine." Jim was surprised. No Frank. He was gone. Just like that. He felt no relief, which was strange, he still felt tense and his eyes couldn't help but wander over the familiar rooms, looking for him, or signs of him. A sweater, a glass of beer, the smell of an old cigarette. Nothing was here. For some reason, he felt a little lost because of it.

It wasn't long before Sam knocked on his door. Jim unlocked it, his PADD in his hands. He missed his PADD, missed talking to Sam. He missed Tevik a lot. More than he cared to admit. He could have commed him, but felt like such a failure, he knew Tevik would probably never want to be his friend again. A Vulcan, friends with an actual juvenile delinquent, it was laughable. He had tried extremely hard to erase the boy from his mind. To stop wondering about him, to stop being jealous that he was most likely hanging out with Sam every day. He had done this, he had put himself in the centre. Then his thoughts went to kissing him, to touching him, placing their hands together, he knew it was intimate for a Vulcan. His thoughts would horribly turn over to Frank but then disappear for just moment as he pictured Tevik, his brown eyes, his cheeks flushed green, Tevik underneath him, facing him.

He tried not to notice the other boys, or the fact that he became nervous around them. Even when he knew he could take most of them in fights. He wasn't certain whether or not he was frightened or curious. They blended together until he saw Frank and shut down.

Sam sat down not talking. Jim didn't look up from his PADD, he was going over a program that could help him with the locks and senors on his door. Perhaps he could put one on his dorm. No one needed to know. He had gone over it in his head, how often Frank had passed his door, how he could have overridden the lock since Winona had programed him to be system manager. He didn't want that to happen, ever, with anyone.

"Jim..." Jim glanced up, having forgotten Sam was there. Sam didn't talk for a bit then said, "Mom talked to the Arcadia staff, she told them about your situation with fights, they're still willing to take you." Jim felt a sense of absolute relief and nodded, unable to speak. Sam continued, "We're going shopping tomorrow. New clothes. Then we're heading out, Tevik is going to come over tonight, his parents are leaving for Vulcan. He wants to see you." Jim couldn't help but feel shock over that. "Why?" It came out before he could help it and Sam frowned, "Idiot. Because you're his friend. You're my brother and we're the three musketeers. Why didn't you let any of us visit you? You should have. If you just talked to me-" "You what? What would you have done?" Jim could help the harshness in his tone and Sam snapped, his tone angry as well, "The same thing that I did. I told mom. I told her how he treated us." Jim froze. His whole world stopping. She knew, he knew, everyone. Maybe even Tevik. Sam's eyes went wide and he spoke softer, "Not that. I didn't...not that. I showed her my bruises and told her you were worse. You have a couple scars on your back, you know. I told her about those."

Jim nodded, he had seen them in the mirror at the centre. The crescents weren't his only scars that night. He hadn't regenerated them properly but they were thin and faint so he was hoping they might fade naturally. He took a breath and said, "Thanks, for telling her. I didn't want to come back, even for a couple days. I was thinking of asking to stay another night and go straight to the shuttle. Are you sure Arcadia is going to accept me?" Sam nodded. "They said that they had several students with questionable behaviour and that for children of your calibre, need extra care and challenges, all of theirs are like professors and star fleet officers now. They kind of take in second chances and make them great, like all their students."

Jim let out a breath, he hadn't realized he had tensed. He thought of almost nothing but getting off planet. He couldn't imagine being stuck at Riverside for another year. And Sam would have had to stay as well. "Well it's all over now. We're starting new Jimmy. It's...it's exciting." Sam looked happy, relaxed. It was odd to see him so comfortable. Jim didn't know how he'd get to be like that. He hoped he did. "Don't call me Jimmy anymore, 'K?" Sam looked puzzled at that but shrugged.

He was a nervous wreck when Tevik arrived, Balev and T'Vala behind him. They greeted Winona and unknown to Jim she had invited them over for dinner. Jim sat quietly eating his vegetable lasagna and tossed salad as T'Vala asked Winona about her career, they seemed friendly and Jim knew, this was not the first time the Vulcans have been over for dinner. He missed a lot over the summer. Jim observed his mom, she looked much more relaxed as well. It was as if Frank had weighed her down, he never knew much about their relationship. She was away a lot and Jim never really talked to her while she was here. He didn't know if she had genuine feelings for Frank, or if he was really just a babysitter for them. Maybe it wasn't Frank, maybe she was more relaxed because they were all leaving and she didn't need to come back here either.

He looked up feeling eyes on him and glanced at Balev. His black eyes were cool and Jim couldn't help but feel smaller. He looked down, taking a large bite of his salad. "Jim? What courses have you chosen for the upcoming term?" Jim stilled, the table going somewhat silent. He swallowed and said silently, "The first term is mostly engineering, I have three classes in it. Logistics and physics in the afternoon. I'm taking a philosophy course for an art course since I can't draw or anything. And I have two martial arts courses, one right in the morning and one for last period." Tevik frowned and said, "The maximum course one can take at the school is five, yet you are taking eight. You have been approved for such course work." Jim nodded, he had taken no less than fifteen tests while at the centre. Tevik continued, "You should be aware that the requirement will be much higher in participation and homework then what you are used to here."

Jim straightened and said calmly, "I am aware Tevik. It's what I'm looking forward to. Having more to concentrate on will be good for me. I'm not going to endanger you or Sam's place there. I swear." Tevik arched a brow, his eyes softening slightly. "I was not implying you would do anything of the sort, James. I believe you capable of achieving remarkable progress if you work at it." Nothing could have been better than to hears those words. Jim felt himself smile slightly and he nodded feeling once more a small little bit of hope. He pushed it down, not wanting to jinx it.

That night all three boys slept in the living room. Since they had fought over which bedroom Tevik would stay in and Tevik replied that he only need light mediation anyway, they had agreed the living room was the best option. Winona had stayed up later than usual, watching the holovid quietly. Tevik sat straight on a mat he had brought, he looked relaxed, or as relaxed as a Vulcan could. Sam snored lightly, tossing and turning. He wasn't used to not having a bed. Jim now used to the thin pallet he had slept on for three months could have gone to sleep quite easily. The soft sound of the holo reminded him of the boys whispering. Tom and Kyle mostly. But his mother was up, and he had a habit of staying awake now, when people were so alert.

"Jimmy, sweetheart, you should go to bed." Her whispering had him turning his head to look at her. She looked tired but there was also a hint of longing. He didn't know what for, but he knew the expression, it was the same as when she looked up at the stars only less sad and more worrisome. "I'm not tired." She gave him a small smile and got up. Slowly he sat up, seeing the light on in the kitchen he hesitated. He still hadn't gone in since the day he crashed the car. He took a deep breath, glanced at Tevik and Sam and followed his mom.

She was standing by old fashioned conduction stove top. A pot was simmering. Hot chocolate, he saw. "A few more seconds and..." She poured the hot milk into two small glasses. "When I was in college, your dad would always make hot chocolate. It was his coffee. Hot chocolate study break, hot chocolate to stay up studying, or right before bed. He gave it to people when they were depressed or anxious. I loved he had little stuff like that. He had gotten it from his mom, you know. I never had family like that. We were never really close." She looked up at him as he focused on his cup, taking a careful sip. After all these months of only eating small portioned meals, all nutritious even if horrid, the sweetness stung him. It was powerful and he put his cup back down.

Throughout the conversation half his concentration was on measuring the distance. He was two feet away. Two feet. He wondered if a blue light would show the blood hidden away or if Sammy had done such a good job that it had truly disappeared from the world, only existing in his and Frank's memory now. Winona sighed and Jim looked up. That sigh had conveyed so much sadness that he couldn't help but tense. She starred at him but it was different, she wasn't looking at his father this time, not completely, she saw him. Perhaps for the first time.

"I never knew Jim. You should have told me. What Frank did was horrible and utterly wrong. You have to know that. I thought...I thought it was my fault and a lot of is. But I couldn't talk to you. I still can't understand you or connect. You'd move away from me, you're still moving away from me and I don't know how to get you back." Tears were pouring down her face slowly and she didn't try to hide them like had always before. Jim felt awful but he didn't know what to say. He never did. Finally, she wiped a hand over her face and sniffed, taking a long drink of her hot chocolate.

When she looked back at him, she slowly drew her hand across his face, tenderly caressing his hair. "You're my baby boy Jim. You have to know I love you. I love you and your brother so much. I only ever wanted you to be safe. It's why I didn't take you with me. Your dad died, Sammy almost died when he was three. The attack on the Triton was horrible and throughout it all, I could only think of my two babies on board. Then you got into the labs and I almost lost you, when I was supposed to be the one looking after those experiments." Jim was surprised, he never knew his mother was in charge of them, though looking back on it, he had stolen her access card. She shook her head and sighed again. She stepped forward and he froze again as she hugged him. Her head resting on his shoulder.

He didn't know what to do so he carefully, eyes flickering two feet away at nothing, held on to her. He wished his dad was alive, wished his mom had a different passion, wished he had spent the last eleven years in space. Instead, he said the only thing he could. "I promise I'll try to talk to you when Sam comms you." She laughed, but it was a sad, desperate laugh. She nodded, slowly releasing him.

When he laid back down on his blankets in the living room, his mom's footsteps upstairs creaking the old wood floors, his anger came back slowly, simmering. He didn't forgive her. Maybe with time, he told himself, maybe they could be like normal mothers and sons. He could say he hated her and didn't mean it. Maybe one day he'd even need her. But what saddened him most was what had made her hug him, what had made her see him. They both knew, he no longer needed her.

And even if he did, he'd never let her.

-BREAK-

The shuttle was amazing. Small, uncomfortable, and full of annoying strangers but amazing. Sam, Tevik and him all sat together with Winona opposite them, speaking to another science officer headed for the colony. Sam gave a gasp and Jim and Tevik leaned out to look out the window. It was beautiful. The small silver ship, arrow pointed and fast. The Gideon. It would take him away from the past. It would give him a real future.

They spent eight days on The Gideon. It was smaller than flag ships. Though science was obviously it's second component other than routing around passengers. They had no less than four different labs. His mom and even Sam were loving it, asking for detailed tours. While part of Jim found it equally nice, he spent most of his time on his PADD trying to make a code for his security for his dorm and even his own PADD. Firewalls could be broken and he didn't want any administers seeing, well, anything.

"Jim," Tevik called him. They were sitting in the small observation room, they had finished a game of Geth'le'va. A Vulcan version of extreme chess combined with a Vulcan type of checkers that even after five months, Jim was still losing within two minutes. Sam was in the science corridors with Winona. Jim looked up, stopping again to admire Tevik's silhouette outlined by the observation window. He never met someone who could transfix him like Tevik did without even trying.

He stood next to the taller boy. "This is it." Jim's breath caught. The planet was beautiful, if small. It had to have been half of Earth or maybe it just appeared that way. It didn't look brightly jewelled like Earth but a pale green and gold with only hints of soft blue. Almost shinning. "It's beautiful." Tevik glanced at him and nodded, "It does appear to be ascetically pleasing." Jim smiled and couldn't help but say, "Tevik, you know we're friends right?"

He looked confused and tilted his head, "I know we are acquainted Jim, why do you state the obvious?" Again, Jim couldn't help but smile. He responded, "Because I want you to know, that you can be comfortable around me. Being around humans, our ways of speaking can rub off on people." Tevik raised a brow and Jim chuckled, "It's okay if you say _beautiful_, you know. Or the fact that you're _excited_ to start the new education program that you are going to _enjoy_ much more than the one on Riverside. I know you're Vulcan, but if you adapt to our ways of phrasing things, even if it's a mistake or whatever. Me, Sam, we think the world of you. You're...you're perfect...so just you..." Jim blushed, feeling hot and embarrassed, he couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth. "Just...we won't ever judge you for anything."

Tevik, he could have sworn, Tevik smiled. The edges of his mouth tilted just slightly and Jim stilled as slowly Tevik said, "I wish you to know that you can tell me anything. I...I want you to trust me enough to speak about matters of importance. You should have told me about your ordeals at home. My family and I could have helped. I observed something was wrong but I could not have known such incidences were occurring. In the future, you will come to me if something happens to you." Jim grinned and slowly nodded. "I will Tevik." Tevik nodded, his expression smoothing to one of Vulcan stoicism, then slowly, very slowly, he reached out and said, "I believe it is a human custom between friends to do this..." Jim couldn't believe it, at first he didn't know what the Vulcan was going to do and then before he knew a cool, soft hand, larger than his engulfed his.

The ship approached the golden planet slowly, now out of warp, Jim tried not to think and to calm his racing heart, he couldn't help but squeeze Tevik's hand slightly. Tevik didn't let go and together they stood, looking out the window, holding hands, silent.

Then, the Captain's voice echoed through the comm unit, "Alright folks, it's your Captain Richards and we are now ten minutes away from boarding at the dock. Any passengers on board please gather your things in your rooms and be prepared to deport in the transportation room. Everyone; welcome to Tarsus IV."


	5. Arcadia

**Feb. 7 2246-Jim 13, Sam turning 16 on July 18, Tevik birthday September 13**

This was not good. Jim knew it as they sat in front of the holovid. The familiar men before him, spoke; their words weighing heavily. "As you are aware of, the last four months have shown less rain than expected. The drought has now lasted more than one year, record breaking heat waves have not helped the situation. We are continuing our efforts to secure the success of the coming season. We need every citizen to be patient and calm. Your continued participation is essential for the coming months. More rations and restrictions will be implemented in the following days, thank you for cooperating."

"This is not looking good." Micheal grimaced as he leaned back in the chair and Jim sighed deeply. Tev and Sam were sitting next to him. The past year had been horrible for Tarsus. It was too hot, Tevik was actually comfortable during last winter, which showed just how hot it had been since Tarsus was supposed to have a climate similar to parts of Earth, with four distinct seasons separating the year that was slightly longer than Earth. Micheal glanced up at him and Jim shrugged saying, "We need to just lay low. All of us will be alright if we follow what the generals have to say." Saying that, Jim startled himself by how much had actually changed over the year and half that they had been living on Tarsus, especially for the comment to come from him. Mitchel sitting across from his brother Micheal Gary nodded, saying, "You're going to have to use sonic showers, you know. We have to save every ounce of water we can." Jim grimaced, he hated sonic showers, he never felt truly clean in them. Though, he never did feel truly clean most days.

Tevik's shoulders slouched slightly, giving away his own displeasure. Sam noticed too and asked, "What's wrong? You love sonic showers." "The experiment I was conducting in lab ten required the use of water. I shall have to postpone it until such a time as when the weather becomes more agreeable and our own needs are less substantial."

All four boys stayed silent for a few minutes. It was amazing how normal it was now, to Jim, to have such good friends. Mitchel and Micheal; identical twins; had transferred the same time as them from Italy. Their little sister Melanie Gary was currently with their parents back in Rome where she was waiting for her acceptance letter for next year. They all had classes together, Jim moving up several grades since attending, he happened to be the youngest by a year.

The silence was broken by the door to their lounge sliding open. Always oblivious to the rules, Jenna Riley strode in, her expression, as per usual, was concentrated and intense. "Did you hear the latest broadcast? I wonder how much they can restrict before the entire town revolts, or you know just leaves?" Jenna flopped down next to Mitchel who took a deep breath. They did not get along much, Jim smirked, they were too much alike. Mitchel swept a hand through his short black hair and gave Jenna a scornful look. "First off blondie, we would need actual shuttles to leave and in case you haven't noticed, Tarsus only has one approved month for space travel and it's six and a half months away. Secondly, the town will be safe, Jim just said it, we have to listen to the generals. They're great strategists, we've gone through the hottest winter people have recorded on this planet and no one's so much as complained more than a couple of grumbles. It'll be fine."

Jenna scolded at him, her arms crossed across her chest. "Will you ever stop calling me blondie? And my concerns are justified, I've done the math you know. Our resources are only capa-" "Jim help me out here." Mitchel cut her off making Jenna give him that look. He hated that look, everyone hated that look, it screamed murder. Jim always the one, for some reason, pushed in the middle, shrugged. He said nonchalantly, "I do hate the fact you call her blondie. It's wrong. Just wrong. Blondes are so much better than everyone else. We have so much more fun."

Jenna glanced over at him and both of them smiled, the tension disappearing instantly. They looked more like siblings than him and Sam. Over the past year and a half, Jim had gone through a small growth sprut, he knew he'd be over six foot within a few years now, he still felt growing pains every other day. His voice had broken over the past six (embarrassing) months. Thankfully, when it did crack everyone just ignored it and pretend it didn't happen. Sam had changed to, just a few years ago, he looked gangly with too broad shoulders; he had grown into himself now. Sam had even gained toned muscle thanks to Arcadia's training programs. He looked strong and, to Jim at least, grown up. He was even getting a shadow on his cheeks.

But they looked nothing alike. Jim was golden, with his eyes looking more brilliant blue every day, his hair was only just darkening from the white it had been all his life, now it was the colour of the wheat outside, with only highlights of white. Sam had darkened, his hair once light brown was now dark, his eyes looking less green and more brown. He tanned which Jim was jealous of, because in the weather they've been having, Jim burnt. But Jenna, Jenna looked just like him, they could have been twins, though fraternally of course. Both blonde, both had the exact blue eyes, both were pale and lean. Jenna was just like him, they both explored the countryside together, both bent rules and both had the same jump before thinking attitude. If he wasn't so tied up in Tevik, he might even think she was cute.

As it was, Tevik had glanced over him, to his hair specifically, "I do not see how one's genetic make-up of hair colour has anything to do with their superiority, or how much 'fun' they have." Jim snorted and everyone, even Mitchel smiled. "It just is Tev. Case in point, I'm a hell of a lot better than Sam and have way more fun." He grinned and Sam punched him in the arm. Hard. "Oww, I'm supposed to be your baby brother Sammy, and you treat me like this!" He put as much shock in his tone as possible. Sam just shook his head and got up, "C'mon guys we need to get moving." He gave a pointed look at Jenna and said, "You need to learn to stay out of the boys common rooms. You've been told off too many times for being in here with us."

Jenna sighed dramatically and then stood too, speaking, her tone was back to normal, not the usual murderous tone she used with Mitch, "Yeah, yeah. I know, but you guys never hangout in the public lounge and the girls are terrible here." They all started walking out of the room and Jim put an arm over her shoulder. "Nah, they aren't, you just don't like other girls in general." Jenna, smiling, pushed him friendly and Jim laughed.

Arcadia was a large campus. It stood north of the town, a closely constructed city of narrow streets with old and modern designs of houses. Jim always admired the view, the campus stood on a natural hill, it was the most important building on Tarsus. It employed almost forty percent of the colony, and held buildings all over the city, only some accessible by the professors, as Tarsus itself was a researching colony with dozens of scientists of varying fields.

Where they were located was on the East Wing, as was most of the student their ages. Their classes were spread throughout several buildings and now they made their way down one of the two main staircases, to the bottom floor and out into the gardens. Or, what would have been gardens, the botanists of the school had long since removed what plants they could save in their green houses and left the rest to go as brown as the rest of the grass.

"How's Kevin doing?" Jim couldn't help but ask as they made their way to their usual hangout. A courtyard that tended to be empty was shaded by several trees, their leaves brown, the circular benches were, as usual, empty. Another experiment, Jim deduced looking at the light grass colour at the base of them. They were seeing if Adorian plants could make a difference in the soil. Made sense, everyone knew their flora was the most resistant. They had underground trees on an ice planet, surely with the gene splicing General Kodos favoured, they could make it happen for a more warmer planet. They sat down under the shade on the benches, Tevik took the first seat, the only one in direct sunlight. He tilted his face to the sun.

"Kevin's doing really good. Missing dad though. I swear I was not that whinny when I was seven." Jim snorted, half his attention still on the trees. "You're dad never left for an entire year to research a new culture. It's hard for kids to...you know...let go of a parent." He blinked when fingers snapped right in front of him. He looked to see Jenna scolding and Sam looking amused and slightly confused. "Why don't you enlighten us on what your thinking about. I don't like people only paying half attention to me, and trying to give me advice at the same time." Jim looked up at the trees.

He opened his mouth to say that professor Harren might have gotten the splicing right on the Adorian trees finally. He shut it though, shook his head and said, "It's nothing. I've got like five paper's due in two days and Kodos wants to lecture me again on Tellarite. I swear I've learned more in the past month that I have in all my schooling on Earth." Tevik frowned but didn't try to correct him. Jim smiled at him and Tevik nodded slightly.

"What's it like? Working with the General? No one's really seen him, he's always so busy in his offices. He practically never leaves, and he always has his second in command deliver messages. I mean he only selects the best of the best. He can open up so many opportunities for you in your future, you can probably have your pick on where you want to work." Mitchel said, his eyes glazing over by the end, thinking of all the possibilities. Mitchel wasn't a genius, he was perfectly smart, he just had trouble sometimes thinking five steps ahead of someone, which is what all the professors here liked. Tevik was currently working with him on chess to help him learn to strategize better.

Jim felt his lips press together and purposely tried to relax his face. He hadn't told them yet but he had declined the Alpha group invitation. He had met Kodos, had classes with him for the past month with seven other kids, including Tevik. There was just something about the man, he looked friendly, he was helpful and encouraging and patient. He just reminded Jim of Frank for some unknown reason, his stomach always tightened when he came near. Maybe it was because he was the first older man to give a crap about him since forever. Whatever it was, it had been a hard decision. The Alpha group didn't really have more privileges, as in; less homework, or more rations. In fact, they had more homework and they slept less and even ate less because they were so busy. It was the fact they had real projects, real responsibility. Those twenty-three kids on campus from the ages of fifteen to eighteen had access to some of the most restricted labs. They had careers waiting for them after the end of their education, most if not all will graduate a year or two early. Jim would have been the youngest member.

Tevik had been offered the same initiation as did the other three Vulcans before him. It had led, three nights ago, to one of their only arguments in a very Vulcan way of arguing. He had only gotten the Vulcan to relent when he mentioned the amount of work that would pile up combined with his current projects, which would not allow them any social interactions. As it were, they only had this hour and a half a day. Tevik after three hours had nodded, looking reluctant but resigned. Jim didn't mention how relieved he was by that. He didn't want Tevik anywhere close to Kodos either.

"I think with Kodos, you sort of have to be careful." That got everyone's attention. Micheal frowned and asked, "What do you mean?" Jim and Tevik shared a glance but Jim shrugged, "I mean, he runs this colony and I get the fact he wants to make a good impression on the Federation. It is a new colony after all, only seventeen years old but it was highly prized for decades before that. Kodos pretty much has to prove himself with how good we all turn out. I just..." He hesitated seeing their confusing and Sam's disbelieving expression. "I just think he's from MACO. He's an actual general, he's fought space battles with Romulan's and Klingon's. It'd be good not to get on his bad side."

Sam was already shaking his head at him and said, "Jimmy, you know what your problem is, has always been actually?" Jim clenched his jaw. He hated Jimmy and Sam knew that. He sighed as Sam continued, "It's the fact you don't trust anyone. Kodos has been running this place for years and he's doing a damn good job of it so far. Now this drought is worrisome, we all know that." Everyone did they all nodded. "Now the shuttles will arrive after the summer, if we all feel like we have to go, we will. Besides, your mom will take us all in, right guys?" The twins grinned in response, it still confused Jim when they did that, who was who. They loved confusing everyone on it, even wearing the same clothes like today. "Besides, let's really take it apart." Sam paused and everyone gave him their full attention. Jim wished he had that kind of power in talking. Everyone sort of followed Sam. He was a truly good person, unlike Jim who always felt anger and true to Sam's word, distrust. Sam was always more level headed than him. "If it gets to the point of being bad, Kodos has a comm system directly connecting to Star Fleet. If we really have to get more resources Star Fleet will be here within two weeks."

Sam looked so certain that even Jim felt foolish at what he had thought. Of course a leader wouldn't let any true harm happen to their colony. No one had died, those that had suffered from heat stroke had gotten medical care immediately, people had water, enough to drink, enough to eat. Sure it wasn't a lot and they had to save it, but it was there. And Sam was right, even if he didn't trust Kodos, Star Fleet couldn't let anything happen to them. He ignored the little voice protesting in his head. He needed to start trusting again.

They broke up and each went their separate ways. Jim went to Lab Three. He sighed in contentment. Labs one through eight were computer programming and engineering, anything from star ship workings to programming security systems or even design and mathematics. Labs nine through eighteen were chemical and biological, this includes botany, medical, language arts and genetic splicing, and everything in between. Labs Twenty to Thirty-Four were off limits to everyone, even the Alpha group. All students had to take a variety of courses, and at least three to four lab works.

Jim and his friends were all on the advanced level. It meant instead of five classes, they had seven to eight, Sam had been bumped up within his first week. Only Tevik had more classes than anyone else, as was now routine for Vulcans here, he had thirteen and since he required less sleep and there was a Vulcan family of professors residing in the town, some of his classes were well past midnight.

Jim glanced at the wires and computer chips and piles of broken pieces on his table. Alex who sat beside him was murmuring to himself, striping some wire and connecting them to what looked like three consoles concentrated into one. Jim sat down at his side of the table frowning. "So...Al...what are up to?" Alex Sansmore, was one of the students to be initiated yesterday into the Alpha group. "It's private." Jim tried not to take offence and shrugged pulling out his PADD.

Jim instinctively straightened his spine as his favourite Professor walked in. He was one of three Vulcans that had previously graduated here, and one of the three who were tutoring Tevik. Professor Sivath was always right on time, almost always fair (depending on which student you asked) and always demanding. Quietly, he set up his screen and without further ado he started speaking about the diagrams on the view screen.

For the next hour, Jim spent half his time jotting down notes and the other half raising his hand. He was the only student to do so and it had long ago been accepted that he would. Sivath would usually state that no questions were permitted during some lectures at the beginning but otherwise all were welcome. At the end, he felt like he had a headache and was most likely going to not sleep over the coming weekend. He didn't know how some of the lessons were even Star Fleet approved because it was so advanced, even with his eidetic memory and swiftness to catch on, he couldn't keep up at times. Sivath was waiting for him by the desk, his back straight, his expression stoic but Jim could sense he was waiting for him.

It was their usual routine and Vulcans loved routine. "Sir, if it won't be a inconvenience for you I would like to ask you a few questions on the formulas for the antimatter?" Jim phrased the question as he every time after class. And as usual Sivath noticeably relaxed, Jim was becoming used to seeing such gestures by now. Sivath was a lot older than most of the Vulcans here, and a lot more comfortable with body language, though his face was always expressionless.

Sivath leaned against the desk and replied, "It is of no inconvenience to me Mr. Kirk. What do you wish to ask?" He spent the next fifteen minutes explaining to Jim the exact way of structuring such equations, going over diagrams and theories until Jim found himself understanding it better. Slightly better. He loved this school so much.

"Thank you sir, I better get going now." Sivath spoke and Jim startled at his words, "No Mr. Kirk. You must come with me. General Kodos is wanting to speak to you privately." With that Professor Sivath walked out of the classroom and Jim had to run to catch up. His heart pounded, going over everything that might get him in trouble.

Jenna and him had gone out after hours and explored the sad, brown fields together, something that wasn't permitted with students. Mitchel and him had been studying the computer codes for security locks on the labs intending to break into one within the next couple of months. Just because they were curious. He breathed deeply trying to calm his nerves while his mind betrayed him with a few more reasons why Kodos could throw him out of the school. His fingers nervously swiped over his crescent scars on his palms. A habit that he knew about and tried to stop. His hands shook.

They walked out into the courtyard on the South side and headed right for Kodos' private offices. People speculated that he had underground tunnels running across the town. Jim thought, the man might not come out because he knew how much the people would shout. Jim would hate for everyone to be asking questions about the drought, about food, about everything all at once. Jim would stay inside too, after all, Kodos probably didn't know more about it than they did. Hell, he wasn't even the main scientists.

Jim looked up, starring into the late afternoon sky. He stumbled and caught his breath. It couldn't be... but it was. Jim felt his heart leap and a grin formed before he could stop it. There on the edge of the horizon, were clouds. And not the frilly, airy clouds that quickly disappeared, theses ones were large, thick and...yes! They were grey! Before he could do something stupid like start laughing, he was led inside, passing through two old fashioned swing doors. They were thick, made out of native wood, that were heavier than Earth woods.

The entrance was airy, with stone walls and floors that Jim knew was mined just north in the hills. Sivath led him down a hallway to the left and then up a staircase. The upper floor was just as wide, what no one knew from the outside was that the ceiling was long skylight. He looked up seeing blue swirl with white. The clouds were moving faster, the wind had finally picked up. Inside the hall Jim felt a nice breeze, he sighed happily feeling cool for the first time in months. He tried to glance into rooms on either side of him but the doors were opaque glass and all he saw was shadows. Most of the restricted labs were in this building, he couldn't help but be curious. It was these labs that made the colony so restricted, why they only allowed space travel once a month. Kodos didn't want Star Fleet to interfere with their work here, though he did, rumour had it, make twice as many reports for them. Mitchel was going to be so jealous that Jim got to see it all.

They were just turning left when his eyes caught a door to the right of a hallway, it was the only one with a label on the door. A figure eight sideways. Jim frowned trying to figure out what infinity might mean. Kodos' private rooms were vast, Jim had never been so far into the building, before when he and Tevik had been invited, they had stood only in the room off the entrance way. Sivath stopped and knocked on the door in the middle of the fifth hallway.

"Enter." Jim felt his heart start up again and had no time to compose himself before he found himself in Kodos' private study. He blinked, taking it all in. The floors were carpeted in Earth rugs, the walls held bookshelves of real books, an old-fashioned wood desk took up most of the centre of the room. Couches and cushioned chairs were placed around the room, as if someone just dropped them there uncaring. All manners of surfaces were covered in books, PADDS, and the table held real paper.

Kodos sat at the table and looked up from the microscope in front of him. In his hand was a real pen. Jim closed his mouth, only then realizing he was gaping and stepped cautiously forward. He couldn't even imagine where the general would have gotten paper and what looked like a twentieth century fountain pen. Kodos smiled, his beard neatly trimmed. "Do sit down James," he motioned to the chair on the opposite side of him.

Jim sat, his eyes skimming over the organized chaos in front of him. A screen, was set into the desk underneath all the papers. It was on, numbers and codes he didn't understand flashing across it. This was Kodos' personal PADD he realized, at least one of them, he supposed. Jim looked up at Kodos and saw the man was still smiling. When he did, Jim was always started at how young he looked. Kodos couldn't have been older than thirty five, maybe closer to forty. But there was no grey in his hair, his face was barely even lined, only the slightest wrinkles near his eyes. They were hardly noticeable. But Kodos was a tall man, broad and fit, and looked like a vengeful grizzly bear. Even if he was nice. He reminded Jim too much of Frank.

"You wanted to see me sir?" Jim prided himself on his level voice. Kodos' eyes, a colour between green and grey narrowed just slightly, not in anger, but Jim couldn't help but feel the other man was seeing him inside and out. Jim didn't like it, at all. It was one of the reasons he didn't like the man, regardless of how much he wanted to.

"I keep a close watch on our school. It's one of the best as you know. We get thousands of applications a year, even with this awful drought happening, it's only reduced by eight percent. But with the rigorous training, the expectations can be alarming. We push you all so very hard, it's why we allow you to have two weeks off every two months along with the use of all our councillors. You need it. We only invite the best into our Alpha group, those that can handle stress, those that show responsibility; those that thrive under such extreme pressure. You're the first student to turn down our group, James."

Kodos frowned just slightly and continued, "Your brother is quite good himself. I thought about him after his last test scores but he doesn't exactly have your sense of drive." Kodos looked away from him, out to the window. It was the opposite side of where Jim noted the clouds, the view was nothing but gold, brown and blue sky, bright and stifling hot. Kodos looked back at him and Jim had a feeling, the man was extremely thoughtful but he didn't know where this conversation was going.

"You applied yourself very well to your design course. I know you didn't like it, your professors told me you disturb your classrooms when you are forced to work on projects that hold no interest to you." Jim flushed remembering three of those professors throwing him out. "Yet you accomplished the homework, testing and even went on to do a group project in that class. You scored one of the highest marks. That is something that I admire; that you are capable to apply yourself completely even if you have no desire, at all, to do it." Jim looked up and couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride, after he got over the initial frustration, he had applied himself more so than any other class. "The world is full of things that are necessary and yet you do not wish to do them. They are hard, a person must muddle through them, slowly and painfully and yet when you come out, you are lighter, better. And you have learned from the experience. That is the most important thing. To learn from it.

"James, you have a drive in you that I have not seen in a human student for quite some time. You strive to be the best at everything you do, not just your own studies. I've seen you challenge a Vulcan to computer programming." Kodos smiled and asked, "How did that go by the way?" Jim smiled and said, "T'Nes beat me by six point three seconds." Kodos laughed and Jim's smile widened. "You really don't know when to give up. Another quality I admire. I have it as well. Let me guess, a rematch is already stated." Jim shrugged his smile turning mischief. Kodos nodded knowingly and said, "I called you here today because I want you to reconsider your position. A young man such as yourself, I imagine turning down the Alpha group must have been a hard decision. I want you to have everything that this school could offer you and we can offer much more than what your getting now."

Jim couldn't help but take a deep breath. His classes were already amazing. He loved them all, even when, indeed, he hated them. Then Kodos said what Jim feared he would, "With the Alpha group, James, you can focus on an area of study. You can take three fields, as it is the minimum. Engineering, I know is your gift, but you also enjoy your language classes, you may choose any other field of study. By the time you graduate in just..." Kodos tilted his head looking at him insightful, said, "perhaps only the next year or two, you can go into the work force immediately. There would be a number of options open to you."

Jim nodded, his eyes unfocussed. He could do it, he could see himself doing it. Engineering, language, security or advanced marital arts. A nice course to get him outside every now and then, it would tune up his body like Sam. Maybe then he'd finally gain more muscle, as it was, he was too lean. His heart racing, Jim could feel the 'yes' on his tongue. Then he focused and saw Kodos in front of him. He couldn't help it, his stomach went right into knots. Accepting meant spending almost everyday in his presence. Jim sighed and knew he couldn't do it. He heard Sam's voice in his head, telling him to trust, and cringed, maybe he should start talking to a councillor. He was the only one in school that didn't, he knew Kodos knew that. Even Sam went to see one when he broke down last year with all the homework around the same time they got the news that Aunt Kara died. Jim had locked himself inside his room for the weekend, He didn't eat, sleep or talk to Sam. He tried his best not to think of her. He should think about seeing someone. Maybe.

"I'm sorry General Kodos. I...I just can't do that. My decision is final." Kodos raised his head just slightly and then slowly nodded, looking solemn. "Very well James. I am so sorry for that. Truly. You are one of the brightest students I have had at this school, you have an extraordinary future ahead you. You may leave now. Sivath will show you out."

-Break-

Jim went over Kodos' words the rest of the day. He laid in bed that night going over it in his head. No adult had really taken that much interest in him for a long time. He felt happy, prideful but shook himself, he shouldn't need anyone's opinion. He was great at school, he knew that and that should be enough. But he heard, 'you have an extraordinary future ahead of you,' again and he sighed, sitting up.

He tried to think of something else and of course his mind betrayed him by going to Tevik. Again. Over the past couple of months, it seemed, the Vulcan was always just underneath everything else. Jim had long ago memorized everything about the boy. He could recall Tevik as easy as looking in the mirror. He knew that Tevik would be leaving soon. His parents had wanted him to return home last fall, Tevik had been quiet for weeks then. Finally, he had told them about the tradition of betrothals between children. Tevik had been bonded to one of his friends in expectation to marry her later on. Only, she passed away that summer and his parents wanted him to come home and choose another bride. Both Sam and him had frowned and he knew without having to glance at Sam that both of them were horribly relieved that Tevik wouldn't marry some unknown Vulcan girl. Tevik had even gone against his parents, stating that he had courses that even the Vulcan Science Academy had grudgingly approved though were (for Vulcans) disorganized.

In private though, Tevik had told them, "I do not wish to leave just yet. My... friends are here. I do not enjoy the thought of leaving." Jim couldn't help it but he hugged him for a second time that day. A Vulcan coming out and saying he didn't enjoy something was a huge step, calling them friends was even larger. That summer also bonded them more deeply, both experiencing death at the same time, to different extents.

Jim sighed once more, got up and opened his door. Looking down the dark corridor he made his way quietly and stealthily down the corridor and up a flight of stairs. The air was heavy, full of energy and he shivered. Tevik's room was the third door to the right and before he could lose his nerve he knocked. His heart raced and he felt like bolting. Before he could the doors slid open. Frowning, Tevik looked confused, "Jim, what are you doing here?" Jim shook himself, Tevik stood before him in his dark red Vulcan robe and it did nothing for his imagination.

"Hi." He said stupidly.

Cursing himself inwardly, he nervously stepped forward and Tevik moved aside, wordlessly letting him in. "You should be asleep right now. Humans require at least six point five hours of sleep to be at maximum efficiency." Jim smiled, silently trying to figure out when he had actually slept full a straight six hours, and glanced about the familiar room. He had never been inside past sunset. Candles burned on the altar to the right, a mat was laid out in front of it. The air was full of spicy incense and Jim couldn't help but see everything as intimate and slightly romantic.

"I'm sorry I interrupted your mediation. I just..." Jim tried to remember what he had actually come here for as he faced Tevik in the middle of the room, he slowly asked, "Are you leaving for Vulcan at the end of Vindi?" Tevik opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. Slowly, Tev nodded and said, "I can no longer decline my family's wishes." "So you're going to get engaged right away?" Jim couldn't stop the little bit of frustration and sulkiness in his tone. He winced but Tevik ignored it and looked out the window.

The sky was dark, the little light coming from the town looking like stars scattered about. "I am. Jim, there are Vulcan practises of which are not open to outsiders but I will tell you this," Tevik looked at him, his face intense. It struck Jim once again, just how beautiful Tevik was. The shadows played across his face so wonderfully. His eyes were dark pools that bore into him, stepping closer, Tevik's voice was low as he said, "Your friendship has meant very much to me. You are indeed the most confusing human I have met, and I do not wish to calculate the odds of ever meeting one as your like in the future, I can only say I find it highly unlikely. I wish to convey my absolute respect to you, James Tiberius Kirk."

Jim sucked in a sharp breath and reacted without thinking. He stood up on his toes, lightly clasped Tevik's face and brought their lips together. Tevik froze but Jim expected this. He felt his heart pounding, felt nervous beyond relief, but he wanted Tevik to know what he felt. So he tried in someway to convey how much he respected, admired and, yes, even loved him. Tevik's hands came up to rest on his shoulders and Jim started to relax, pulling back slightly. The kiss had been chaste, brief and Jim hoped had been somewhat okay. The coolness of Tevik's lips were lingering on his and Jim had the irrational thought of not wanting it to stop.

Tevik's eyes slowly opened and they were darker then usual but then he blinked and slowly his hands left Jim's shoulders to rest at his sides. Jim stepped back, fearful now. Tevik nodded and Jim let out a breath. "James, I have to let you know we cannot enter a relationsh-" "I know." Jim cut him off not wanting to hear it. He did know. Tevik would be getting engaged and entering the Vulcan Science Academy. It still hurt, badly, he didn't know how much he had been hoping he'd...what? Hoping that Tevik would leave it all for him? Would be persuaded by one little kiss? He felt ten times more stupid now.

But Tevik did not look angry or upset, at all, but thoughtful and slightly sad. It was the most open he'd seen him in awhile. "I am sorry Jim. You will make a great mate to someone." Jim snorted and all the tension left the room. "Thank you." Jim couldn't help but say and it meant more than that. He was grateful for Tevik, he changed him, gave him hope, happiness, a centre to hold onto when everything else had fallen away. He was grateful, even if, all it ever would be, was this.

He left feeling both heavy and light. It was an odd combination. He felt like his heart was squeezing painfully, he didn't think he'd be able to look at Tevik for awhile, but he was, certainly, glad he told Tevik before it was too late. He found himself sitting on the cold staircase, alone and quietly crying. Jim hadn't know how much he had come to feel about him and it didn't matter.

None of his feelings mattered.

Unbeknownst to Jim, it had started raining outside.


	6. To the Depths of Hell

It rained for eighteen days. Jim was pretty sure more then twenty illegal parties happened, people were outside all the time, children danced and everyone was smiling and nice. The drought had ended. The weather wasn't overly hot either, but a nice warm day, more natural to spring. Sam flopped down beside him on the window seat and looked out. "Well, I can get used to seeing clouds everyday, what about you?" The past couple of days Sam had been in an even better mood than most of everyone else. "They're not too bad," Jim replied. Sam smiled and him.

They had somehow come to a truce and Jim was grateful. He was still upset about Tevik, so he didn't have much energy to fight anyone. As it was, they were all on their two week vacation and everyone was relaxed. Jim looked up as Jenna came into the library. She frowned when she saw him, marched up and took the book of poetry out of his lap. "It's vacation and you spend it reading? C'mon, you two, we are going out on the town." Both him and Sam snorted but she gave them that look and they both stood. Jim tried to get his book back, claiming it was his lazy reading, but she didn't let him. He sighed. He really liked his Vulcan poetry book.

They ended up meeting the rest of the gang at the entrance. Mitch gave Jenna his usual glare but smiled at Jim and said, "We're going to go see how the fields are doing. You in?" Before Jim could confirm a voice spoke behind them on the stairs. "You are aware that the fields are off limits to students?" Tevik looking perfect and put to together strode forward. Jim had been avoiding him, easy to do with their schedules, and he swallowed looking away quickly.

Micheal frowned and said, "No worries Tev. We won't tell if you don't." Jim's heart skipped a beat as he saw the fraction movement of Tevik's lips twitch. "I shall have to accompany you to make sure you do not disrupt the growing vegetation." Jenna laughed and everyone smiled, "You do that, c'mon."

It stunned Jim, the sight of patches of light green showing up. The grass was the first to recover, but the native trees were still bare. He wondered if he'd see stalks shooting up yet. It'd been almost three weeks now, surely they made some progress? He remembered coming out here with Jenna, how there had been only a small patch of edible plants, and they had been dry and about to blow to ash. Jenna glanced at him and he knew they were thinking the same thing.

"How's your mom doing?" Micheal asked. Jim, not knowing the answer, let Sam do it. "She's good, apparently she might make Chief Science Officer next month. She's really excited about it." Mitch frowned and asked, "Shouldn't she have already been promoted to that?" Jim nodded, "She was offered a couple times before but declined. Too much time away from home, her missions would have gotten longer." "Well that's good," Micheal said innocently, "at least you got to see her." Jim felt his resentment rise but stayed silent, he even managed a stiff nod.

They made their way carefully through the narrow streets, Jim loved the fact that there were no hover-cars here, everything was in walking distance. It made everything much more peaceful. Walking by Jenna's mom's home she tried hiding behind Micheal. "If Kevin sees me, he going to want to come with us and he has another infection." Jim frowned, since him and Jenna hangout most often, he had gotten to know little Kevin. Truthfully, he loved the little kid. He reminded Jim of an even more innocent version of Sam. The little guy looked nothing like Jenna and their dad, instead he was all their mom with brown hair and odd amber eyes. He was also the darling of the family, always happy and excited. He made Jim feel protective.

Jim connected with him with the fact they both were affected by Lannect Syndrome. Jim had never known how lucky he was to get a mild strand. The doctors of that star ship had been incredible and he never did think about them. But Kevin hadn't been so lucky. He had gotten care but he was now forever plagued by infections, lung, ear, throat, anywhere a person could get one. It had been bad during the hot weather, now he was just getting over a chest infection. "He's alright though, right?" Jim asked once they turned a corner. Jenna stood right and looked over her shoulder, "Oh yeah. He's fine, still running around the house. Dad cheered him up, said he'd bring us artifact each from the colony." Jenna rolled her eyes but Jim smiled. He knew she was just as excited to see her dad as much as her younger brother.

As they made their way closer to the fields they could see the guards stationed about. It had been easy with just two of them, but now they were a group. He could see the focus come on all of them, the eyes of his friends sharpening. He remembered his instructor from his martial arts class, from theoretical logistics. He grinned seeing the game in it and turned to the group, they all crouched catching on to his mischief. Not even Tevik tried to stop him. "Kay, see we just want to look, no one touches anything or tramples anything." Tevik nodded thanking and agreeing with him silently. "So Micheal and Mitch you two are going to to the south field." Jim looked around, they were shielded by the houses on either side of them and a short stone fence. They were to the south of the town, the fields to the east. "Sam and Tevik you're going to go to the north. Now there are three obstacles, the guards are priority, the workers themselves are out and most won't be too bad but there are three of them that'll go right to the professors and complain. And lastly, the fact that you'll have no cover, especially you two," he pointed to Micheal and Mitch who were the broadest and taller than everyone else. "So, Jenna and I are going to distract four different guards at key points. You'll have...oh...five minutes, probably, not much more."

Jenna nodded smiling at him, heart beating in excitement they broke up. Jim took a deep breath counted until he knew everyone was in position and calmly walked up to the guards.

Five minutes later exactly, he was cursing, rubbing the sore spot on his head where the guard had slapped him, telling him to piss off and stop wasting his time. Jenna caught up with him in the marketplace looking a lot better than him. She grinned at him knowingly, seeing the bump that had to be forming. "A woman's charms must be the best gift for doing something bad. You're welcome." Jim laughed and saw the pairs coming back. Micheal looked happy so that must have been a good sign, Tevik looked thoughtful.

Sam clapped his hands when they all approached each other and he grinned, "Looks good, green and shooting up. Still be a few months before we have to give up the food processors, though."

Everyone was in a good mood going back. Jim even managed to look at Tevik and only feel a twinge of sadness. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad after all.

-BREAK-

Jim sat back in his chair trying not to look worried. He most likely failed. Everyone looked worried. Really worried. Jenna's mom held Kevin in her arms and he was the only one who looked confused. Everyone else looked slightly sick.

They had survived a bad drought. They had used food processors so much Jim was forgetting what real food tasted like. But some of the processors were breaking down, unable to fully charge them, the vast majority now needed ID from a fingerprint. And there wasn't much selection anymore. The food processors at school held fifteen items, the ones in people's homes (like Jenna's) held five. They had water now, they had enough saved that he could start taking short five minute showers now.

Now they were running out of food.

It wasn't the heat killing the plants now, not really, though it was still hot. A month onward from the sprouting that Jim and the gang had felt so hopeful for, now they dreaded a new enemy.

A blight.

The green that was surrounding the city in the last month was slowly turning back to brown but this brown held a twinge of silver grey in it. Jim didn't want the others to see how worried he was. He looked to Kevin who was, indeed, looking back at him.

"Is it bad?" He asked innocently. Mitch was about to tell him the truth. He could see it. Mitchel didn't believe in holding it back, he thought everyone deserved honesty, even when it was bad. Jim cut him off saying, "Of course not Kevin. Whatever happens, even if all the plants die, General Kodos has a backup plan. Don't worry about it."

Later, when Kevin was put to bed, Mitch spoke up. "Why'd you give him false hope like that? It's cruel." Jim glared at him, "Cruel? He's seven. It's not like something terrible is going to happen." If Jim said it often enough, he might believe it and if he did, the others would follow him. But he didn't believe it, he never did. And now they were following him.

"The colony's too big. With the fungus killing what plants we have left, hell, the greenhouses are becoming vulnerable. There's no way we have enough for every citizen." Jenna looked tired, though it was frowned upon from the school, she had opted to spend a few days sleeping here at home. Micheal spoke up, "The drought had those scientists confused and doing nothing. Surely they can come up with at least one freaking solution." Jim couldn't help but laugh harshly. Jenna's mom, sitting back down, was frowning at their conversation. She looked worn and skinny. Jim felt the need to comfort her but didn't know how.

"It is not as simple as you claim." Tevik said, calmly, his expressionless face was needed then. Everyone turned to him. "It is not as simple as finding a solution, it is implementing it. Just as we could not simply water the plants during the drought-" "Not that we had that much spare water," Jenna interrupted frustrated. Tevik ignored it and said, "We cannot simply just find a cure for the vegetation. It needs to be able to work effectively. The types of flora on this planet are unique, they react differently than all other known plant life. It is fascinating and curious. But since this colony is so new, we do not yet know what will react favourably or what might make this blight even worse. What we might think would be a solution might cut off all plant life within the region. Therefore, each experiment must be conducted in the security of the labs and, unfortunately, they need time to determine the success of ridding the blight from the flora. Then they must determine whether it is edible or as have been proven recently, if they no longer are fit for consumption."

Everyone sighed and looked down. They all knew this. Technically, a cure for the blight had come out two weeks ago, but it changed it DNA structures of the plants, not even the Vulcans who were known to adapt to different diets had been able to stomach it. So did they want to cure the blight but have zero food, or let it slowly rot, in the hopes of saving a little of it?

Jim thought about Star Fleet and said, "Look at it this way. If it does get to the point where we need to leave. Star Fleet will come." Jim surprised himself at the certainty in his tone. It was true, he realized, he actually did believe Star Fleet would help. They had too. All Kodos had to do was send out an SOS, and they'd launch here. Everyone relaxed slightly at those words. Jim remembered that screen set into the desk, with a few taps and help would be on the way

-BREAK-.

The days past quickly after that. More rations were placed, it continued to rain steadily but Jim no longer felt joyous about it. Some patches of grass remained unaffected by the blight, still bright green, and some weeds were steadily growing. Shoots of colour always shocked him, purple and green wild flowers blooming.

The blight got worse.

Jim realized it was _really_ bad when they sat together in their courtyard. The tree that had months previously given green colour to the ground now sat, brown and dead, the grass underneath it more black than brown. Tevik spoke, his words quiet. "I would contact Star Fleet." Everyone looked at him from their PADDS. They had asked each other the same question for a couple of days. What would you do... No one had said that yet; Tevik had stated all answers were illogical since they were not the leaders of the colony. Tevik swallowed his eyes focused on a single point on his PADD. Finally, someone broke the silence. Micheal, frowning, asked, "What?"

Tevik finally looked up to the sky, his shoulders were tense, he was reminding them it was back to being stifling hot. His eyes trained on them and said, "There have been seven cases of heat related incidences, worse than last year, due to the lack of nutrients to keep sickness away. The rations cannot get much lower without drastic consequences to your diets. The other species; the Vulcans and Harrvens have taken it upon ourselves to limit our intake of nutrition." Sam looked as shocked as Jim felt.

"You can't just stop eating!" Jim said shocked.

Tevik shook his head, "I do not require as much as a human. I may consume a meal once a week and be able function accordingly. As are the other Vulcans. The Harrvens have agreed to eat once every two weeks. As it stands, I believe this blight will get worse, and unfortunately, we do not have to time to spare for solutions. If I were leading this colony, I would contact Star Fleet now, even if it might impair my own success in my career." He spoke the last bit sharply and Jim nodded. Everyone knew Kodos wanted this colony to work, for him to be famous at Tarsus, for his name to be remembered as the best leader of this colony, someone who lead through even the most disastrous situations.

It was one of the best schools in the Federation, it had to be the best colony as well.

And it was starving them.

Jim glanced around then, really taking in the the brown, the heat. He looked around the table and saw what Tevik was seeing. They had all lost weight. He hadn't noticed so much, he himself had to tighten his pants more, his shirts a bit too big. But Frank had oddly enough prepared him. He never ate big meals, choosing to eat several small meals a day. He was able to ignore his hunger, only now feeling how hollow he felt. He swallowed, slightly shocked at his own ignorance. Sam's cheekbones were slightly more pronounced, Mitch and Micheal's broad shoulders and muscles that Jim envied were looking more gangly than ever before. Jenna, already usually skinny, had lost some of her lovely curves. It was slight with all of them, barely there, easily over looked.

He knew then, everyone in the colony had lost this. This was the start of something that could seriously worry even a Vulcan. Jim took a deep breath as Jenna asked, "What would Star Fleet do that's so different from what our renowned scientists couldn't?" Tevik looked surprised at the question and both of them answered at the same time. She looked to Tevik and back to him at the response. Everyone was quiet after it.

"Nothing," they said, Tevik glanced at him and Jim smiled unable to resist replying, "They would evacuate us."

Later that night, Jim wondered about the evacuation. Where would he and Sam go? Their mom, last time he bothered listening to Sam, was apparently on the other side of the galaxy, a month away. Maybe they'd be able to stay with Tevik until she picked them up. It'd be awesome to see Vulcan, but he was kinda sick of hot weather. Jim snorted to himself.

Just as he was drifting off the alarms sound. Jumping up, heart racing, Jim sighed making his body relax. Another drill. They hadn't had one in a couple months. He went to his closet, unlike the other kids, he didn't like going out in just his PJ's. Tiredly, he pulled on his shoes and stretched, taking his time. He entered his password on his PADD and grinned as several clicks happened and his door unlocked. He was getting better at programming, like Professor Sivath had told him. Always take a compliment from a Vulcan seriously, Jim thought.

Kids were pouring out into the corridors, making their way yawning and even more tired than Jim. Jim smiled when he saw Sam through the crowd, he nodded back to him. He happily noted, Sam was one of the few to change into proper clothes too. As was routine, they all left through the nearest entrance and in a few minutes he saw more students coming from the east exit. They all gathered around the front courtyard, professors and students alike. A usual routine.

Sam pushed his way forward apologizing repeatedly as he stepped on peoples bare toes. "So, are you thinking fire drill, or explosion in a lab?" Jim laughed and Tevik much more gracefully than Sam, approached them frowning, he replied, "As a fire of any sort in our school would have smoke signifying the incident I highly doubt it is either." Sam smiled and bantered back, "Chemical spill? An accident in the botany labs?" Jim sniggered and said, "A plant came to life and started strangling people." That earned him a bark from behind him. Turning Mitchel was laughing looking amused and confused, he asked, "What the hell are you three talking about?" Before they could reply Professor Sivath stood before them.

"I do apologize for interrupting your sleep." Jim frowned feeling apprehensive. It wasn't just the speech, Sivath was fully dressed, but different from his usual attire. He wore black, with sturdy boots and Jim was at an angle that he could see a comm system on his belt. He didn't know what it meant, it could have just been his weird mistrust cropping up, but his whole body tensed. "Something's wrong." His voice must have shown his fear because his group turned to him. He couldn't take his eyes off his favourite professor. The one that had given him his poetry book, who complimented him, who spent fifteen minutes every time after class, just for him.

Jim swallowed and started to back up. His left hand had somehow clasped Sam's shirt without him knowing and Sam was frowning at him, ready to complain. Slowly, Jim made them etch their way back through the crowd. His eyes were flickering everywhere, taking in face after face. The group wasn't as large as it was supposed to be, Jim guessed a hundred or so students were missing. All of the Alpha group among them. He heard Kodos' words in his ears.

'I'm so sorry.'

"As you are all aware of, this colony is on the edge of crisis. I want to say that your contribution to this school was enlightening to behold. You were all extremely talented and capable. As it stands though, this colony is now facing true starvation. We need to secure the survival of those who are more value to society. Therefore, as signed by Governor General Kodos of Tarsus VI, I have no alternative than to sentence you all to death."

Everyone had frozen not quite able to comprehend what was going on, what Professor Sivath had actually said. But Jim heard it and just like with Frank, he acted on autopilot, instinct, reaction. There was no thinking. His grip on Sam tightened and with a strength he didn't know he had, Jim pulled his brother behind him and bolted.

Jim didn't look back, Tevik was on the other side of Sam, Micheal and Mitch on Jim's right. Then, almost immediately, there were shouts as phaser fire blasted throughout the courtyard. It had been a perfect trap. They were boxed in on all but one side leading down to the city, where Sivath stood with twenty armed guards. The entrance back to the school had more guards coming out blocking people's escape.

Jim felt his heart pound but he knew where he was going. He roughly pushed screaming and panicked people out of his way, uncaring, his thoughts focused only on escaping. To the left, the wall that blocked them from the rough hill, was an opening that Kevin had accidentally found when he tumbled halfway down, laughing, almost giving him and Jenna a heart attack. Now, Jim fit perfectly through the small hole, and he wasn't laughing. Sam followed him, Mitch and Micheal next and Tevik bringing up the rear. He was about to run again when he saw Tevik had pulled the people he pushed to safety behind them.

He didn't have time to feel guilty about it, they were running, falling down the rocky and bare-tree thick hill. He now thanked every city planner responsible for the perfect place to put a school. They were on the edge of the city now, out of breath and thanking the school's program for the required exercise classes. They all jumped at the explosion that sounded in the south of the city. Jim could see the red flashes of phaser fire. They were killing everyone.

"Jesus Christ." "Fucking hell." Both twins didn't even look at each other as they cursed at the same time. And then Jim thought of Kevin and panic set in once more. Without thinking, he ran towards the fire lighting up the sky. It sickeningly reminded him of that long ago fire that he had once found beautiful.

"Jim!"

"Jimmy!"

"Don't go there!"

Jim even with shorter legs was outrunning his taller brother, panting and adrenaline pumping he shouted, "Jenna! Kevin! Mrs. Riley!" It was all he had breath for, all he could say to explain to them. He ran into an alleyway closer now to the centre of town.

It was chaos. People were screaming, trampling over others, shops were being destroyed, people were climbing over fences, each other, all trying to get away, to save their families and friends. Fires were spreading and Jim fell, crashing over something near Jenna's house. Bolting up quickly, he turned to see the face of a dead girl. She was no older than Kevin, bruised and battered, she didn't die from phasers. He took a deep breath, his eyes taking in all the panic. It was contagious, he felt it in himself rising up, overwhelming everything else. People were stepping over others, he saw one little boy accidentally get kicked in the head, others ran over him. Within minutes he was still. Jim came back to himself shaking, wanting to hold himself together, he couldn't afford to die from being trampled. He had to get to Jenna. He had to make sure Kevin was okay. He got to his feet, steady, counted to four, his fingers digging into his palms, the pain gave him something to centre on.

People were bumping into him and he stumbled as Sam knocked into him, racing around the corner behind him. Panting, he clung onto Jim's smaller frame. "Jimmy, goddammit, don't ever do that!" The rest of the gang, including three more students, quickly appeared around the corner. Micheal was the first to see the girl. He didn't say anything, but he paled noticeably. "Okay, this is just a lesson." Everyone turned to him and he felt like Sam. Sam who could hold the attention of a whole room just by calmly talking, not making a fuss. "This is just a lesson from school. We need to retrieve Jenna, Rachel and Kevin Riley. Their house is two blocks over. We get them and we head out into the hills. Kodos won't find us there. You got that."

Jim didn't know how he managed a tone so harsh and yet calmly firm. It got everyone's attention and everyone nodded, Sam's eyes were wide. "C'mon." Jim lead the way. People were running in all directions but a guard spotted them only a few doors away from Jenna's place. "Halt!" They ran, opposite of what Jim need to go but they had no other choice. Phaser fire blasted around them. Ducking into an alleyway Jim stopped, the others ahead of him in the middle of the alley. Sam looked back and practically yelled, "Jimmy! What the fu-" Before he could finish the guard found them and Jim took every lesson that Professor Jensen taught him. He kicked out at the guards knee before he could even righted himself. Striking out his hand griped the guard's wrist, twisting, only releasing when he heard a loud snap and a yell.

The guard fell to the ground, his broken leg giving out underneath him. Jim fury engulfing him, panic and terror raced through him, he kicked out at the guards diaphragm but knowing the vest the guard wore only protected so much, he kicked again on his face. Satisfied, hearing a crunch and more screams Jim bent down, taking the fallen phaser, the guard's knife and a small wrist flashlight. Lifting it, he hit the guard on the temple, until he crumpled, going limp. He was unconscious and Jim felt certain they wouldn't be identified to soon.

He turned to the frozen group and ordered, "Move!" They ran. When they did stop again it was only in horror. Bodies littered the ground, all ages. Kids, elderly, scientists and farmers alike. Jim felt nauseous and fought down the urge to vomit. But after several minutes of shock and looking at all the faces, Jim saw it to the right. He noticed familiar long hair. He felt his breath leave him as he approached. He didn't realize he had fallen to his knees until he started crawling to the body.

Blonde hair, a halo of white in the darkness was fanned out across another body. Jim felt tears weld up, the stinging waking him up. He finally realized the body was moving just slightly, unnoticeable unless someone was as close as Jim was. Jim felt breath slam into him painfully and he lunged forward. "Jenna, Jenna!" He shook her and she sprang up, her face dirty, tear tracks running down her cheeks. "Jim! Jim!" She couldn't say anything else but fiercely clung to him as if she couldn't let go. He didn't want to but his eyes lowered, Mrs Riley lay dead, her eyes wide and forever terrified. Jenna sobbed against him with everything in her and felt numbness come over him and he held her back. "Jenna, Jen, where's Kevin." It wasn't his voice that made her listen, made her calm, made her think. It was Mitchel.

Mitchel who hated Jenna, both real and play banter. Mitchel, whose face was as pale as his brother's, whose eyes were wide and held the horror of the whole galaxy in them. Jenna shot up and ran to the building a few feet behind her, it was blackened with shots. Jim kept his eyes forward not looking at the countless bodies laying on the street. There were so many, too many to count. How many had Kodos killed? How many were yet to die? Why didn't he contact Star Fleet?

Why didn't he contact Star Fleet?

Jenna moved a board of wood showing a hidden cubby underneath a building. Jim sighed in relief, Kevin always found the best of hiding spaces. Slowly, Kevin emerged, his face as tear-streaked as his sister's. He was shaking as Jenna picked him up with difficulty. He wasn't that small anymore. Though terribly skinny, Jim hadn't noticed how much until that moment. But they didn't seem to mind, wanting to hold each other. Jim glanced from side to side, keeping a watch. Sounds were echoing all around, he didn't know where the fighting was exactly. Fires were blackening the sky with smoke, down the street he saw flashes and a shadow fall and disappear. His heart had yet to stop racing and he shouted, "Let's go!"

Then out of the hiding place came two more children. Kevin's friends and neighbours, Mrs. Riley must have pushed them in after Kevin. Ashley and Tyler Madison. Jim swallowed nervously and picked up a wailing Ashley. "We need to move now." Tevik quickly took Kevin from a fighting Jenna, but she gave up when he stated that he could hold Kevin much easier than she. Sam took hold of Tyler who was only five, and together they ran out into the hills.

Panting, halfway up the into the wilds, Ru Takahashi, a guy Jim had marital arts with, took Ashley from him and Jim thanked him. He hadn't even recognized him before and more guilt piled up. He would have left him and his girlfriend Maya to die. He had study period with them just last week, he even had morning classes with them. The only new member was Rachel Watts. A black student from Casus Prime, only Tevik had classes with her, in one of his lab projects. Three people he didn't even think of pulling with him. Three people piled on a hill of corpses.

Jim was shaking as he climbed and then suddenly behind him Sam shouted. Jim didn't even get the chance to yell before he was knocked to the ground. He was several feet ahead of the others and they slammed together, falling and rolling farther away. Jim found himself on his back and pain seared through his head. He gasped and finally recognized what was happening. Someone was attacking him. A guard, was Jim's first thought, a new terror ripping through him, as he found himself pinned, but when his eyes focused he saw it wasn't a guard but a man, a regular man with red hair and a wedding ring.

"Get out of here! You fucking Alpha Group! You killed my daughter!" He screamed before Jim felt the searing pain of another fist to his cheek. It was an odd instinct, long instilled in him. He launched himself up, not being able to stop himself. He hit the older man, hard. He had forgotten how much stronger he had gotten here at Arcadia; he always compared himself to Sam who was stronger being sixteen. But Jim was fast and he got in three quick jabs, twice to his face, then a hit to the man's throat.

Eyes wide, the man fell sideways. Jim went with him only then realizing, his hand was squeezed against something, his hand was connected...to a knife. The guard's knife he stole. The knife that was buried in the man's throat. The man blinked, choking sounds piercing the air, he squirmed trying to get air. He felt Sam behind him, heard Jenna's loud gasp. He swiftly pulled back his fist, the knife coming with it. Blood sprayed down on him and he winced. Slowly, the man opened his mouth to speak, or draw air, but only blood poured out. He fell down beside Jim, his hands reaching out, his eyes wide. Jim watched as he twitched, slowly passed out, and then the man went still with a last rattling breath.

Jim slumped there, he could have stared at that man for the rest of time. This was something awful. This was the most awful thing in the world. There was no beauty, no fascination. This was the end. It was everything, it was a second. Irreversible. Tevik was the one to grip his hand and slowly take the bloody knife from him. Tevik was the one to help him stand and he was the one who started leading the group further up the mountain range.

He didn't remember the rest of the journey, Jenna and Mitch led them to hidden caves they had both discovered, though at different times. He only came back to alertness when he found himself sitting back against a cliff, the outline of the city below him, the sun just rising, bringing to focus all the fires that still raged. Bringing to focus all the bodies that looked like black dots from here. There were so many, the small little streets looked black. Jim swallowed, his mouth dry as sandpaper.

Mitchel was the first to approach him and he clasped a warm hand on Jim's shoulder. "Don't worry Jim. It was an accident and it needed to be done. We don't think anything bad of you, you saved all our lives. You did a great thing." Mitchel smiled as best he could, his eyes almost shining in the dawning light. Almost. When Mitch walked away he shivered. 'A great thing' no it hadn't been great and he frowned watching the twins. Micheal sat with his head in his hands, looking at nothing. He didn't want to know what Mitchel Gary thought was horrible.

The sun rose fully and Jim knew with a certainty he hadn't had about anything else in his life, they had entered into something terrible and eternal.

They had enlisted into hell.


	7. The Death of All Hope

The day passed tense and fearful. No one quite knew what to do. They knew Kodos' guards would be out, trying to find those that escaped. They watched as a group-citizens, had burned down the remainder of the crops. They only knew it to be citizens because only moments later, their small little dots crumpled one by one as another group in black approached, trying to put the fire out. It didn't matter really, Kodos had several edible plants in his greenhouse and the last of the eight food processors still functioning.

Jim was capable of ignoring his mounting emotions, his cramped back, the memories of last night. He was capable of sitting in that one spot until he died, not of starvation, but of thirst in just three short miserable days. If it hadn't been for Kevin.

Kevin Riley, with messy brown hair, wide eyes and expressing more emotion than Jim could bare; Kevin walked up to him, still in his star ship PJ's and no shoes. "Jim, what's going to happen now?" Jim tore his eyes away from the terrorizing town and looked at him. He knew he couldn't just sit there, not any longer, it was early afternoon, they hadn't eaten in over twenty four hours. Kevin needed to eat.

He stood and held out his hand. Kevin immediately clasped it. Jim swore, if anyone was going to make it out of this, it'd be this little guy. "We're going to get some food and water." Micheal and Mitchel, who had been talking quietly to themselves, looked up at him. Jenna had fallen into a restless sleep with Rachel and the two other children next to them. Micheal gently woke them up. Tevik stood from where he and Sam had been sitting. Jim didn't let himself feel more a second of jealousy and pain at the fact Sam had been resting his head on Tevik' shoulder. Ru and Maya looked to be the most tense and they startled when Tevik spoke.

"Jim, it is too dangerous to venture out. If we wait until tomorrow-" "Tomorrow is going to be too late Tevik. It's not only the guards that we have to worry about. It's the people. Sivath said they were trying to save the right people, which means he's only killing either those he doesn't like, need, or feel worthy. There are people out there like us, people that are terrified and panicked and they react emotionally. Without reason." The flash of the man entered his vision but he pushed it away. He needed his concentration on this.

Jenna frowned and said, "Professor Sivath was the one who gave you, your speech?" Jim nodded frowning. "Kodos had a projection of himself for us. But he basically said the same thing. Before...before it happened. " Kevin sat down beside her, losing all energy. He realized Jenna was in her pyjama's as well. No shoes. Rachel was the same. Tevik probably hadn't been sleep anyway, so he was dressed. Micheal had slippers on, but had no shirt, the same as Ru. Mitchel like him and Sam was fully clothed. They needed food, water and some clothes.

Together, after two hours, they finally came up with a plan. Micheal, Ru and him would go directly into the city. They would look for food there while Tevik, Maya, Rachel and Sam would take the extended fields. Mitchel would carry the weapons and with Jenna would protect their hiding place. At any cost.

Jenna gripped the phaser firmly, her face determined and rageful. He hoped she stayed in the cave, even just for one day. She didn't need another memory joining her worst one just yet. They broke up and slowly the curses of Maya and Rachel were behind them. Ru he knew from morning exercises, was silent and fast. He ran the best time on the obstacle course. Ru took point though Jim was fidgety in the middle with Micheal keeping up the rear. They each grew tense as they neared the town. The smell hit them first; ash and smoke, and a foul smell that Jim knew instinctive was death. It's scent was sick and strong made worse by the heat of the day. Micheal stopped and tried to throw up but nothing came out.

As they slowly made their way into the outer lining streets, they saw bodies had been moved, the streets still broken, littered with mess and blacked with phaser fire and smoke. Here a fire had burned, everything was crumbling and black. The smell was thick and smoke was still lazily flowing upwards. Ru quickly opened a door to the left, a house that hadn't been touched by fire. It was, however, previously broken into. Everything was knocked over, broken and useless. Jim went upstairs, Micheal kept watch at the door and Ru looked through the main floor, he called out quietly, alerting them to the water being turned off. Jim knew there would be no food found here but maybe...

He almost called out in joy. Dressers and clothes had all been tossed to the ground but they were still here. He grabbed everything he could, most would only fit the kids but he managed to shoes to fit the girls. Downstairs, Ru saw his armful and went back to the kitchen, coming out with a cloth bag to put everything in. "Well at least there's this." Micheal who crouched by the front window said, "We need more. We should see a couple more houses." Jim agreed and tossed them both a shirt. Hurriedly, they put them on. There was no shoes to fit them.

They had to make their way slowly into the alleyways. The houses now closer together, the smell stronger. Ru stopped at an opening three streets over, where the houses looked slightly more intact. Jim tensed thinking about the guards but slowly, slowly Ru stepped forward into the city courtyard and Jim cringed. Bodies. This is where Kodos had shot the second group of townspeople. He threw up a hand to cover his nose, looking back he saw Micheal was wide eyed.

Jim blinked several times and shook himself, his stomach wanting to heave like Micheal's. Grabbing both of the others, he forced them all to walk, sick. He couldn't help but look down in case he trip over them. They were purple coloured, limbs at awkward angles suggesting most had been running. Most of their faces were to the ground but others were on their backs, their expressions full of terror. Their noses and mouths had red brown blood coming from them. He shuddered.

Jim's heart racing, he held them until they turned into the next street. There were only a few bodies there. But he could now see the path the guards were using. They were cleaning it up systematically, now his heart raced for a different reason. They didn't have much time. "We need to hurry up. We need to pay attention to what needs it. These people are dead, we're not. Our kids aren't." Jim remembered Kevin and straightened his shoulders, breathing through his mouth. He could practically taste death. "We need to move. The guards will block our way out soon." He didn't know how he managed to stay calm when image after image was battling for attention. The boys nodded, looking green and scared.

They searched five houses, only being terrified once in the third one. The guards had been right outside lifting up bodies onto carts. There was going to be a mass grave somewhere Jim thought. Maybe Kodos had planned this all along. Maybe this was his end game. The fifth house they almost started fighting. Though they found some clothes, not much else was coming up. Ru wanted to head back, Micheal stated the obvious, they wouldn't live much longer without food or water. Jim had sat down heavily onto the floor. Frowning he shifted his weight. Interrupting them, he called, "Hey, check this out." Jim turned and lifted up the shifting tiles. He grinned.

* * *

><p>When they approached the camp it was to see a dirty Sam greet them looking grim. He had a cut on his head. Jim's heart leapt in worry. Sam spoke slowly almost reluctantly, "There's nothing, it's all black and silver. It was worse that Kodos had us believing, it's all gone."<p>

Going into the caves, Jim set down his bag and Micheal set down his. It was only when Tevik and Sam shared a look that Jim saw the expressions everyone had. They were missing Maya. Ru noticed too. "Where's Maya?" No one said anything and Jim could see the panic setting in. Jim put a hand on Ru's shoulder just as Ru spoke again, the words lined with panic, "Where's my girlfriend?" Jim sharply said, "Explain." The harsh tone made everyone flinch, the kids all had their heads bowed. Little Ashley was crying silently.

Tevik spoke, it was the first time in years he heard true emotion in the Vulcan's voice. "We were trapped along the Western fields, I heard the guards before they approached and we ran. There, there was no cover for us to hide. Maya was caught by a phaser." Rachel stepped forward then, she was noticeably trembling and her voice shook as she spoke, "Ru...Ru she saved my life. The reason why she got hit was because she tripped on a rock. You know how she's-she was-the best runner of our class." Rachel didn't continue, only looked down and Jim followed her gaze and sighed. Ru gasped, following Jim's eyes. Maya had been wearing a t-shirt and cotton shorts to bed. But she had put on her favourite pair of runners. Jim knew that because when she beat him on their race a month ago, she playfully told him it was because of them. Her mom had gotten them to her last Vindi, the month that allowed ships to dock. And Maya had given Rachel one of them. They had been even then, Rachel wearing one shoe and Maya the other.

Jim felt his heart squeeze painfully, tears prickled at his eyes and image after image flowed through him. The phaser fire, the bodies of all those people, purple, bloody and foul. He could see Sivath his favourite teacher telling them they weren't worthy of living. He saw the man he killed last night, the wedding ring on his finger. He felt a hundred years old, empty and scared. All those images now melted with Frank, Frank who he hadn't thought about in months. But he could feel those hands on him now, the deep voice telling him he was No One. He could feel the breath on his neck.

Jim's whole body was going to shatter, he was going to break apart and never be able to put himself back together. Right before he thought it would happen he heard Kevin cough. Jim's eyes snapped open, he hadn't realized he closed them, his body was trembling. Kevin coughed again and Jim gave himself four seconds to compose himself and said clearly, "We found some things in town. Here."

Rachel really started sobbing when he gave her, her own pair of sneakers. Ru sunk down against the back wall, not able to hold himself up. The kids took their clothes and shoes quietly. Tyler thanked him, his nose beet red. Then he gave them all canisters of water, which everyone took greedily. At the bottom of the bag, Jim without any joy to it, gave everyone a energy bar. He had enough food to last them all maybe a week, two if they were careful. Most of it was energy bars, these were medical, meant for dire times when you need a pack full of vitamins. Exactly what they needed.

Jim walked out into the opening of the caves. Their venture into the town had taken most of the day and the sun was now starting to set. Clouds were coming in, it would rain soon, Jim could feel it on the air. He needed to make sure no one else died. Instead of sleeping, he took watch, making sure they weren't found during the night.

* * *

><p>The days were long, hard and agonizing. A month later, they hadn't eaten in days. Kevin was having another attack, this was more dangerous than ever. Everyone was thinner than he thought possible. Even Tevik was sleeping more, his own body not being able to handle the strain.<p>

Jim explored the surrounding hills, keeping away guards and people alike. Over the past week he had fought five people, all of whom were worse off then his group. He hadn't killed anyone else, but he did knock a man out and leave him on the hill. He wasn't sure the man had enough energy to move after that, so he might have died of dehydration. Jim tried not to think about it. Panic was now forefront on everyone. When he tried to go near the town, he could hear screams and yesterday he had witnessed himself the mass graves that Kodos had ordered, bodies were piling up now, even more than on the day of the massacre.

The colony hadn't been the largest but it was almost twenty years old. It had a stable population of over fifty thousand. The majority had been in the town. But the fields had several houses as well, almost village like. This wasn't a small colony when Jim stumbled across dead and rotting bodies every day. The stench of death was in everything, the air, the land, Jim's clothes and hair. He didn't think it would ever truly wash out of him. As it was, it hadn't rained in five days, so while they had enough water caught from it, they hadn't been able to bathe since then. And really, showering with nothing but rain didn't really make you feel clean. Jim was filthy and his skin itched. He was sun-burnt on his face, arms and neck, his clothes torn and muddy form his fights. His hands were raw and scabbed form those fights and from digging in the black dirt for nonexistent roots. He found himself grateful for the fact that the rest of the small planet was too mountainous, wild, and full of native animals to settle properly in other regions. They would have been littered with bodies as well.

Jim found himself jumping at the slightest movements, his hand squeezing the knife periodically. He had now refused to give it up, not feeling like he could defend them all without it. His mistrust had escalated to the point were he had fought off young kids, not allowing them to join their small group. He hadn't told anyone about it and he still felt guilty. But it was driving him mad seeing the kids slowly lose weight, their energy leaving them, their eyes hollow. He wasn't going to suffer watching more of them deteriorate.

His fury was mounting too, every time he woke up from the nightmares of his memory, only to face it again had him enraged. He felt like jamming the knife into the nearest person, or his eyes if it would make him stop seeing this. His hand shaking, Jim took a slow drink of his water, feeling it enter his empty stomach. His body wanted to throw it up but he clench his jaw and took deep breathes until it faded. Jim jumped when he heard gravel crunch behind him. He snapped his body up, knife at the ready, his water bottle falling to the ground.

Tevik raised a brow and held up his hands. It took a moment for Jim to recognize him from the vision of an enemy his mind produced; slowly, he put the knife back into his waistband. "Perhaps, it would be best if you slept, Jim. I can watch over our camp until morning." Jim shook his head not wanting to have nightmares the moment he shut his eyes. "I've got it Tev." Tevik stood beside him and Jim was shocked at much skinnier he was. Tevik had always been lean, but never skinny, Jim could see his bones of his shoulders. His face was taunt against his cheeks, his ears looking ridiculously big on his head. The traditional bowl cut was no more, Tevik's hair had grown out, it was messy and dirty. He didn't want to know what he looked like he if a Vulcan was losing that much weight eating less than them, if Tevik looked unkept, he must look deplorable.

As if his body was following his thoughts, he got dizzy and he crouched. Standing up straight now took a certain energy that Jim hardly ever possessed. Rachel and Ru, who hadn't gotten over Maya's death, ate the least out of all of them and they looked skeletal now. Jenna was doing only slightly better, Mitchel and Micheal both looked gangly, if Jim hadn't known it was them, he wouldn't have noticed them from their faces. Their eyes were sunken and hollow; bones were too sharp on bodies meant to be broad.

The kids were barely hanging on. Tyler was quiet, he stopped crying long ago, he always cuddled into Jenna. Ashley, Jim always itched at the thought of her, he wanted to brush out her red hair so badly. All of them had knots in their greasy hair, but her's were the worst. He had to cut it to her shoulders the other day, it was her first haircut, since her mom had wanted it to grow out. She cried as the waist long locks fell to the ground. He felt for them the most, their parents shot and killed in front of them, they didn't know how to process it, none of them did. He didn't know how to help either. It made him angrier.

Sam. Sam was bad off. He had always been what Jim knew to be... the good one. Seeing this, it wasn't making him angry like Jim. Sam didn't want to put a knife in anyone's gut and watch the blood pour out. Sam was agonized in a way that not even Jim could reach him. It was Jim, after all, who was now the official leader. He didn't know how exactly it happened. They listened to him because he pushed everything down. He was doing a good job at it too. He made them go for searches daily, even had Ashley and Tyler go with Jenna who was the designated caregiver to them and Kevin.

His voice was always calm, always harsh, snapping them from their own haunted images. Sam, Jim noted, leaned on Tevik and him. Sam needed instruction, needed someone to care for him, needed Jim to tell him what to do next. That made Jim furious for a reason he couldn't comprehend. Maybe Kodos had been right about them, his mother too and even Frank in a way. Jim was and had always been someone who did not lean on anyone. Jim, who hadn't spoken to his mother in almost two years besides, 'hi' and 'I need to get to class now'. He was strong and harsh and furious and now extremely desperate.

Terror was becoming a familiar emotion. He had only to walk outside, the heat making the people die of thirst if not prepared, rotting those that did perish within a day or two if not burnt of buried. Most now weren't, burning was so much easier and reserved needed energy. The darkness outside was only broken by a crescent moon. No lights shone in the city at all.

Jim, starring at Tevik, knew there was only one thing to be done now. He left Tevik at the entrance where the Vulcan would keep look out. He eyed the sleeping kids, Kevin wasn't breathing right. He really noticed the kid, took his time eyeing him up and down. Jim tried not to look at him too long in the daytime, it always made him panic.

Kevin was the skinniest of all of them. He didn't even look human now, bones poked out everywhere, his skin looked grey, his breath was full of rattling, an infection had set in, not letting up. He wasn't going to get better. That knowledge had him convinced, glancing at the others, a plan started to form, jolting his hazy mind into something clear and sharp. Sam, he knew, was too weak, Jenna was needed to keep Kevin calm. Rachel was too loud, but Micheal and Mitch. They were like him. Especially, Mitch. He could see the change come over them in their eyes, just like him. He nudged them awake and they both bolted up, like him as well, ready for fight.

Micheal frowned at seeing him but Mitch's first words were alert and quiet, "What's the plan?"

* * *

><p>It wasn't until they made it pass five guards that Jim stopped them. He could hear shouts and a fight going on. It was a woman's scream that had Ru wanting to run towards it. Jim only barely stopped him. When they all looked around a familiar corner, it was to see the city square, dark and ominous. No bodies littered the place now. But dried blood and fluids painted the stone in black. Five guards were standing around old Paddy's trinket cart. He remembered the friendly man with a white moustache, Patrick had patched up his school uniform a couple times, telling him old, funny stories from his life. He had seen his disfigured body being thrown on top on others in a ditch two days ago, Professor Jensen beside him.<p>

Now his cart was sideways and broken, the guards were fighting not with the girl, but each other. He only caught a few words but it made him even sicker than usual. They broke off slightly and he saw the woman was pinned across the cart. The woman screamed and clawed, guards laughed. Jim moved back not being able to see more, his heart pounding and echoing hands gripping his wrists, his hips. His back seared with the memory of a belt. Micheal, it seemed, couldn't stop watching, his face showing even more traumatizing horror. "They're... they're... we need to help." Both Micheal and Ru moved forward, Ru looked ready to kill them all gladly, but Micheal was still in shock. Jim and Mitchel had to silently fight them to hold them back.

It took Jim leaving after a few minutes of whispered arguing for the others to follow. The screams of the woman lowered to whimpers that was cutting him to the core, and he couldn't take it any longer. The guards didn't stop, only switched and that was when Jim ran. Ru glared at nothing when they all caught up to him, Micheal just looked sick, Mitch and him, they kept their faces as stoic as possible.

It wasn't long before they were caught. The closer they got to Kodos' private estate, where he knew it was packed with people, the more alert and business-like the guards were. It was Mitchel who saved them, right before the guard could reach for his comm, Mitchel aimed and fired their phaser for the first time. It hit dead centre of the man's face. He was dead before he hit the ground.

Jim froze but Mitchel ran right up the unidentifiable man and grabbed his phaser. He tossed it to his brother and said, "Hey, he has a spare. Here." Jim automatically caught it and pushed down his shock, his heart pounding away. He swallowed thickly, wishing he brought his water, and then nodded to everyone. He thought of all the times he told himself, it was going to be alright, if he just pretended. He told himself that, as he wondered how long someone could endure adrenaline rushes before becoming immune to them. He tried to put the phaser on stun and saw there was no option for it. There was only kill. Jim swallowed as they made their way silently through the last of alleyways, stepping around the guard.

Ru was the quietest, so he scouted the front for them. There was no cover now, only the hill, the courtyard where so many of his classmates were murdered. Ru came back, eyes wide. His voice only trembled a bit but otherwise he was calm. This is why he brought him. Ru needed something to focus on other than Maya. "Okay, the guards are all over the place. I saw movement in the windows of the Academy so I think that's were the chosen survivors are all held. That hole is still open, I saw the gap but it's on the opposite side of Kodos' place."

Jim nodded. He had expected this. It wasn't going to be easy. He ordered they split up. Mitchel and Ru would go to the right, behind Kodos' place, there would be guards but hopefully some sort of shelter with the bare trees. Him and Micheal would take the gap, easier to get to but harder going across the lawn. Jim went over for the twentieth time the layout of Kodos' place. The codes he had gotten from watching Sivath and his and Mitchel's own hacking.

"We know, Jim. C'mon. We'll meet you there." Mitch said before stopping himself and turning to hug his brother briefly and tightly. He turned and looked to Jim, seriously he said, "Don't let anything happen to him." "I won't." Jim swore.

They made it up the rocky hill quietly, only falling twice. From the small gap he could see five guards. Micheal counted. They were on a routine watch and turned at intervals. Micheal whispered, "Every forty seven seconds. We'd only have five seconds to pass them. It's not possible." Jim knew that and looked down to his phaser. The man floated in front of him, his eyes panicked, slowly fading from the world. Jim wasn't panicked right now, he had been scared, but a calm had come over him. He didn't think, just reacted.

Lifting the phaser, right on forty seven, he went through the gap and fired three perfect shots. The two guards who stood farther away, shouted as their companions fell to the ground. Jim ran in the opposite direction, hopefully letting Micheal get to the mansion. Hoping that Micheal understood a diversion when he saw one. Micheal didn't, instead, Jim turned as one of the guards shouted again. His body fell to the ground, a knife in the back of his skull. Micheal had stolen it from Jim's waistband. The last guard fired shots and he heard Micheal shout. Jim lifted his own phaser and as they starred at each other, Jim saw the guards eyes widen a fraction.

Jim shot, the guard was Alex Sansmoore. Jim took a deep breath realizing he just killed more people, one of them his friend and science partner. Micheal whimpered and Jim ran to him, his worry cutting through everything else. "Micheal! Micheal, talk to me." Dropping to his knees, he saw Micheal was already sitting up. "Don't talk like I'm dying." Jim let out a hysterical little laugh that had no humour in it. He had to clamp a hand across his mouth to stop it.

Micheal was hit in the leg, nothing too bad but it made him limp and hiss in pain. Jim helped him; first, by ripping part of his shirt, tying it securely, getting a whispered curse from Micheal, and then helping him up. Together they made their way slowly across the lawn. Jim kept glancing around, anyone looking out the windows could see them. Anyone coming up towards the school could see them. He felt fear course through him and made Micheal slightly jog. Jim kept them from falling but it was a close call.

Jim jumped as someone shouted beside them. More guards were here, Jim didn't have time to point his phaser but the guards fell, dead, as Mitchel came in view firing at least seven shots rapidly. Jim and Micheal stood frozen. Mitchel was terrifying to watch and he heard Micheal take in sharp gasp at the merciless expression his brother showed. Mitchel then turned to them and both boys stiffened, only relaxing when Mitchel lowered the phaser and ran to them. "Are you alright?" "Yeah, just a graze. We need to hurry though, anyone can find those men."

Mitchel stepped to the other side of Micheal, arm around his waist, together with Ru bringing up the rear they got to the doors of Kodos' mansion. Jim breathed a sigh of relief; the lobby was empty. He knew the way to Kodos' office but didn't want to go near it, he also knew the kitchen had to be around that area as well. Kodos wouldn't stand for waiting for his dinner. They all looked to him and Jim swallowed, ears straining for any hint of noise. "Okay, we need to stick together now. We'll search the ground floor. Ru, take my phaser and lead, we'll go left."

They searched quietly and quickly, all of them flinching under their own footsteps. Jim had to tell Micheal to breathe quieter twice, though it was clear the other boy was in pain. It was their eleventh room that they found the kitchen and all boys froze. Jim hadn't seen this much food in a very long time. It had to have been at least a year, it shocked all them. Bread was on the counter, along with dried pasta in canisters. Tarsus fruit, the red pomleen, the green fredlic were combined with apples and oranges in a basket. Sweet and juicy and Jim knew if he took one bite it was explode his taste buds. Before he could stop them, they all launched towards it. It was only a second later that he followed not being able to stop himself.

They gorged on bread, cheese, fruit. Jim was only able to stop when he noticed how bad his stomach wanted to throw up what he just ate. Then he noticed how loud they were being. "Guys. Guys! Shut up!" The harshness in his voice made them all turn to him. Ru had a mouthful of an apple, Micheal and Mitch were savagely ripping apart a small portion of cooked meat they had found in the stocked fridge. "We need to get bags. Gather everything up. The others need as much as we can carry, we won't be able to come back."

It took them less than three minutes, Micheal with renewed energy was completely indifferent to his leg, though he left a blood trail that made Jim wince. They had a bag each full of more food that they had dared hope for, this would keep everyone alive for at least another month. Jim, himself, carried a bag of everything dried; meat, fish, fruit, even three canisters of nuts. Jim only stopped them to use actual running water to clean Micheal's leg, then he dunked his head under the tap. The others followed him, they had to rush Ru who looked like he wanted to wash his hair fully, Jim threw him a kitchen towel to dry off and nodded to Mitchel who stood at the door, signalling it was time to leave.

It was only when they were halfway down the hall, looking into the rooms on either side vigilantly, that Jim noticed something mounted on the wall. "Hey, in here," he whispered. Mitchel impatient and fearful of being caught tried to stop him. "Jim, we don't have time. We need to leave now." Jim ignored him and went into one of the deserted offices. On the wall was a mounted med kit. With raw fingers he pried off it's mount and opened it, gasping in awe. Bandages, hypos, wipes, and more it made him want to tear up. This would save Kevin's life and Jim glanced beside him to Micheal. He knew his leg was worse off than they were pretending. They had all grown a tolerance to pain in the past couple of weeks.

Without any warning, he picked up a hypo and stabbed Micheal in the leg. "Fuck! What was that for?" Jim shrugged and looked at the colour on the stripe of the hypo. "It looks like pain, infections and some kind of anti-biotic. Hopefully, you're not allergic to it." Rubbing his dirty pants where Jim injected him, Micheal glared at him but slowly his face softened into a kind of wonder. "Oh, wow, that shit really works." Jim smiled and then glanced at the labels of the hypos. He sighed, he was allergic to all of them. That meant Kevin would have an intolerance to them too. There was no wonder and happiness when he stuffed it in his bag. At least the others would benefit from it. All of them had some kind of cut, sprain or burn.

They made it all the way to the entrance. They were free but Jim found he couldn't go forward. Ru frowned at him, rushing him. "C'mon. We need to run." Jim stepped toward him and said, "Here. Take this." Quickly, before he could stop himself Jim gave Ru his bag. Ru's eyes, a nice caramel brown, showed his shock and worry. "Jim, what the hell? We need to go."

Jim looked at his friends. His best friends. All of them as skinny as him, as filthy, as hopeless. They were all so scared, Jim's hands trembled with it. At any moment, they could be captured, killed. It was real and possible and terrifying. But these guys had all fought beside him, against people who either had attacked them or who wanted food. These guys came here, to the worst of places, beside him, willing to die to help each other. He felt so much love for them in that moment he thought it might overwhelm him. And he knew, when this food ran out, there would be no help, no second chances to run back here. They would be alone and dying.

"I need to send a signal to Star Fleet. The only place to do it is from Kodos' office."


	8. Sorana T'Sorr Haken: AKA The Worst

Jim found himself quickly pulling his head back from peering around the corner. Micheal beside him was panting as quietly as he could. "There's a guard down the hall, we need to take him out quickly," he whispered. Micheal nodded and Jim really wished the guy would have let Mitch come instead. He never knew Micheal to be so stubborn about something, and they hadn't had time to fight over it in the middle of Kodos' palace. Jim charged his phaser, the slight hum giving him strength. He counted, hearing the slight echo of the guards footsteps.

...five...six...seven... On eight he turned to see the guard right in front of him. Eyes wide, the guard barely had time to register him before Jim fired. The flash was so bright in the darkness, Jim had to keep blinking as they made their way down the hall. Just like the past three times, Jim looked as quick as possible, praying to whatever devil might hear him, not to be caught. They weren't, there were no guards walking that hall. They must be doing their rounds outside, Jim thought as they turned down another hallway. That was good, Micheal's blood would be a hard trail to find outside.

They ran, entering the fifth hallway from the stairs, they practically bolted into the office. Weapons ready, they were prepared to shoot on sight, both of them full of nervous adrenaline. The office was dark, and empty. Jim took deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heartbeat that seemed to want to jump out of his chest. His whole body was vibrating, his phaser shaking. He quickly ran towards the desk, the PADD underneath papers and books was on, giving off a faint blue glow.

Jim grinned, he wouldn't need Kodos' authorization, not right away anyway. It had only been maybe a month or so since he touched one, but it felt like it had been years. Everyday had been a century, full of hunger, pain, discomfort. He felt old. He remembered every dead body in front of him, those he had created himself, and those countless he had stumbled upon. The famine had taken the life from everyone, the good in everyone.

Bile rose up in Jim's throat, his eyes unseeing, his gaze on the bodies, on children whose death he may have dealt. "Jim." Jim jumped and looked to a wide-eyed Micheal keeping watch at the door. He nodded to him, thankfully out of his thoughts. His fingers glided across the screen, remembering quicker than his mind how to hack into a system. It didn't take long to bring up Star Fleet, the PADD was engineered to send out signals and reports. And it proved reliable. Within minutes, Jim opened up the codes and found himself breathing a sigh of relief. The page opened up, ready to be sent across the Federation to Star Fleet Command in San Francisco. He quickly typed in an S.O.S. multiple times, telling Star Fleet the exact situation on the ground.

"Jim hurry up. We need to go now," Micheal said fidgeting, his gaze unwavering from the hall. Jim couldn't help it, after he sent the file, he scoured the history logs to see what exactly Kodos had reported. "Jim, I hear something!" The frantic whisper caught him but Jim pushed it needing to know. "Jim!" Jim shut it down and bolted with Micheal. They made it down the hall, only to hear a shout behind them.

This was it; this was the adrenaline rush, the fear, the horror, all into one. They were running, shots firing from behind. Micheal turned, his phaser waving frantically, shooting randomly. They both heard a shout implying he caught a guard, a couple thumps sounded, more than one had fallen. Jim didn't look back as they rounded another corner. Micheal, breathing heavily now, stumbled, and Jim reached to catch him. Knocking into a door, off centred, they both stumbled into the room, the door opening. Frantically, with only seconds left, Jim caught his feet and launched into the room. It had no windows only lab tables. Jim halted, his eyes going to the screens on the wall, he knew what it meant but it made no sense. "Holy shit." Micheal muttered as they both hurriedly flipped a table. Jim knew what he meant, the walls on either side of them was full of jars.

All of them held fetuses at different stages.

Jim raised his phaser, heart pounding. They were in a lab with no windows and the only door was blocked. The moment the door slid open, he started shooting. Three went down, one with a shout, but a fourth man jumped across the opening to hide behind another table.

Jim's hand shook as he kept his phaser level, within seconds, they were firing back and forth. Two more guards got through the door. "C'mon, we need to make a run for it, we're open ducks here." Just as he said it, Jim got shot in the shoulder. He yelled, more shocked than hurt but the phaser fell to the ground with a clatter. Just as he was about to retrieve it, the guard came out and pointed his phaser to his head. From behind the guard emerged his backup, five more men appearing into the room. Together, the boys eyes shifted around. Dread filled Jim unlike anything he had ever felt before.

They had been caught and this time there would be no escape.

* * *

><p>Jim didn't know what to think.<p>

Kodos stared at him unblinkingly. Micheal was trembling beside him, his leg ready to give out. Jim's attention was on Sivath. Sivath, he now knew didn't practice the ways of Surak. He lounged sideways on a red tall-backed chair, completely relaxed and at ease, a book in his hand. He was nothing like a Vulcan should be. Jim couldn't take his eyes off the man, his gut dreading him even more than Kodos. Jim's eyes flickered to the general and found Kodos was smiling, the general looked down to a PADD in his hand. "James, James, James. I know you were in here. What were you into?" Jim shrugged, focusing on not tensing as Sivath's eyes glanced at him. He shivered as the older man smiled openly.

Kodos turned his whole attention to him. "I was extremely disappointed when you declined our offer," Micheal looked at him and Jim pointedly ignored him. "With your skills, we could have gone far." Jim tried his best look bored, his heart pounding, he might not be able to save himself or Micheal, but he sure as hell wasn't going to beg either. "Sorry, I've chosen to keep what conscious I have and die with my head held high. You don't give me that option." Kodos stayed silent for a moment making Micheal to twitch and Jim stand frozen.

Then the general threw up his head and barked out a laugh. Sivath stood up, gracefully walked over and lifted a hand. Before Jim could back away Sivath's hand was on his temple. It hurt, he noticed that right away, the pressure inside his head peaked and he would have fallen had he been aware he had a body. He couldn't fight it, couldn't push it away. This was nothing of what Tevik had once shown him, this was pain, misery, he felt Sivath's mind as a tornado, knocking him around, pressing in on him, taking away everything he was. He couldn't even make a sound, or maybe he did and just couldn't hear it. Then, suddenly, he was back in Kodos' offices, the PADD before him. He felt more than saw Sivath's intentions.

When he came back to himself, he sagged to the ground, his body twitching, the ringing in his ears stopped when he realized he was screaming. Gasping, feeling as if he had been drowning, he gulped in air, trying his best to learn how to breathe again. Micheal had finally collapsed, but his eyes were wide in a new kind of fear. Jim, the leader of their band, the one who was calm and harsh and orderly, Jim had shown weakness, had been terrified. He shut his eyes unable to help Micheal. Unable to lie and say everything was going to be okay.

Sivath didn't kill them, nor did Kodos. He merely nodded as Sivath told him Jim had sent out an SOS. Sivath didn't have to say it, Kodos didn't need it to be confirmed, they all knew. Jim had pulled up a file marked with that same infinity symbol as the door of the lab they had crashed into. He now knew Kodos was part of MACO, part of the old, revised plan to create super-soldiers. Kodos started to work on his PADD and Jim felt everything die inside him. They all knew, it didn't matter that he sent it, Kodos was going to find a way to erase it.

Professor Lyras and Tavin soon walked into the room and without looking up Kodos said, "You can have them. Just make sure they don't get out." Jim's heart started racing as Lyras grabbed him. Micheal screamed as Tavin roughly started dragging him out of the room. Jim was held up by the Vulcan professor, he never would have made it by himself. His mind was burning along with his injured, bleeding shoulder, his feet wouldn't listen to him. His hunger, forgotten, now came back to double him over. He felt hollow, tired and when he was thrown down, after the initial pain, there was relief.

Darkness consumed him.

* * *

><p>Jim woke up on the hard ground. It was dark out. He knew Tevik would be on watch so he tried to to relax. Slowly, he realized he couldn't hear Kevin coughing, bolting up, he was about to call for Sam when something clanked and he fell back down. Everything came rushing back and he turned to vomit. Only bile came up. After he dry heaved, he slumped against a cold wall. It was rock, everything was hard rock, he was somewhere underground. His right ankle and right wrist were connected to the wall by thick metal cuffs.<p>

He hissed as he tried to tug it again, they were tight, leaving almost no room for movement. Heart leaping, Jim called out, "Micheal...Micheal, you there?" "Jim?" Jim tried to look into the darkness, but it was absolute. He knew Micheal was behind him, somewhere in the next cell. He heard the same clanking from chains. "Micheal, do you know how long we've been here?"

It was silent for a bit and when Micheal next spoke, Jim realized his voice sounded gruff and unsure. "No. That Vulcan...Lyras...he did something. It was awful, like I wasn't me anymore. Jim...Jim, they're going to torture us." It wasn't panic in Micheal's voice that scared Jim, no, it was the resigned tone that overlapped everything else. His friend had finally given up. Jim closed his eyes and prayed Star Fleet would come, prayed that Sam and Tevik would be okay. That they would save him. He thought then, for the first time that year, of his mom and quickly pushed it down.

No one came.

Some time later, Jim jerked awake, his eyes blinking under the bright light. Sivath stood before him holding a palm sized triangle glow-light, he set it down, crouching. "James, I can't tell you how sorry I am for all that has happened. You must understand it was necessary." Jim sat up, wanting to be as far away from the man as possible, he replied, "Necessary? What about any of this was necessary? Why didn't any of you call Star Fleet?" Sivath smiled, it wasn't a calming one either, but full of malice and his eyes, in the half light he looked sharp and cold. "Star Fleet? They're a bunch of idiots. Why would we call them, James? Why would we invite them into our work, have them come here and take it all away? It would be a waste of fifteen years of research."

Jim couldn't help it he snarled back, "You're a coward! You massacred countless innocent people for nothing! You're the one who should be taken out and shot, you fucking bastard!" All of Jim's rage and hatred poured out of him and he felt it mount until he was screaming. "I thought you were a Vulcan! A fucking Vulcan who had values, morals, a fucking conscious! What about Surak's teachings? You're a disgrace to every Vulcan out there!" He knew he overstepped, Sivath's face contorted from his rage, he snarled an animalistic sound before he launched himself onto Jim.

The first thing Jim noted was the overwhelming pain. It consumed him, he was lost to it, in it, and then he felt the rage. He rattled with the unending emotions, he felt raw and broken and wrong. He could see Frank, his mom's sad stare, he watched from the sidelines as Frank screamed that he'd always be nothing. He then saw a Vulcan he never knew, a pretty brunette who smiled in the privacy of their home. He felt Sivath in his mind, intruding, a whirlwind of emotion and sharp thoughts. Jim could sense him, he could see everything that made up this Vulcan, he could hear him.

'From here Jim, I can do anything to you.' Jim tried backing away, he tried getting his mind back but there was nothing he could do. Sivath and him were one being, one consciousness, there was no escape, Sivath was all around him. He felt the glee at that thought, felt Sivath probing, going through memories that were private, memories Jim tried his best to block. He flinched and screamed and raged but it did no good.

Jim hadn't felt this powerless before. He had been pinned down, he had been beaten, starved, he had been nothing and no one but his mind had always been his. He had stupidly thought, it always would be. He would never think that again. Sivath decided against paralysing him so quickly, instead he accessed Jim's thalamus, it was horrifying to see just how easy it was. Sivath tugged on nerves throughout his body; his spinal nerves, the pathways in his brain, his parietal lobe was made unable to process the mental agony.

Jim's whole body jerked and he screamed. It seemed to be every kind of pain imaginable. It felt as if he were set on fire, as if knives were cutting him, limbs being sawed off, he felt his skin being flayed from his body and at the same time he couldn't breathe, he was suffocating. It was too much, he'd die. Just let him die. His eyes were pressed out of his skull, useless fluid dripped down his burning bleeding skin. The pressure on his brain was tremendous, his skull surely fractured under the weight.

Jim found the pain dulled slightly, he blinked shocked that he was capable of such a thing. He was huddled on the ground, his whole body sweating and shaking. Echoes of knifes, echoes of burning to breathe all took their time to disappear. He flinched hard as Sivath dropped a wood plate in front of him. "You should eat James. You're going to need your strength." Jim glanced up, clenching his jaw so his teeth wouldn't chatter so loudly. Sivath was smiling, looking more at ease than he had been... when ... how long had that lasted? Had it been days, hours, minutes? Jim curled up tighter and wasn't able to distinguish his hunger pains or his arm wound from the echoes in his head.

The days past like that. Sometimes, it was Sivath who entered his mind, sometimes it was Lyras or Tavin, each had a different way of going about it. But it was clear, as Jim listened to Micheal screaming, Lyras favoured Micheal and Sivath favoured him with Tavin going to both of them. He shuddered. Sivath was all about pain, pain that felt so real, it reduced him to nothing even more than anything the famine or Frank had attempted to. Jim pressed his hands into fists to help when it was over, his crescent scars were now deeper, thicker, but the real pain helped set off the mental. Tavin was gentler, he loved to access Jim's memories and make him relive it countless times. His nightmares came back, his eyes trying to find an exit in the dark. Jim listened to Micheal breathe and tried not to have panic attacks by levelling out his breathing to match his friend's unnatural slow inhales.

It was Lyras who tormented them with something unique and damned. He seemed to take their very souls. Under his hands they were nothing. They had no thoughts, no memories, they were afloat in the darkness, there was no rescue from it. Tavin took away everything good, at his hands Jim was nothing but every bad memory. He only remembered there was any such thing once he woke up. Sam, Tevik, Jenna, Kara, all their voices were landmarks, Jim would try to get closer, try to find something that would help him. He didn't know where he was, how much time had passed, was he in a nightmare or awake? Who was he? What time was it? Doubt became a normal routine after every coherent thought.

"What's happening?" Jim heard one day. He flinched, anxiety pierced him before he realized the soft voice was Micheal's. He hadn't heard Micheal talk in...in...awhile. "Micheal," Jim coughed, his voice was dry and harsh, he hadn't used it other than screaming for the past... couple of days or weeks? "Micheal, it's me Jim. Just remember, you're Micheal Gary and you're not alone." He could almost hear his friend's confusion. It happened more each time Lyras left him. Micheal was barely holding on to himself.

"Jim?" "Yeah, that's me." Jim tried sitting up only for him to hiss, his cuffs were burning into his skin, every time he was visited, he tugged them harshly, he knew from the blood, he was deeply scarred. Jim fingers found his wooden plate, given to him daily. He tried to keep count in the beginning but it was useless, the days tended to skip over each other. He grabbed his cup and drank loudly, finishing, he called out, "Micheal? Micheal?" He heard a hum of a response and continued, "Do you feel a plate in front of you? Reach out. Reach out for me. Go on. Trust me, okay."

Slowly, he heard movement and a scrape of chains against the ground. "What's this?" "It's food, Micheal, it's okay. You can eat it. It'll..." Jim was going to say keep you strong, but neither of them wanted to be strong. Instead he said, "It'll be good for you." Jim laid back down and listened to his friend slowly eat away at his food. He wasn't good with time yet but he wasn't as bad a Micheal so it thought maybe a half hour passed, perhaps less. Once he heard his friend settle down like him he called out once more.

"Micheal, we can't give in. We can't give up. If we do that, we're going to die." Micheal's quiet response had Jim's chest tighten. "I thought we were already dead." He swallowed and replied, "Not yet. If we are, Micheal, if we are, you need to hold on to this. You need to hold on with everything you have and a little of what you don't. If we're going to die, it needs to be with our heads held high. We can't die giving in to them. They cannot win, not like this. We won't give that to them. We can't give that to them. You hear me?"

Micheal's chains rattled and his voice echoed back to Jim. "I'll try, Jim. I promise." Jim nodded and perhaps for the first time truly understood what surrender meant. Surrendering a part of one's soul, it was something more precious than life. He wouldn't give that to Sivath, he would never give that to anyone.

* * *

><p>Laughter echoed over the pain. Slowly, still twitching, Jim's heart pounding, he wondered if he could kill himself. Could he use his cuffs to cut his thigh open? He wanted to, god, he didn't deserve to live like this. He wanted it to be over. Please let it end. Sivath was smiling down at him. "You really think you won't give in to me. But you already are." His laughter echoed the rest of the day and Jim couldn't tell if he was actually there, or if it was all in his head.<p>

Jim sighed once more, clanking his chains to give the room noise that wasn't about screams. Micheal kept on asking what time it was, who Jim was, what was happening. "Do you know what time it is?" Jim yanked on his chain and yelled painfully. His hand and foot was ice cold, they tingled, they burned something fierce at the joints. He was grateful it was so dark, he was afraid to really see them, afraid of what he might lose. Instead, he set down his arm and whispered, "Tick. Tick. Tick." He knew by now it helped Micheal gather himself. It took longer each time but slowly Micheal whispered back, "Tick-tock, tick-tock...Jim? Tick... Jim, I don't know if I can do this much longer."

Jim stayed silent, knowing exactly how Micheal felt. He tried to speak but his throat was too raw, he had lost his voice days ago. He didn't know how long he could do it. He tried to convey everything, he merely said, "Mitchel." They were both silent after that, only when Jim was nodding off to sleep did he hear a quiet, rough voice say, "Mitchel, Melanie, Jenna, Tevik..." The names went on until Micheal repeated their group, friends from school, then his family back on Earth. After that, Jim listened as Micheal repeated himself. People alive and dead and unknown, Jim didn't have the heart to wonder if Micheal remembered most of the people he listed were dead.

He forgot what Sam really looked like, how Tevik's eyes shinned in the sun, how auntie Kara's voice sounded like singing as she repeated Vulcan phrases, her hair shinning gold. He remembered them as faded photographs, as someone might remember a half dream. After awhile, they weren't real, they had become playthings of a child who had grown up. After awhile, Jim lost pleasure in remembering them. His dread filled him as Tavin showed himself. The Vulcan was the most put together of the trio. He kept his emotions almost intact, Jim now dreaded him almost as much as Lyras who was currently making Micheal whimper. Tavin had been raised with Surak's teachings; unlike the other two, he had learned meditation, learned repression, he had an advantage where Lyras and Sivath hadn't. But Tavin was as messed up as the other two, he, like them had a number of broken bonds.

Prior to this, Jim hadn't really understood what Tevik meant when he spoke of how highly regarded bonds were. Bonds that mentally linked two people, sometimes it was family bonds; sometimes, like Tevik had shown him, a simple bond between friends. But those that outstripped all others were bonds that Jim never wanted to see again. Those bonds that had tied these Vulcan's souls with another, their essence etched into their mates and their mates became apart of them. People always said causally to never hit on a Vulcan unless you absolutely knew he or she was single, you never approached one intimately if they were married. Jim knew why now. Vulcans shared everything, everything that was apart of them and anyone trying to take that away was sentencing themselves to a horrible death, because with Vulcans there was no going back, no changing their minds. These types of bonds were permanent and only terminated rarely and with two complying minds.

Long ago, he might have romanced that notion. Tavin had been mated, Jim had seen the other male, for Tavin there would never again be peace, never a second that his being wasn't being flayed from the inside. Jim felt that rawness, how it had driven everything else away, how the very teachings he had once prided himself on had been stripped under the emotion that he could not harness.

Jim's thoughts stopped as he once more lived the worst of his memories. The very feeling of having no control was rammed up, he was useless, pathetic, nothing and no one. He saw the dead bodies scattered along the streets. The faces of all those he left to defend for themselves, those he had beaten down to nothing. He felt as if the whole galaxy was against him, his unseeing eyes searched desperately for an exit, for somewhere to run. He needed to get away, he needed someone to help him. Sam turned his back against him, Kara yelled at him, telling him he was no good, he wasn't welcome anymore. His mother didn't even acknowledge him. No one would, no one would ever save him, they would trick him, use him, that's what people did. He hadn't done anything to help, he didn't deserve it in return. Heart racing, fear coursed through him, it was stronger than any other time the past year, even worse than when Frank would pass by his door. He was so scared, alone, he was no one. His final thought was, 'At least no one will miss me', before darkness consumed him.

It would be days or weeks later, when Jim's cuffs came off pulling pieces of his skin with them. He tried fighting, tried kicking and punching but it was like hitting a brick wall and he had no energy to truly even try. Jim had watched horrified, as they had taken Micheal out, it was the first time they had truly seen the room they were in. They were underground, that he already knew, but it was a circular with curving stairs just opposite their cells, and held a stone slab in the middle. Micheal had been strapped to that slab sometime...yesterday?... as all three Vulcans melding with him at once.

Now it was Jim's turn.

It was nothing. It was No One, there was no memory, no time, no self. All that there was, was pain and suffering and loneliness. There would never be a good memory again, never a breath taken that wasn't filled with agony. It would never find contentment, happiness didn't exist. The thing was alone in a vast ocean of emptiness with nothing but pain and misery. Whatever It was, there It would stay forever, crushed under the knowledge that this was what eternity would be like, this is what the galaxy intended all along. Words faded from meaning and It floated there, with no thoughts, only memories of the dead, memories of tears falling down sharp cheekbones, tears forming in hazel eyes. Blood of all colours flowing onto black grey earth. It had only memories of heat and large hands gripping It's hips.

"Jim. Jim!" Micheal's terrified rough voice had It jumping. It blinked and slowly, slowly breathed in and out, palms squeezing until blood dripped slowly down onto the rocks. It became he. He slowly started thinking, learning how to process thoughts once again. He tried remembering something, anything that wasn't bad. Brown eyes. Tall. Black hair. Vulcan. Vulcan...Tev? Tevik. His heart raced and he repeated it over and over. Slowly he remembered those lips, tinged green, how they had formed his name. He had a name. He was a thing. He was James.

James Tiberius Kirk.

James found himself whispering, "James. James. James. Never surrender. Never surrender. Never surrender." Slowly, it all came back to him and he threw up water he hadn't known he drank. His body shook hard with the knowing how alone he was, how he should end it now. People would love it if he died. "Jim!" Micheal. He concentrated on Micheal, Micheal who held on because of him. Taking deep breaths, his whole body tensing, readying for a fight he knew he couldn't win. His body still shook, he was never quite still anymore, he couldn't speak, his heart hammered until it was all he could hear. Light appeared somewhere upwards.

"Please Jim. Please let this end." He closed his eyes tightly against the bright light, more yellow that Sivath's white glow-light. He frowned, his mind slowly trying to piece together what was happening. Vulcans didn't need this much light, it was burning his eyes, making him tear up. He jumped as he heard someone cry out, "Jimmy!"

The bars of his cell rattled and Jim edged closer to the wall to get away from these loud enemies. Sivath or maybe Lyras had sent new faces. People to show them new games. Maybe it was in his mind, it could be; Tavin had started to do it. Tavin had twisted so many of his memories he didn't know which were real or if any of them were. Maybe he wasn't Jim, maybe he was someone entirely else. Doubt engulfed him until he was huddled in a corner.

Wide hazel eyes were in front him, filled with horror and disbelief. "Jimmy, it's me, it's Sam. It's your brother." Jim narrowed his eyes, jaw clenched to stop his chattering. Sam had died, he saw it happen, Frank had killed him in front of Jim to show Jim how much power he had. He frowned, he also remembered Sam starving from the famine. Sam had left with Tevik to leave him behind in Riverside. Jim clutched his head, which was real? What was happening? He heard Micheal call out, "Jim. Jim, what's happening?" Mitchel cursed and said, "Shut up! We're here to save your stupid asses and we have to get moving if we don't wanna get stuck in here too. Micheal, look at me! I'm you, I'm your brother, your twin, your closest everything. We're in this together. Trust me. Remember me? Remember Millie? I need you." He didn't know what Micheal was thinking but after some silence he heard clanking and Micheal was being lifted up, he could hear it. Jim tried shouting, scared, Micheal couldn't handle the slab again.

"Plea... no slab! S..op, no do it! Mi...el!" He gasped, his throat raw and sore as Sam toppled on him, Jim tried squirming, Sam's hand on his face. "Jim! Jim!" Sam whispered fiercely, "You have to be quiet and trust me. I've got you this time. I know I haven't always been there okay. I know that but I'm here now. We all are. Tevik, break these will you?" It was Tevik that triggered Jim to fight even more, Tevik who was Vulcan, Tevik who could hurt him.

Tevik took over from a fighting Sam and held him tightly. "Jim, I would never harm you. I do not know what happened these past weeks for you but I would never harm you." Tevik's brown eyes looked into his and Jim felt it. Slowly and then all at once, that shattering, all world altering feeling of relief, of hope, of having someone. This was real. Truly real. He wasn't alone. "No, you are not." Jim tensed, Tevik was in his head, Tevik was in his head. Tevik shook his head, eyes a shade darker from emotions too intermingled to name, said, "We need to leave."

Slowly, Tevik let go of him, broke his chains, stood and looked down to him. "Jim you need to trust us, we will get you out." Jim looked from the Vulcan to Sam and then over to Micheal who looked like he was about to pass out, held up by Mitchel and Ru. Rachel stepped forward and with Sam helped him up, Jim couldn't help but cry out, his leg wouldn't hold his weight and both arms had a sharp deep ache in them. He had long ago forgotten that his arm wound hadn't healed well.

It was a slow progress and instead of taking the stairs, Tevik led them to a door Jim hadn't seen before. After four pass-codes were entered, Tevik had to push it open the rest of the way. Jim tried asking how any of them knew this, how they had gotten here? Maybe it was all in his head? It couldn't be possible. He tried to speak, but all he felt was pain in his throat and tasted blood. They made their way down an underground passageway.

Jim's heart raced, his only thought was that they were all going to get caught. Sivath would never again allow him to come back to himself. Jim would be stuck in his mind, forever in pain. Maybe this group was leading him to them? Maybe it was all some sort of trick? It had to be. Any moment now Lyras was going to come out. Just as he was about to fight again, Jim saw it ahead, light, it wasn't daylight, it wasn't bright enough but Jim's heart leapt as he felt a breeze. Jim shivered, he had forgotten how wind felt. "C'mon we're almost there." Just when they had passed the opening he heard the calls behind them. They had been found. "Run!"

Micheal, Mitchel and Ru were in front and they ran harder, Micheal tripping like him. Rachel was breathing heavily beside him and Sam tried his best to carry Jim's weight. They had made it out into the open, Jim saw stars for the first time in so long. He felt wind and dirt beneath his feet. It was no use once Jim accidentally put weight on his foot. They tumbled, breaking apart, Jim was instantly back on his feet, stumbling a few more steps and almost immediately, Sivath was on them, grabbing the closest one of them. Rachel screamed alerting the group in front, Tevik yelled for the others to keep running.

Jim fell and turned to see a grinning Sivath, feet away from him and Tevik. He was still smiling as he sliced Sam's throat open with the knife in his hand. Jim was silent, open mouthed and wide-eyed. He felt as if he were in one of his torments, felt as if this were only part real. Maybe he'd wake up and this was all one of their games. Sam who was as wide-eyed as him, shocked, fell to his knees, coughing up blood, before he slumped sideways to the ground.

Jim was woken up from his shock as he heard an agonized, soul-wrenching cry behind him. Tevik was on Sivath before Jim could realize and Jim, on autopilot, reached out with his hands for anything to make a weapon. His hand collided with a pocket knife that Sam must had held before they fell. Lyras was practically on top of him then, his face a mask of rage. Jim was going to die, this was it, it was all over. Just as Lyras launched himself, Jim let go of the knife. It hit the Vulcan's throat and he landed just off of Jim. They rolled, Jim quickly grabbed the knife and with adrenaline masking his pain, he slammed the blade into the Vulcan's heart, into his kidneys, trying to kill him before Lyras could reach up and snap his neck. He stabbed everywhere he could reach, jarring as the knife hit bone several times.

Jim only stopped once Rachel called out to him. "Jim! Jim, he's dead!" Jim, panting, looked up and saw Rachel's shocked face, he looked down and saw green, green everywhere, Lyras' black eyes were wide and blank. Jim slowly, shaking, slumped off the Vulcan and looked straight ahead. He was slammed with the image of Sivath on the ground, his throat ravaged and ripped out, more green blood soaked the ground. Tevik was holding Sam, Sam. Sam who was the one twitching, red blood mixing with green.

Jim swallowed, knowing this to be real, he knew this was real. "Sam..." Jim breathed, he didn't speak though, because looking at Sam and Tevik, he now knew. They loved each other. Real love. Speaking now, even though Sam was _his_ brother, Sam was_ his_ last family member, his last _someone, _he would be interrupting. Interrupting. He couldn't take that from them, so he watched as Sam tried to speak but couldn't, as his lifted a shaking hand to touch Tevik's face. He watched as Tevik cried, sobbed, cried out his brother's name. "Sam...Don't leave me, Sam. Please..."

Jim didn't know he still had a heart, he thought all of him already died. But it broke again. He felt tears weld up but he refused to give in, he wouldn't. Throat burning, chest tight, he watched as his brother gave out a last breath, his body going limp. Tevik cried out, screaming all the pain of the last...how long had it been now? Rachel crying quietly, sobbed out, "We need...need to leave. The sun...is going to come up. We...we can't stay here." He noticed her put away her phaser in her waist band. He then saw Tavin with a hole in his chest. They were all dead then, Lyras, Tavin, Sivath and...and Sam.

Numb, tired, and trembling, Jim got up and tried to get Tevik's attention. He stumbled and fell when Tevik suddenly reached up and pushed him away almost shouting, "Leave us alone!" Jim tensed as he heard voices but Rachel threw her hands up to get their attention. Mitchel and Ru came back with Jenna. They all stopped as they saw what was before them. Jenna threw her hand up over her mouth. "We nee..o...leeeve." Jim croaked out. Mitchel nodded, his eyes not leaving Sam's body.

After a couple minutes of Tevik growling at them, his face full of rage and sorrow, Jim grabbed Rachel's gun and pushing stun, thankful it had that option, he shot Tevik in the back. "Jim!" Ru said sounding shocked. "No time," Mitchel, replied for him. It took four of them to carry Tevik, while the Vulcan was skinny, his Vulcan bones felt heavier than human ones. Jim, not allowing an argument, used the last of his strength to pick up his brother, not wanting to leave his body to anyone else.

He fell behind them, slow on his damaged leg, he had never felt so grateful for adrenaline before. He prayed it wouldn't lessen. He felt as if guards would come out at any minute and launch at him. Slowly, the crescent moon lowered, the sky lightened. Jim heart pounding in exhaustion slowly staggered his way up the hills. Jim made it halfway up their hill, when he fell. He laid there, breathing heavily, sweat pouring off his body, his brother's corpse beside him, as he took in his first sunrise in what seemed like years.

Tarsus had such a unique sunrise, he had always loved it. Now, the bright red and orange hurt his eyes, he loved it. Loved the burning, brightness, too long he had been trapped in eternal night. He tried for several minutes to keep them open, to watch as daylight poured out into the world. He tried to breathe in deeply, intoxicated by the dry breeze around him, intoxicated by the simple light.

It's sunrise, echoed through Jim's thoughts, for once in years, being able to be certain of the time. He stayed there, not be able to move, he had no energy, hie leg wouldn't carry him now that he was slowly getting pain back. Just before he passed out he heard Rachel voice something. He couldn't make out the words.

* * *

><p>Jim woke up on the ground and panic made him gasp. He was back, he never escaped. Sam was out there, they needed him. "Mi..heal..." He called out hoping Sivath wasn't near. "Jim! Jim we're back!" "Jim! Hey," Jenna was in front of him, her face was thin, patchy and tear stained. "Hey. It's gonna be okay now. We've got you."<p>

Jim was back in their cave.

Over the course of the next three days, Jim saw for himself how his friends had survived. All of them were raggedly thin. Jim and Micheal were underweight but they had been given food at least once a day, they looked great in comparison to the others. Everyone had scars as well, dried blood caked around different body parts, he hadn't been there to protect them.

He was able to sit up with help from the wall, he spoke carefully and slowly to Ashley and Tyler, who had invited several other kids to hide with them. The group had grown with Jim absent, he swallowed thickly at the knowledge that twelve more people would have died had he stayed. Mason was the oldest, he was eighteen and he was the one to bandage Jim and Micheal up with bandages from a med-kit taken from the labs.

"We have food now, Henry and Kyle killed a couple guards the other day, it's not much but it should last the week." Mason said, as he and the other two walked into the cave on afternoon. All of them were bloody, tired and looked about ready to sleep. Kyle took a piece of dried meat and then did, indeed, curl up and sleep. Jim's eyes were not on the food, but on Jenna who cried with her head down. She had everyday since Jim had been saved.

Kevin died a week ago.

Jim forced his gaze away, only for it to land on Tevik. The Vulcan was unresponsive, he had woken up after Mitchel and Kyle had helped Jim bury Sam, farther east of their cave. Tevik blinked, he breathed, but for that, he was dead to world. Micheal turned over, wincing, as he curled into Jim's side. Jim tried not to flinch, the throbbing in head wasn't going away, or his mistrust. While he knew it was real, there was still the doubt echoing his thoughts, Micheal felt it too. He still asked Jim the time when they were both awake. Whatever the Vulcans had done, it seemed it now wasn't going to go away.

Jim jumped as Henry laid a makeshift wood plate in his lap, it held some dried berries. "You need to eat a little." Jim seriously looked at Henry, the boy was only two years older than him, Henry frowned at the seriousness of Jim's expression, understood, nodded, then walked away with the food. He sighed, his whole body tight with stress. He slowly got up and hobbled over to where Tevik lay.

"Hey, Tev...I need you," Jim said once he was laying next to the other boy. His voice was raw but he tried once more to wake his friend. "Sam wouldn't want you to go out like this." Jim sighed after a couple minutes of silence. Truth was, Sam probably would, he wouldn't want to be alone in death. Though if there was a heaven, Sam and his dad might be together. Jim would never see any of them again.

Jim had found out it had been Kevin's death as well as the absolute ruin of the colony that had led his friends to rescue them. Tevik had hacked the school's security from one of the city labs. They knew then they were underground because Tarsus had no proper holding cells. It had been Jenna and Mitchel who had found the underground entrance.

Jim had been shocked that it hadn't been merely weeks he had been down there, though, it had felt as if it had been years, but in truth Micheal and him were prisoners for almost three months. They had lost the summer, it was almost Vindi, almost what would be a cross between September and October back home. Now he felt a heavy numbness. He tried not to think of Sam or the starving people, the children that cried at night, almost worse than Micheal's screams had been. He tried not to think of Vindi or have hope, it would do no one any good.

On the third day, Jim couldn't take it anymore. Being in the cave was like being back there. Micheal felt the same but everyone agreed he should stay with people, Mitchel kept him close, worried. Micheal couldn't keep track of the time, even with Jim telling him to judge it from the sun. He tried teaching him but Micheal wasn't able to hold on to it. Jim could tell time but now and then he didn't know whether he was free or not. He didn't sleep, afraid he'd wake up back there.

Trying to walk evenly was proving challenging. His walking stick kept on slipping, and his good arm didn't have much strength to it. Jenna had tried to get him to stay, telling him Tevik was shaking. Jim had ignored her, he couldn't help him, they were all dead anyway. He didn't say it, but it must have shown on his face because she started silently crying again. He spotted a dead guard in the fields fifteen minutes into his exhausting walk. He didn't know where he was going, he stopped frequently, his mind empty and his whole body hollow. He only truly stopped when he saw a group of five people around nightfall. He was sweating, sun-burnt, his eyes teary and swollen from all the afternoon light. His wrist and ankle burned and ached.

He froze and stared. It was worse than he could imagine. His group was reckless, his group had broken into Kodos' palace and then into labs in the city. They had apparently lost three people during it, then another one during the rescue. Other people were not so careless, they wanted to live every second, and didn't risk their lives. Five people. He should have seen it, should have known. There were no crops, everything was silver and black, except for the bare trees. These people had nothing and yet Jim could only now see the light silver smoke. Five people sitting around a fire. A fire that was roasting. It seemed so innocent but as Jim turned away and tried his best to be silent, he knew there was nothing innocent about the meat they were cooking. He knew he'd never forget the smell. He tried not to have another panic attack as he thought about being caught.

Jim slipped when he almost reached just east of the base of their camp, not being able to get up and climb. He caught his breath, trying to summon energy but found nothing. He was going to be one of those people who just gave up, laid down.

Tevik was standing in front of him before Jim could comprehend it. It was officially nighttime now and Jim tensed, his immediate reaction to Tevik was, Vulcan. He was scared of his friend. He can't be scared of Tevik. He can't be scared of Sam's Tevik. "Tev?" He choked out. His friend was indeed shaking, his eyes were hidden in shadow. Tevik was a Vulcan but he had been -was- Jim's friend. He then felt a range of hurt at knowing that Tevik didn't care about him, that Jim had been so stupid to feel the way he did. They were friends but somehow even that knowledge hurt him. He tried to relax, tried to feel relieved, Tevik could help him get back to the cave at least. Jim's hurt would go away and eventually, hopefully, Tevik would still want him in his life. Maybe they could comm each other now and then.

Jim swallowed just as Tevik raised his hand. Automatically, he recoiled saying, "No! I know you. I know you won't hurt me. I ...I just...never want to experience anything-" Jim fell backwards, eyes wide, not able to believe what was happening. Tevik, advanced on him, looking as if he were in a trance. The throbbing that had been so consistent over the past couple of days, reared up and he cried out in pain, his uninjured hand grabbing his forehead. Then cool fingers were against his temple and fear overwhelmed everything else.

He fought, he tried to move but couldn't, his fear collided with the most unbearable sensation. It was inside him, in his blood, coursing through his body without mercy. Not even Sivath had done this to him. He wasn't on fire, he was in it. Consumed with fire, with hatred, with savage agony. Then he felt it, Tevik, in his mind. Tevik was scared, alone, guilt-ridden, he didn't want to do this. Tevik's thoughts were all on Sam, Jim had experienced this before, getting into Vulcan's minds, it was automatic from melds. He remembered Sivath taking Lexorin every time the sessions ended. But this meld was something deeper, this was something different. He saw Tevik's memories, it burned through him and he screamed.

Flashes entered his mind, how Tevik had grown up, memories of his family, his aunts and uncles and the peacefulness of home. He felt the Vulcan sun and saw the mountains, the desert sand blowing. He had hated Earth's climate and most of his lessons, Sam had been his only relief. Sam. Sam. Sam, they were all on Sam. How entering Sam's mind had been wonderful, how Tevik had slowly fallen in love with him, then not been able to express it. He saw all those times were they had been alone, how Tevik had held Jim's hand and wanted it to be Sam's. And he had, in Tarsus, Tevik had reached out to Sam. The night Jim had kissed him, Tevik had gone to Sam afterwards. They had kissed, really kissed, Tevik had told him that he loved him. They had planned on leaving, they were going to be bonded. Tevik had even contacted his family with the news, though it disappointed them, they agreed, already expecting it. Tevik had planned his whole future with Sam, there wasn't even a spare thought about him. Sam hadn't even thought of him.

Jim screamed not wanting to know this, not wanting to feel it. Everything was wrong, Tevik needed to stop, he needed to stop! Jim felt his heart shredding, tearing apart. Tevik and Sam hadn't thought of him at all, he hadn't fit in anywhere. Tevik had even planned on taking Sam to Vulcan before what happened back in Riverside. He was going to use it as an educational experience as Riverside had been for himself. Jim would have been left alone with Frank. Then with Jim's mind encased by fire, encased by pure agony, everything came back for him. He was back on the slab, only now it was worse.

Tevik's lips crashed on to neck, biting, they were on the ground, Jim felt panic as Tevik ripped apart his torn, too-big, and ragged clothes. "No!" Jim screamed or perhaps it was in his mind, nevertheless, it was worthless. Tevik had a grip on him that would not be broken, Tevik bit him hard and at the same time entered him. Jim arched in terrible pain, his whole body burning under the assault. He remembered this, but this was even more brutal. Tevik wasn't there, this wasn't him, he wasn't kind or patient, he didn't even prepare Jim. Even Frank had waited, he had laughed. Jim shuddered as Tevik growled, sounding barbaric and Jim caught on to his thoughts. This was Pon Farr and Tevik's last coherent thought was to apologize, the only thing Jim felt was shame, disgust and regret, before they were all consumed.

Jim was awake throughout the next three days, he tried screaming for help, but his throat just barely healing, gave out again. He body was used without mercy, without ceasing. Tevik didn't slow down, or stop, his actions wild and fast and brutal. He found himself lucky he had been flipped over, his face pressed into the dry ground, scraping harshly. His mind flashed him to the previous occasion now and then, but it only made Tevik snarl and turn more brutal. Jim felt it, the need to possess him, to claim him, for Jim not to think about anyone else. Fighting back only made it worse, screaming only made it worse. Jim ended up crying, sobbing, praying to die because surely he would die now. Finally.

He fell asleep a few times only to be woken up painfully, Tevik, having taken offence to such actions. The fire burned him, edged in raw pain. Searing his skin black, after awhile, he became numb to everything else, agony was once more his friend. Jim, once again, lost track of his thoughts, of his body. He became Nothing, just a vessel scrapping the ground, with a cool body pressed into him. Finally, when Tevik started actually slowing down, Jim, his body broken, his vision blurred and everything dizzy, Jim thought of nothing else but death and the peace it would bring.

He felt nothing but disgust from Tevik as he became more coherent; disgust and all-consuming shame. He shivered and struggled to breathe under the weight of Tevik's body, half on his, half not. From a distance, as if underwater, he heard something but couldn't make it out. He lifted his face, mud stuck to his cheek, apparently, it had rained sometime, Jim hadn't been aware of that.

"Jesus Christ, they're alive."

Jim's head fell back down not able to withstand the difficult motion.

"It's...k, son. My...me's...ter...Pike. Her...help."

Jim's eyes were unfocused, he only knew a man was before him and heard Tevik snarl distantly as his eyes drifted shut, praying for oblivion.


	9. The Temple

Each time Jim woke up it was to pass out once more. His skull must have split at some point from the pain. He was dizzy, nauseous and confused. Sometimes, he knew who he was, other times, he was just engulfed in agony. He thought a few times that he had been captured once again and fought to move, but the light always stung his eyes and he knew he was free. He dreamed he was free.

One day, he opened his eyes, confused, waiting for the pain, he felt only a dull pound of an ache in his head. Suspicious, he tried glancing around, his heart sped up waiting for Sivath, waiting for the screams to start. Jim was in a bio bed, in a room made from tanned rock and high narrow windows. He took deep breaths and tried to calm his heart. He froze as he saw something shift, to his right was a woman. Jim didn't know if it was real or not, he had forgotten details of her. The way her blonde hair was darker than his, her skin tanned. He forgot her hazel eyes and how they deepened to brown when she was worried. Beside him was his mother.

Winona looked tired, her hair was down and frizzy, unchecked, her eyes and nose were red. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. "Jim. Oh my god, Jimmy." She came forward and Jim tried jumping away, only be held down. He looked down and saw his arms and legs were restrained, eyes wide, he screamed. This was an illusion, he was back on the slab. God, he couldn't move. He couldn't move.

Doors slid open and two Vulcans rushed in, making Jim fight harder. "No! No! Get away from me!" His voice cracked and he fought, he wouldn't give up. "Jim! Jim please! They're doctors, they're here to help you sweetheart!" One of the Vulcan's reached for him, Jim tried to bite his hand as it neared his face, screaming, "I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!" The Vulcan hypoed him and within a second he passed out again.

When Jim woke for the fourth time after that incident, his headache had increased, but he managed to stay awake for more than five minutes. He winced, his eyes blinking rapidly against the light, when he opened them fully, he saw a Vulcan in front of him. His heart-rate leapt up and the woman spoke, "My name is T'Rin and I am not here to hurt you. I am a healer here on Vulcan. You have been placed here since some of your aliments are from Vulcan mind melds, as well as an unplanned bond between yourself and one T'Zch Tevik." Jim clenched his jaw and hands, keeping this T'Rin in his view. She sat in the same chair as his mother had been. They stared at each other for a few minutes before T'Rin spoke again, "I have been made aware of what happened to you by your bondmate. Tevik has informed only myself and T'Pau who is Vulcan's high priestess and therefore one of the few capable of breaking your bond as well as helping your healing process."

Jim yanked on his tethers and T'Rin glanced at his balled hands. "You have been restrained for your own protection. For many days you were moving too much, the motions further aggravated your injuries." They were silent once more and T'Rin looked like she wanted to sigh. Her stony expression almost put Jim to ease, she didn't look close to breaking down in front of him. But he had trusted a Vulcan, he winced as pain laced through his mind at the thought of Tevik. He had trusted too much.

T'Rin noticed the action and said, "Your bond was not made properly. Tevik, while trained in mind melds is not yet knowledgeable on the advanced teachings one needs to learn in order to create such passageways to link two minds together. He reacted on instinct, as you were the only one close with a Kesu bond." She paused and looked as if she were concentrating, "One would call it a bond between acquaintances. Your mind did not have to time to process the link, nor did it understand what was happening. Those combined with your traumatic experience made your mind was reject his." Jim blinked and spoke, his first words in a long time. He was surprised to hear his voice was even, if deeper than before. "We're not bonded?"

T'Rin blinked and replied, "No, you two are bonded. You are human and therefore did not have the mental capacity to fully reject a Vulcan from your mind." Jim shuddered, horror filling him but T'Rin continued. "Your bond, however, is not as one should be, it was made in haste and is not healthy. Your mind believes it is doing you harm, combined with the inexperience of Tevik, the bond is not placed properly and therefore it is painful. I calculate with time, healing treatments and your mate's help, you will one day have a healthy bond." Another pause before she continued more quieter than before, "You need to understand James, this matter is one that Vulcans do not speak of. It is a time in a Vulcan's life that he cannot control, the instinctual need to mate overrides everything else. It should not have happened to ones as young as the both of you. Tevik experienced an early Pon Farr, much earlier than most, it was induced by his own experiences, he could not control his bodily chemicals."

Jim was shaking, his mind going over Sivath, Lyras, Tavin, then to Tevik. He hated Vulcans, he had trusted Tevik, had tried to get him to talk, to move, he had wanted to save him. Jim had loved him, it hadn't been a child's love, not to him, though, he was only thirteen. But it was more, more than just his feelings. He had trusted Tevik, trusted him with his life, with his mind, trusted he'd never leave. He had seen it all, and he had been nothing.

He had been _nothing_.

He didn't realize he was crying until T'Rin got up, shocking him and making him flinch. "I shall go get your mother now."

"No!"

T'Rin halted, her eyebrows going up. "I don't. I don't want to see anyone." T'Rin stayed still for a moment before she nodded. "Very well. I shall have T'Pau check on you in one hour. She will discuss in detail what treatments you should receive."

The hour passed quickly. Jim slept for most of it, his nightmare waking him up. He was just starring at the ceiling, tiredly counting to the pounding in his head, when the doors opened. He tried to sit up but couldn't, he was still restrained and he had no energy to fight. T'Pau was a lady, an actual Lady, Jim thought as he saw her. She was also remarkable young looking. Her hair was up in an ornate and elegant hair-do with gold hair pieces glinting in it. Her dress was deep purple, stiff and as elegant as everything else. Her eyes, Jim shivered, her black eyes were blank, like glass, he couldn't see what she thought and it frightened him. What if she was hiding like Sivath had done?

"James Tiberius Kirk. I am T'Pau, the high priestess of Vulcan and am here to determine the extent of your bond and if it can be broken safely. Will you give your consent for me to enter your mind?" Jim's jaw was clenched tightly and his heart pounded, he could feel the sweat trickling off him. She wanted to enter his mind? This woman who was stone, no, hell no. He was shaking his head before he could think about it. T'Pau arched an eyebrow and said, "If you do not consent now, I warn you, this bond will become permanent. Having a bond with a Vulcan can be a difficult choice. Your mind is adjusting to another, your thoughts, your emotions, everyday you two will be linked. Tevik is taking his renewed training seriously, he is building up barriers between your minds, but because of the nature of this bond, I do not foresee him being able to completely block you, nor you from him in extreme situations." Jim swallowed. He blinked, trying not to cry again, he couldn't show them weakness, he was not weak.

Tevik, Tevik, who had forced this, who was so filled with guilt and shame, Jim could taste it. He had noticed, only hours ago, that some of his emotions were not his, not completely. It was jarring and had made him pass out yet again.

"The Fever will come back, it has a cycle of seven years. When you two mate again, the bond will become stronger, it may help or it may worsen, there is no sufficient way to tell, this is different for each Vulcan pair. As you are human, you provide even more uncertainty." Jim narrowed his eyes and then squeezed them shut. He didn't respond, T'Pau stayed for several more minutes before she said, "I shall tell the T'Zch clan of your choice. I will return in three days to go over with you and your bondmate what options are available to you." Silently, she left.

Jim was allowed to be unrestrained for only periods at a time. His mom was back in his room and she helped him walk, which he tried with difficulty. He ignored her for most of it and almost laughed humorlessly, when he realized it was him now that wasn't able to look at her.

Jim's muscles, even with modern medicine, had diminished more than he had thought, his adrenaline having masked his real trauma. Jim caught a look at himself in a mirror in his private bathroom two weeks after he woke up, it stunned him. His bones jutted out sickly, that was the first thing he noticed. The second, was that he was so...clean. It was odd, after months of being so dirty, he had gotten used to it. His head was shaved, the knots must have been horrible. The third thing he noticed was the scars. T'Rin explained to him that some Vulcan's, like Reklan's (and Jim knew, some Klingons) were practitioners of Kov'Jithin. The honour of scars. The healer's would not remove them even though his mother had asked. Jim had not given his consent; he liked them, they were real. They grounded him, when he caressed them he knew everything had happened, he was free.

He was terribly pale, whiter than he had ever been, he had dark bags under his eyes, blotches of pink marred his skin everywhere. But the scars stood out, magnified on his unfamiliar and disfigured body. His shoulder was red and ragged, the phaser shot he had taken hadn't healed well at all. Looking down he tried to press his ring finger with his thumb, he could almost do it. He sighed in relief, his nerve endings were slowly healing. His back still held his belt marks, more stark than before, he knew by now that they would never fade. His crescent scars, he already knew, were large and raised against his fingers that routinely caressed them. It was his wrist, ankle and knee that looked the worse. The ankle and wrist were thick, red against his pale skin. They were deep, having cut into his flesh. Some parts were smooth, though, raised as well. Other parts, those pieces that had torn and ripped, looked more like burn marks. The knee; he didn't even remember injuring, only now it looked like a deep cut across it. He must of cut it in the rescue attempt.

Jim almost threw up his doctor approved nutritious breakfast.

* * *

><p>Another month passed with Jim being aware of the time, his cramps were lessening and he was slowly stretching his stomach out. His diarrhea had finally gone away. Slowly, very slowly he gained a little weight, enough that he didn't feel tired so much. Soon it was the holidays, he only knew because his mother got a comm call, a coworker wishing her happy holiday's and asking about him. He asked T'Rin about Micheal then, Jenna, the others. He had tried not to, had shoved it aside. He hadn't heard word from anyone about them. They had been taken to Earth to recuperate. Micheal had been taken to the Vulcan embassy to get healing from Vulcans close to his home.<p>

Jim's eyes widened. "Is he alone?" T'Rin shot up an eyebrow, he knew by now, it meant she was surprised at his tone. "He can't be alone. He can't go near Vulcans alone. If I'm not there-" "Jim. Honey, it's okay. Your friends are going to get the best treatment-" "He can't be alone! You don't understand! You weren't there, what they did, how they-" Jim stopped, he was panting, his heart pounding, he needed to get out, get away. He jumped up and swiftly backed away from everyone. T'Rin made no move but her eyes were intensely trained on him. His mom tried to calm him down but he just shook his head.

T'Pau's voice echoed through his head. He'd be seeing Tevik soon, he knew from T'Pau's visits that his family wanted their bond cut. Jim wanted that too, now that he could feel it all, could separate it. He didn't want to be bound to someone who hated him so much, who hated himself. He didn't want to watch Sam's throat get sliced every second of every day. He hated himself enough as it was.

He blinked, trying to get the image out of his head. The window he was standing next to, showed the city before him. Shi'Kahr, full of alien buildings, they towered with pointed and angled tops, almost gothic in form. He could see the heat waves, luckily his small room had environmental controls, he felt comfortable, cool almost. His breathing slowed down and tried not to imagine how many little dots were Vulcans below him walking down a main street. They were capable of doing it, all of them privately losing their controls every seven years. How many men down there were in that process, right then? Jim closed his eyes trying not to scream. His rage came back, doubled with the echoes of Tevik's. It wasn't fair that it happened to him, it wasn't fair for Sam to have dragged him to Arcadia. He had never wanted to go. It wasn't fair that Tevik was so cowardly he couldn't have just told Jim to piss of. It wasn't fair he was the one alive and so many good people died.

"Jim!" Jim, realizing his breathing was pitched again, his hand was bloody. Looking down, he realized that he had furiously hit the wall in front of him. Shaking, he glared at his mother as she tried to move towards him. She froze, her eyes widening, "Jim."

* * *

><p>Weeks passed and Jim lost count of the time again. He didn't know if that was the affects of his mind or if it were just him and his need to block everything out. He was walking almost perfectly, his scars were less tight and his breathing was slightly better, his birthday passed with him sleeping through it and not noticing. He still had panic attacks and horrible nightmares that made him question whether he was free or not. But he could now completely separate the bond in his head. He could think about the classes Arcadia had taught him without being confused. The bond he realized one day was in the back of his head, Tevik had withdrawn as much as he could. Jim still felt him, but he only felt glimmers of emotion and stray thoughts every other day. He tried not to flinch at them, unsuccessfully.<p>

Jim was sitting on a chair in his room, going over his PADD, his mother having had gone to get something to eat, when T'Pau came in with T'Rin. Together they led him outside for the first time. Both watched him carefully, he tried not to tense too much, his fear coursing through him. His mother had been informed, he was told, as T'Rin gave him a robe. "This will protect you from the Vulcan sun," she said. Jim took deep breaths. He had only just relaxed in the indoor courtyard and now they wanted him to wear something Vulcan, to go outside into the city. Vulcans were all around, some aliens too, he wondered what was plaguing them. More damaged bonds, perhaps?

Jim was led into a hover car, the heat beating down on him, he automatically felt hungry in it. T'Rin passed him a common energy bar and Jim stared at her for a moment, he hadn't been this close to a Vulcan in a long time. He took a deep breath and leaning away from her, snatched it swiftly. Swallowing, his eyes flickered between the two women and tried his best to look relaxed as he slowly opened the bar and took a bite. He ate slowly, as he was used to, savouring it.

His mind kept on echoing to him. What if he wasn't free? What if they were leading him off to the desert? What if they really were acting, gaining his trust? What if they had a place to torture him? He wished he had some kind of weapon. He'd feel better with a knife or a phaser. His hands balled again as they neared a tall, ornate building outside the city, it was built into a sharp-peaked, towering mountain.

"Jim?" Jim snapped his attention to T'Pau as they slowed down. "Tevik is here, as is his family. We will now see how deeply your bond is. You must understand this is something that needs to be done for your optimum health. I can lessen your symptoms, your pain." Jim clenched his jaw before he said, "I thought without my permission you wouldn't do anything? You're a liar."

"I will not do anything as you say, not to you. I will be entering Tevik's mind. Your presence is required because Tevik requested it and it is logical that you be here, fully forewarned, in order not to react too dangerously. Reaching into his mind, you will feel the affects, if I am able to break it, you will also feel that, it may very well be painful. I am requesting, again, that you allow me access to your mind, it would be easier. I can, as I previously stated, help you. T'Rin will help you, if you chose not to undergo my treatment, should you request it."

"I won't."

All Jim could think about was that Tevik had wanted to see him. Maybe with the bond broken, he could try to figure out how he felt. Tevik had betrayed him, worse than anyone else had hurt him. But just months ago, Jim had held on to his image, held on to it when he thought he was going to die. How had they gone from one extreme to the other? They entered the building, then slowly made their way through great, open rooms. Jim was astonished at the beautiful surroundings, carvings etched into walls looked hundreds of years old. Somehow, he hadn't thought Vulcan would be atheistically pleasing. He never would have known they liked art. He shivered at the thought of Vulcan emotion. Before he knew it, he was in a white room with large mats on the floor with pillows. Tevik was kneeling, his back to them, facing a huge open archway that led out to a balcony not seen from the outside.

Jim, heart racing, tried to push his swirling emotions down. He stared, straight at that back, so familiar to him. Startled, he turned as he saw movement from the corner of his eyes. He clenched his hands together behind his back as he saw Balev and T'Vala. T'Pau and T'Rin greeted them, not for the first time, Jim noted. They were familiar with each other. Balev came forward and Jim didn't move, his eyes trained on the tall man. "James, you are looking well."

Jim nodded, trying to pretend he was relaxed, saying, "Thanks. The hair is finally growing back." Jim raised his hand and swiped it over his short locks. He had hated his shaved head. He only noticed, too late, Balev's gaze went to his hand. His wrist. Quickly, mentally shaking himself, he lowered his scarred hand, the robes sliding back to cover it. Balev for the first time since Jim had met him, showed emotion. He frowned and slowly asked, "Jim, do you wish to be bonded to my son?"

Jim bit back a sob that had come up from that simple question. He blinked trying to hold back his tears. Looking around the room, he saw T'Vala was listening intently. Tevik was still mediating. He took in the heat from those open archways and it shot him right back to Tarsus, to the stench of death. He closed his eyes and saw Kevin, Sam, Mrs. Riley, bodies upon bodies and those soulless eyes of the living. He tried then to concentrate on Tevik. Tevik, who he had always thought would be in his life. But not like this, never like this. He felt once more a powerful wave of shame and guilt. Tevik hated this, was repulsed by it. Jim felt his whole body slump under the weight of simple and powerful disgust. Tevik was disgusted with himself and since he couldn't hide it, not anymore, Jim knew. Tevik was disgusted that he was mated to him. It ruined him, that emotion, it took everything out and left him with only bitterness, fury and an aching hollowness he didn't think would ever heal.

He shook his head angry. "I hate this." T'Pau stared at him then and he continued, "I don't want anyone, ever again, to get into my head. It's not going to happen. I'd rather die." Balev slowly nodded and asked, "Would you fight the p'pil'lay, if that is, we can accomplish it from Tevik's mind?" Jim narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. He knew that ritual, the breaking of bonds, Tevik could be gone. Jim really stopped to think about it, the pain would be gone, but in a way, the way that Jim had been holding on, so would Sam. But keeping them like this, it was horrible and Jim didn't want to spend the next six years in a panic attack. He never wanted to feel that fire, to be at a Vulcan's mercy.

The ceremony wasn't much. Jim sat away from the group, his back against a warm wall. Sweat trickled down his back, his forehead, but it wasn't as hot as it was outside. He tried not to feel hungry, knowing it was in his head, instead, he concentrated on T'pau. She reached forward to Tevik, Jim tensed for him but Tevik didn't scream, he didn't sob, he just sat straighter.

Jim felt it. He hissed, drawing the attention of T'Rin and Balev. He could feel another presence, something soft and distant. He didn't know if it was because she wasn't in his mind, or if she was intending to go easy on him. Either way, Jim didn't like it. His whole body was pulled tight, suddenly he was more connected to Tevik than he had been in weeks. Tevik's emotions overtook him and Jim was surrounded in unending sorrow, Tevik remembered the bodies, the heat, the hunger, the killings. So Tevik was as good as Sam had been. No wonder they were suited for each other. Jim had felt nothing by the end, he hadn't saved anyone, hadn't been the hero. He'd been hollow and they had felt too much.

Jim felt something tugging, his mind flared up. Sivath was in his head again. The sharp piercing echoed throughout his head, it magnified and Jim clenched his jaw painfully. He wouldn't show weakness, not this time. Pain and him were one. He wouldn't fight it, he would never give in again. He felt emotions then, not his own, surprise, shame, pity. He wanted to yell, to scream. He hated Tevik then, he wanted this over with. He hated that he still cared about him, still wanted Tevik to reconsider. It was only then that he felt it, that stupid childish need for Tevik. For his and Sam's Vulcan, only Tevik had never been his.

It only took a moment but then T'Pau backed away from Tevik, her hand dropping. Jim was sweating awfully, he was panting and tired, his vision blurred. Tevik was wide-eyed. "So it's done?" Jim asked quietly. T'Pau turned to him, rising to her feet. The action made Jim feel small and with all their eyes widening, Jim quickly launched to his feet, steadily. T'Pau tilted her head thoughtfully. "I have not studied humans intimately in my lifetime, but I do believe, your pain tolerance is not average." Jim grinned, his eyes hollow, "What can I say?" He said trying desperately not to convey his pain and fear, "I'm that awesome." Stepping to the side, towards the door, casually he asked, "Do I leave Vulcan now?"

Jim felt nothing but a deep ache in his head. T'Pau spoke then, "Mr. Kirk, I was not able to fully break your bond with Tevik. The fact that you are now standing is astonishing. Had I delved any deeper it would have caused you to become catatonic and most likely you would not have survived the process. If you consider multiple treatments, we might be able to break a weaker bond without dire consequences."

Jim's mind was flashing to the exits, his paranoia went through the roof. He backed away as far as he could and prayed that they didn't reach out. He needed a weapon. Jim, breathing heavily, said, "We're stuck together?" T'Pau nodded, stepping back as T'Vala tried to comfort Tevik. It was the most emotion he had seen from Vulcan and it spiked his fear.

Tevik finally spoke, his voice quiet, tired and slightly shaky. He stood on unsteady legs, "James. They won't hurt you." Facing each other, Jim didn't know how to feel. Tevik was the person who had once given him so much hope, who had been what felt like his first true friend. Johnny and Max had stopped talking to him the moment he got into serious trouble, but Tevik, a Vulcan, hadn't. He had thought he could depend on him. Jim had relied on Tevik during the drought, then the blight. Jim had thought of Tevik in those months of being tortured. And then Tevik had tortured him, and it was even more permanent than anything the others had done.

Tevik flinched at his thoughts and his eyes lowered to the ground. Slowly, Jim could feel his thoughts turn, Jim wanted to throw up as Tevik asked. "T'Pau, would I be able to be a practitioner of Kolinar, or would my bonding automatically tarnish the pursuit?" Balev arched a brow and all turned their attention to the stone faced high priestess. "I have seen few bonded reach their goal, but I must make it clear, it is much more difficult and few Vulcan's ever reach the true purging. Your bond would have to break completely for this to happen." Tevik nodded and Jim tried not to think too much on his mate's thoughts. Tevik might be able to mediate next time. Jim tried really hard not to throw up.

Tevik and him faced each other on the steps outside. Feet away from each other, awkward, worlds apart. He knew this was final. He knew just as Tevik knew, they were lost. Jim had lost Tevik, his childish feelings were nothing, it was the friend that Jim now hated, had mourned. The friend that Jim had foolishly trusted, which meant more than either one would have speak aloud. Jim said the only thing he could.

"You're a coward."

Tevik blinked, his eyes lowering, saying nothing back to him, only making Jim feel more angry. Jim didn't understand then, how he could have been so very entranced by Tevik. He walked away, his back straight, half his mind concentrating on whether or not he would be attacked from behind, the other half, proud that he was brave enough to show his back. He was strong enough to face his fears.

His mother tried talking to him. It was three days later. Jim would be leaving soon, his mother kept talking about going back to Earth. They should be together. Jim should see someone, talk about it. He was sitting down, tired and his head ached painfully again. Tevik, was indeed, still there.

"Honey," his mom spoke quietly, "Jim. Do you know where Sam is? Do you remember where Sam..." Jim looked at his mom, her eyes were full of tears, red. She looked years older. It wasn't the first time she asked. Him and two others knew where Sam was. He wanted to snarl at her, 'Where, what, where he died? Where we buried him? Where he would stay for all of time, in the body of a sixteen year old?' His eyes must have showed his anger because she reached out to him. "Sweetie, he deserves to be buried with aunt Kara and dad, and the other Kirk's."

He took a deep breath and couldn't help what came next. "Winona, dad's nothing but dust somewhere in space. Sam's nothing but bones by now, the heat alone would have rotted him within a week. Sam's dead, and I'm never going back there to show you. There's no comfort for the dead, they don't care, so why bother." His mom's eyes were wide and she said, "Jim, honey, you need to remember the good. It matters because we're family. He's your bother, not some unknown...body." His mom was going to break down again. Jim, having spent years looking at that face finally said. "Family? Family?" He couldn't help but laugh. It came out cold and harsh.

"When the hell have we been a family? You spent my childhood not looking at me, and Sam was going to run off months ago and never look back. Kara would have kept me, she would have loved me, but she died! There's been one person in my life that I could count on! One! Myself! That's all I have, all I've ever had. These past months have been you trying to redeem yourself. You do, I know, I know you love me, I know that, in your own way. But don't try to pretend that you didn't love Sam more. Sam who looked like you, who took after you, who didn't remind you of dad. I knew it, he knew it and it was unspoken until now. I'm sorry I lived! I'm sorry I'm not the one a crazy, fucked up, Vulcan murdered. After all, I was his favourite!"

Jim stopped, his mom's horrified face looking back at him, T'Rin was frozen just inside the doorway, having come in, in the middle of his rant. "Get out." His mom flinched. He tried to hide his pain, his own grief, he just wanted to be stone, rock, kolinar. So his face was blank and his eyes were empty as he said calmly and harshly, "Winona, please leave."

She left, quietly, her back straight. Maybe they were more alike then Jim thought.

That night he slept fitfully and was up before the sun. At night Vulcan was still warm, but it was pleasant for him, which meant Vulcan's were usually cold. Glancing out his window, he saw lights scattered throughout the city. Vulcan's traditionally lighted fires at nighttime, the buildings so open and lovely, he was able to see some of them. It was dark though, Vulcan's could see perfectly in it, their eyes attuned to the dark better than humans. Only the human embassy was light up with E. Lighting. It glowed shockingly bright in the dark, as well as street lamps leading up to the building. Even with solar power and more natural energy, the lights still maintained an artificial air about them. Jim looked around his dark room, took in Shi'Kahr below him and realized, he truly did not want to go back to Earth. There was nothing there for him. His mom would probably bring him back to Riverside. He shuddered, Frank was probably in town. No, he wasn't going back, not for a very long time. Not ever.

When his mother came to get him the next morning, the room was tidy, his bed made, his clothes having been bought recently, were gone, the only thing Winona found, was a spare PADD with a note saying;

_I'm not sorry. I can't pretend anymore, I can't go back. I hope you finally find the happiness you've always been looking for, go back to Star Fleet, go home, mom. Goodbye, Jim. _

T'Rin's brows lowered as she watched Winona break down and sob, a PADD in her arms. She patted the woman on the shoulder and said, "I grieve with thee. His wounds are much deeper than expected. We can only hope he will heal himself now." Winona leaned into T'Rin sobbing, and they stayed like that for the better part of the morning.


End file.
